this is a reminder for me :
the internet feels so much better when you look at it like a stream. like you’re connecting your consciousness straight into the screen.
video by: @emeryg
there’s an interesting phenomenon, you know, of looking at yourself in the mirror. we can never see the true self, the true face, we can only catch ourselves through different surfaces. we can only take in ourselves through this alternate dimension. is this the real self? is that something that even exists? or is the self splattered into smithereens existing and in multi minuscule universes?
i feel an alternate self when i am alone in my room. when i am walking in the world outside. when i am speaking to you.
maybe the idea of self needs to change. maybe self is a kaleidoscope of variant universes.
regardless, in the universe of my mirror, something has changed.
— — —
video
by: @emeryg
no one really explained how death would feel like a disappearance. or maybe they did and i was too afraid to listen to them. i guess i just imagined it would make more sense. but now i have even more questions. i just keep asking myself, where did you go? even though i was with you until the very end, i still don’t understand it, i have so many questions. i hope, in some way, you will help me answer them, now that you’ve entered your next form. even though i can’t see you, i can still feel you here. people say sorry for your loss, but loss feels like such an odd word when it just feels like you’ve disappeared or shapeshifted. i guess this is the end of our physical relationship and the start of our invisible one. i’ve always loved invisible things and i believe in them the most. but this transition is harder and more complex than i imagined. it feels good writing to you, i think ill need to do it more. my writing has always felt attached to you. whenever i channeled your love what i wrote was the strongest. i don’t know what to say, just that it was the privilege of my life fighting for you these past 7 months at your side as we took on this disease. nothing i do will be more important than this. i have no regrets. i gave you all the love i have inside of my body. each day i would wake up thinking wow, my life is perfect, i am so happy where i am, despite all the challenges we faced. we were fighters. we are fighters. we did so good for so long, and then it unraveled. i don’t understand why it happened so fast. i will spend my life trying to understand it, cancer research still feels like it’s in the dark ages after how i saw they handled you. it makes me furious. i felt hate in my heart when you left. i didn’t know who to direct it to. god, the doctors, the universe — it wasn’t clear. it still isn’t. but i love you. i love you more than anything. everything i do in my life is for you. it is your monument. i love you mommy forever.
how to instantly have a deeper conversation with your friend:
1. open a joint google doc
2. choose a topic
3. ask and answer questions back and forth
4. surprise yourselves with how you answer
for our full convo on the magical inner sensations of writing — read on halleta.substack.com — link in bio
video by: @gh0sttaste
Sometimes I wonder if the medium in which I’m speaking to my friends affects what I’m saying to them. Why is it more freeing to write on a blank page than speak to someone? Is there a way to blend the experiences? So you are no longer in a writing headspace alone?
Ryan — @gh0sttaste — and I experimented with this idea using a blank google doc format and asking and answering questions back and forth live to each other to see if we could accomplish this. What resulted was a conversation unlike any we have ever had before. Filled with epiphanies and newer understandings of ourselves.
Read our full exchange — halleta.substack.com — link in bio
& try this experiment out for yourselves 🪄…
ever since the pandemic i’ve had a very complicated relationship with driving. having flares of dissociative/derealization episodes that burst into panic attacks.
i stopped driving in january, but i’ve kept wondering — if i followed the full sensation of my panic could it lead me inside of an alternate dimension?
read my surreal flash fiction story on the @electricbl.ue substack link in bio
photos • videos • art direction: @emeryg
