Slutty Cheff

While I am very grateful for all the writing opportunities over the last year, I am utterly fatigued by magazines and meta removing the word bumfuck from my writing So I am starting my own publication: HOT FAT HOT FAT will be about sex, food, restaurants and all the other stuff that makes my heart sizzles and my loins spit. It will be honest, earthy and it will *not* be censored. We're getting back to basics mate First article going live #TOMOZ Click link in bio to get access to my very first article in HOT FAT

When I knew my book was getting released into the big bad world I firmly decided not to read a damn thing about myself or my writing, whether it be positive or negative I have read no reviews, no interviews, no trolling blogs, no bullies talking bollocks, nothing I am sensitive and emotional so I decided it would be best just to detach from it all; I didn’t want to get upset by people or places I admire talking shit about me, I also didn’t want anyone’s thoughts, good or bad, squandering my enthusiastic and regular use words like arse So for the last few months I switched off my heart My woop-woop friends and family have been disturbed by my numbness towards all things great and glamorous, they have clasped at my stiff shoulders ! They have pled with me ! And encouraged me to “feel proud”, to “celebrate” the “achievement”, “to appreciate” the “moment” because it’s a “big deal” to write a “book” Blardy bla. I got the sentimental bastards off my back by telling them this: okay fine, I will allow myself to feel something if the New York Times reviews my book, until then, piss off I said this assuming it would never happen because - it’s the New York Times - ❓ Well you win - today I feel something Today I read a spectacular review of my slutty mess of a book in the New York Times and I feel really happy, almost like there are bubbles in my heart I am so bubbly I am going to run myself a bubble bath of my own homemade bubbles - not the James Joyce kind - pls get your mind out the gutter *and* the arse I’m going to bathe in these @nytimes bubbles all evening - I might go for a solo cocktail actually - a fizzy bubbly one I also feel a bit of relief, as I’m actually on a flight to New York right now and what a crying shame it would be if @nytimes had slagged me off - I’d have to tell the pilot to turn this sturdy mistress around and take me back to Blighty Alas See you soon America Thank you for the review @nytimes and @kate.christensen100

My book ! Ah, yes, right, so: It’s about kitchens, food and sex. It is a homage to all chefs, gourmands, gluttons and lovers - I only ever wanna hang out with you <3 In September last year I wrote the proposal on the bus home from work In October I went to publisher meetings with fish scales on my forearms  In November I signed the deal and had a panic attack in the walk-in fridge  In December I kissed all the boys, ate all the food and wrote it all down In the midst of it all I was met by warmth, guidance and female power by none other than @lenadunham and @dollyalderton to whom I am forever grateful and in awe of. Now I will proceed with selling you this damn book. Ah yes - the title! Must mention the title.  The title is Tart. The yellow one is being published in UK by @bloomsburypublishing (who published Anthony Bourdain’s books, thus - I am crying) The pink one is being published in US by @marysueruccibooks at @simonandschuster   Tart is also being translated into Italian but you’ll have to ask Donatella Versace for the details If you want to buy Tart, the presale link is in the bio now. After 24 hours, I’ll pick 5 people at random who have ordered Tart, and I will write a personalised love letter for you, a lover or a friend. The business people say I’m not allowed to access your home address (smh) so we will have to agree upon a secret location and I will have a man in a suit deliver it to you. To be in the running for a love letter: upload a story with a screenshot of your order and #tag me —  Tart is out in hardback and ebook on 17 July 2025 in the UK (@BloomsburyPublishing ) and Summer 2025 in the US (@marysueruccibooks ). Pre-order here: linktr.ee/sluttycheff

To eat in London is to do a warm piss in a cold sea To eat in London is to break up then make up To eat in London is to get a yellow sticker sandwich To eat in London is to prove a smug bastard wrong To eat in London is to add hot water to the bath To eat in London is to smoke indoors with someone middle aged To eat in London is to leave school early for the dentist To eat in London is to use your bodies to warm up To eat in London is to snog in a street among strangers To eat in London is to get an extra long head massage at the hairdresser To eat in London is to find a good new tv show To eat in London is to mend a broken heart To eat in London is to pull a long hair out ur bum To eat in London is to swim naked To eat in London is to get a good seat To eat in London is to get a good haircut To eat in London is to take off your bra at 8pm To eat in London is to forget about your phone To eat in London is to sniff a line in the loo To eat in London is to smell warm pavement To eat in London is to take a surprisingly good nude To eat in London is to hug someone with big tits To eat in London is to smell grilled meat To eat in London is to get a good crunchy apple To eat in London is to feel joy

I’ll take it to go cheers

@dreambabypress is excited to announce our first London reading A Night of Pleasure inside a boxing gym. Get your tickets ASAP. Limited capacity. Link in bio. This will be hosted at All Star Boxing Gym where each reader will read in the middle of the ring. Featuring readings by @sluttycheff , @katenash , @camillecharriere , @tishweinstock , @mnadown , @bertiebrandes , @lea.ogunlami , @addiepray and @amyfrancombe_ ❤️ Hosted by @mattstarrmattstarr Poster by the one and only @juliakmuell

