Earlier this month I was the victim of a very sudden and tragic housefire. Everything they say about fire is true: it spreads so, so quickly and the smoke even moreso. How am I? I'm taking things slowly. Listening to a lot of late Leonard Cohen and Bowie (think Darkstar + If You Want it Darker). I treasure the few things I have left (my room was obliterated) but I can't count on them being here tomorrow. My relationship to material possessions is singed. B''H everyone in the building got out unharmed, and no carbon monoxide poisoning. And yet, watching the fire while out in the cold (in only a bra and yoga pants) a little bit of me died.
I can't tell you what started it. All I can tell you is the devastation left over. Most of my possessions were charred in the blaze. Every single item of clothing I had acquired since transitioning is gone forever. My first dress. My first tzitzit, several battle vests. My first earrings, my first carabiner, all gone. The plunger from my first self-administered hormone injection: gone. An external hardrive with every photo of my first trans love: gone.
Ritual helped ground me in this time. Though I missed the first night, a comrade lent me a hannukiah and some candles so I could try and feel some ancestral connection. Strangely, lighting candles helped me a great deal in the wake of the house fire. It was nice to watch the fire dwindle, welcoming in the Dark.
Hanukkah comes from the word for rededication. The temple in the old story is long gone (and, heaven forbid, shouldn't come back). What can we rededicate ourselves to in these bleak, awful times? As my comrade Tzvi
@beislakish lakish (and others) asked this season: What needs to be built, and what needs to be destroyed?
Civility is not real. Platitudes of normalcy, the mythscape of the American nightmare and its Idols (Capitalism, The State, etc) are not real.
Fire is real. And so, too, is love: emanated most brilliantly in mutual-aid and solidarity. I pray for renewal, for safety and the capacity to one day bring Olam haBa to life (for even the briefest of moments) for the next neighbor in crisis. Chag sameach, freylikhen Nittlenacht, and solidarity forever. xoxo