Béton Brut I
This self portrait was taken August 2 2023, the day I learned of Jayme's passing. He was a true friend and inspiration to myself and many in our community. I created this image and two more for this series that August. They began a long process of introspection and grief.
~~~
This series is, by far, the most expressive and personal I’ve created. In an attempt to process after Jayme died, I reached for my camera and tripod. I have a deep desire to honour Jayme and share my experience with you.
Below you’ll find some journal entries and voice recordings I made in the weeks and months after his passing. Their time of writing is in brackets at the end of each section. Entries II and III in the series will follow the same format.
~~~
Truly the most inspired and motivated piece of the series. The day Bo called and told me of Jayme's death I was overcome with the desire to create a self portrait documenting the onset of my grieving process. That was all I was overcome with though. There was no emotional outpouring. No fetal position. My mind stared unblinkingly across an empty and unsaturated salt flat of sorrow (September 2023)
The Void. Blank. Numb. I argue that this emotional response (or lack of one) is rooted in how I was raised. Specifically, that the gender role I was assigned demanded I disconnect how my mind experienced emotion (i.e. thoughts, ideas, inner anxiety) from how my body experienced it (i.e. tears, a tightening throat, voice). This broken connection is something I'm going to cope with for the rest of my life. Losing Jayme has made that vividly clear. (October 2023)
Self-consciousness, anxiety, and shame characterized my grief more than I like to admit. Grieving became a process of sorting through a hive of emotions and insecurities. Unhelpfully, I compared each emotion to my neighbors. If they looked like they were grieving, and I didn’t see myself grieving the same way, I questioned whether I was grieving “correctly”. I wanted to focus on my memories of Jayme and to lament his passing. That intention got lost in this tragic game of comparison. (June 2024)
Béton Brut II
Below is a continued look at my grieving process after Jayme’s passing. Below you’ll find some journal entries and voice recordings I made in the weeks and months after his passing. Their time of writing is in brackets at the end of each section.
@arianapasin thank you for lending me your camera that month after mine broke. I would not have made this portrait without it.
~~~
I'm rejecting avoidance, repression, and dismissal (Sept 2023)
My mind witnessing a body avoiding emotional experience, and so commanding the body to dredge up a cathartic emotional release. (October 2023)
The inspiration for Béton Brut II came after I discovered KEN mode’s NULL album and its final track, Unresponsive. It was the piece that first dug a visceral, cathartic, emotional response out of me. NULL's cover is of an eerie, smirking, red face. I loved the colours and composition and used it as a direct reference. (October 2023)
Catharsis. Release. Relief.
Coping with the grief of Jayme's passing has been a learning process. It began in confusion. I would think "Why doesn't my body feel more than this? I want to feel more than this." My lack of a physical emotional response amplified my inner turmoil. My desire to feel was vast.
I eventually crafted a short playlist of evocative and healing tracks. The list would be played in order or an individual track would be repeated depending on how I was feeling that day. I often teared up listening to them. I often still do. The track-list can be seen below:
Béton Brut by Ashenspire
Unresponsive by KEN mode
The Screen by YOB
Our Raw Heart by YOB
You can find links in my bio to access youtube and spotify playlists containing these tracks. Heads up, the first track is loud and intense.
(June 2024)
~~~
Béton brut is architectural concrete that is left unfinished after being cast, displaying the patterns and seams imprinted on it by the formwork. The result is the visibility of the imprinted seams and construction methods of the formwork used to mold the concrete.
Béton Brut III
My grief does not disappear, but its emotion and experience become overruled by the immediacy of our technological forced-entrepreneurial present. There's no opportunity to look out over a peaceful, serene, sunset; No opportunity to sit still with our community, glassy-eyed. The boulder falls down the hill again. The rat race continues beyond the horizon.
I feel internally rushed to accept; To return to normalcy. My relationships and emotional endurance have suffered in this grief. Acceptance then has this material benefit. But it reeks of avoidance. I resent this need to accept; to move on. It's as if my subconscious demands I return to a productive mindset. (Sept 2023)
It's amazing how our perspectives of a moment can change so dramatically over time. The ideas I found to understand my initial reaction to his passing felt so accurate and distinct. I was frustrated that I wasn’t given the tools to cope with grief when I was a young boy.
But the confidence I felt in my rationale decreased over time as I revisited my initial feelings and those initial ideas. This series was made while I was steeped in those ideas. So, how do I look back on these images now that my perspective has shifted? They mark a time of vivid emotional experience.They represent the ideas I had when I first created them, and how that perspective evolved. They describe how difficult grief can be to process, and how long it can take to do so. (June 2024)
After almost two years since Jayme’s passing, this google doc depicts a vivid journey through grief, shame, and self-reflection. None of these thoughts would have been recorded, and pondered so heavily, if I had never sat down to create Beton Brut I in the first place. I am reminded of the power of process in art practice; Of its power to stimulate self-reflection. However various the messages that I read in these self portraits, I feel a sense of satisfaction knowing these messages are opportunities to better understand myself. (June 2025)
~~~
Love you Jayme. I miss your voice. I miss your earnest dedication to the people around you and your craft. I wonder what you would say if we could talk about grieving togethe
www.dustcwaine.ca/theband
We have so many fun pics to show you. These are just so we can promote that we are doing a show with @francisbaptistemusic May 16 at Green Auto!
Pics by @coleschmidt
#searsportraitstudio #bandphotos #drag #musician
Best of 2025
Adam and Robyn near camp
at @basscoastfest
My fav images of 2025 were those where precious memories intersected with beautiful composition.