Day in the life of a best selling writer: 7am - Pretend to get up at same time as lover. Get back in bed as soon as he leaves for work. 9am - Drink 3 coffees. Have a panic attack. Cancel all meetings. 11am - Respond to fans 1pm - Have lunch with book agent and lie about how much work i’ve done 2pm - Go and stare at my book through book shop windows 3pm - Work for 22 minutes then give up 4pm - Second lunch 5pm - Doss about on bike 6pm - Watch Downton abbey for 3 hours 9pm - See if I can fit a giant pretzel in my mouth End

I have a man but I am better than him I earn more money than him I am more successful than him I am sexier than him I am funnier than him I have more friends than him I fuck better than him I have softer skin than him I am better at writing than him I think better than him I live better than him I tell the truth better than him I’m the curvaceous prawn on the left, he’s the shit one on the right There’s my contribution to the #manosphere conversation

My review of @tiella_trattoria is live Please note I am a filthy disgusting shameful ill-informed influencer, not an esteemed and qualified restaurant critic Link in bio

In English class in primary school we were given a copy of the kite runner. For the duration of the class we were supposed to just sit in silence and read it to ourselves. I couldn’t get beyond the first few pages. Nothing was going in. I was too impatient and my concentration was bad. I decided books were shit.  But then when I was about 18 I decided to force myself to read lots of books. This was because I was self conscious about being dumb and I thought that people who read books were better than me and were quite sexy and cool.  I absolutely boshed my way through book after book. I read all the authors that made me sound smart, like a real twat. I read Mary Shelley and Henry Miller and Martin Amis and Sylvia Plath and Philip Roth and Jane Austen and JD. Salinger etc. It is amazing the things you can get done when the sole motivator is to impress other people. Pathetic but v efficient.  I ended up falling in love with books. Not because they made me feel better about myself (I was 18 so naturally I hated myself) but because I found that once I endured the torturous itchy boredom of those first few chapters, I arrived in this entirely different world. To discover that I could escape my own reality was like this amazing hack to existing in life. All I needed to do was just open a book and wait.  And now that I think about it, all the best things in life come after a bit of a wait: dinner, orgasms, the other person saying I Love You first, the dealer arriving .  Last week my publisher told me 20,000 copies of my book have been sold so far. To think that that many people have opened my book and just sat there and waited to arrive in my world of make-believe is a great honour and something I find truly special.  If you prefer listening to books instead of reading them, Amazon is running a special deal on TART for the entirety of March where it is much cheaper than usual  /Tart-Misadventures-Chef-Slutty-Cheff/dp/1526682699

this week, @sluttycheff popped into Capsule to share what’s 🔥hot🔥 and what’s not 🙅‍♀️ … Slutty Cheff is an anonymous cook and writer, musing on all things food and sex. she started out writing via her Instagram page while working full time in London restaurants, but quickly gained popularity for her honesty and wit. since then, Slutty has written for @voguemagazine , the @thetimes , and @cosmopolitanuk , and landed both a @britishvogue column and a book deal. last summer she released her bestselling memoir: Tart: Misadventures of an Anonymous Chef, and is now working on the TV adaption of her book with @workingtitlefilms . face reveal at 1mil.

I never tire of talking about sex or love. I am a woman drawn to tragedy. A sucker for songs and good soup. A mug. Sometimes I wonder if I actually like sex or if I just like the fact it might lead to love. But then sometimes I want to fuck people who I would never love, like my seventy year old neighbour with gout and a tinned tuna addiction. The more I fall in and out of love, the more I want to talk about love. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been the other woman. Once I got caught having sex at work and got put on probation by HR. I am a 28 year old woman who has continuously zipped open my chest for love to savage my heart. But I don’t regret any of it. And neither will you after confiding in me babe. DEAR SLUTTY is my new agony aunt column From today, my DMs are open to you and your love and sex woes - I will be publishing the first issue next week. DEAR SLUTTY is place for you to write to me with any sex and love issue. Sad or happy. Funny or foul. Tragic or truly tedious. Me and you babe - we can be uncensored. You may feel spiteful, infatuated, vulnerable, heartbroken, lustful, embarrassed or deluded and that’s all good Simply DM me your issue, starting your message with “Dear Slutty…” and I will try to answer your question, which may be published - anonymously obviously. Together we can figure out if you boyfriend does indeed fancy your mum. Why write to me with your vulnerable tales? Many reasons. Because I have been writing about complex love issues since I was ten ( swipe for proof —>) so I am almost at professor level now Because sometimes you dont want to bore your friends with moaning about the same old cunt who continues to let you down Because sometimes you don’t want to talk to your therapist about anal And finally - because I understand the value of anonyminity more than most - your question might be published - but your identity will be entirely confidential. DEAR SLUTTY is open for business Love Slutty PS. Thank you for superbly slutty design @lostproperty.studio