Six years ago, Chatter hanged himself.
This piece is about the shock, grief, rage, and bittersweet love of losing him. The harrowing, incompletable process of reconciling yourself to the brute fact that your friend is gone.
Reconciling yourself to the guilt.
The reality that, no matter how much people reflexively argue otherwise, you know the true answer to the question "is there anything I could have done?" is
maybe.
There is no happy ending here. The phoenix does not rise from the ashes. He is dead, and now every day is darker.
You learn to live with it, and accept that a part of you is forever broken.
---
My deepest, unending gratitude to
@hell_ishh for her brilliant and insightful tutelage. She helped me take the raw emotion of this piece and hone it, shape it. The process of taking something like this and working it into something that works on stage - without losing the raw honesty - is a difficult task, and I am unimaginably lucky to have in her a mentor who helped give it form without ever trying to compromise its integrity.
I'd also like to thank
@lizziedizzee , who SOMEHOW took Lindsey Stirling's 'The Arena' to under three minutes without losing any of that song's narrative beauty. If you're looking for help with your music editing, look no further.
Finally, my profound thanks to everyone at
@altitudepolesaintjohns whose kindness, brilliance, and support are the only reason I ever got this far. Thank you all.
@nzamateurpoleperformer
@nzappauckland
@altitudepolenz 
