In this photo, despite trying to hide my bump in order to have long-term usable press pics, I am 34 weeks pregnant. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was standing over the edge of a cliff. My fertility journey has been one marked by grief, despair and hope. I was preparing for the unknown experience of childbirth, the transformative path to motherhood, making the final preparations and details for Esra’s arrival into our home; but unbeknownst to me at the time, Esra would never make it home. I fell off that cliff when doctors informed us that Esra was not going to make it past her seven short days of life in the NICU. This impossible news, having to say goodbye to my perfect daughter, destroyed me, my family and friends. My fertility path continued through waves of despair, hope and grief, as I went on to birth and lose a second baby the following year, Joaquim, at 14 weeks pregnancy. Through grief, anxiety and hope, Esra and Joaquim’s little sister Elvira came into our lives six months ago, bringing us so much light, joy and hope, and new layers of grief for her siblings who are no longer here. I have two daughters, but they will never meet. I feel Esra’s absence every minute of every day. In the little things, in the big things. A joyful moment, sometimes unexpected, no longer exists without the pain of her absence. A pain that grows, renews itself, takes on new dimensions, and that is commensurate to the love I have for her.
I wish to thank
@marinkagrondel for inviting me to participate in her astonishing, deep, and vulnerable exhibit, today at 4pm, also because it allowed us to exchange on the less visible and taboo sides of fertility and parenthood, such as infertility and loss, which are all too common but little spoken about. Because 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. The timing of Marinka’s exhibit and performance coincides with baby loss awareness and remembrance week, where families worldwide lit a candle on October 15th for those babies who are no longer here and are missed profoundly. They are forever loved. Forever part of our families.
Sending love to all who are struggling with (in)fertility and baby loss. I see your parenthood ❤️