A year ago today I reached out for help when I needed it most and it changed my life forever. A year ago tomorrow I made the scariest appointment of my life to speak to doctor to finally assess my mental state. A year ago the day after that I was booked off work for 4 weeks due to a major depressive episode and placed on suicide watch. Here’s what I’ve learnt in this past year:
Healing isn’t linear. I still have days when I can’t get out of bed, when all I can do is cry from feeling overwhelmed by the darkness and not knowing if I can make it out. But now I know I can, and I know that the sun will rise and the darkness will ease.
Life gets so much better. Don’t get me wrong, life is still hard and some days suck but those days are lighter when you know you have a team holding your hand through those hard days.
I am so much stronger than I thought I was. I know I can make it through whatever comes my way because I made it through this. I can do hard things.
I am and never will be alone in my struggle with depression and feelings of hopelessness. If theres one thing this year has taught me it’s that there are so many other people, loved ones, friends, who are struggling. I can only hope that I can help these people in the way that my loved ones help and support me. I said it a year ago and I’ll say again now; check in on your loved ones and tell your friends you love them. You have no idea who needs to hear it on a tough day.
When discussing this ‘anniversary’ with my therapist she asked me to describe how I feel about it in 3 words, to which I replied: I am proud.
I am so proud of myself. I made it through the worst thing I have ever experienced and I came out with a smile. I finally feel as though I have made baby Hannah proud. I can finally say I like who I am and who I have become. I can do hard things. And I will continue to do the hard things and know without a shadow of a doubt that I will get through, still standing, still shaking, but with sunshine in my heart and my family, chosen or not, by my side.
I’m grateful I didn’t give up - I found the sunshine again.
October 2024. A hard one for both me and my family. In many of these photos I’m smiling but the truth is I was trying to fight, trying to figure out if I could keep going. My depression hit the worst it ever had, but I kept up my mask and kept pretending everything was fine. Until I couldn’t anymore. I fell apart. I was booked off work, my medication was changed, my mum had to book an emergency trip to Cape Town, we had to weigh up whether I should be booked into a facility - a lot of big decisions to make when I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed. But I had an incredible support system who pulled me up and out, forced me to take walks, to see some flowers, and see the people who made me feel the most loved and cared for. Without them I fear what the outcome would’ve been. Without them I wouldn’t be standing here, still shakey, still weaving in and out of dark patches, but healing. And for the first time in a long time, wanting to get better and ready meet Hannah again, think I’ll like her this time.
If this time has taught me one thing it’s to ask for help. I made the terrifying decision to reach out and ask for help, unsure and embarrassed but I was met with a wave of love and support, and an (almost) overwhelming amount people reaching out and showing me the true meaning of family, chosen or not - I could not have done this without each and every one of you.
If you actually made it this far, I only have one thing to say; check in on your loved ones and tell your friends you love them. You have no idea who needs to hear it on a tough day. And if you are struggling, I know it’s scary and I know it’s shameful but reach out your hand, even if it’s just to one person because you don’t know who’s going to be there, pulling you up behind them. Life is worth living, I promise
And on this set I made friends with a bee, attacked everyone with flowers, nearly fell off a stand, watched the boys do a lot of heavy lifting, and got ridiculously sunburned
