2025 was a year largely shaped by anticipatory grief and the fear of losing my mom. It was also a year filled with beautiful moments like celebrating Molly, her dream wedding coming to life and witnessing so much love around me.
What I know to be true is that great joy and deep grief can exist at the same time. One feeling can trigger the other, and honestlyā¦ it can be confusing to hold both. Iām incredibly lucky to have friends and family who remind me that itās all ok.
Iām engaged (*screams*) and marrying the love of my life! Weāre over the moon and so excited for the future ahead. Alongside that joy, I miss my mom and wish she could be here with me for these next chapters of my life.
Stryker took this photo of me holding our engagement flowers on NYE. While going through photos for this post, I came across the one of my mom holding flowers in almost the same way. It felt like a message from her saying that she is very much with me.
She always told me to trust the timing of my life, and I know sheās happy knowing she was right about Stryker alllll along š¤š„ šļø
My mom believed deeply in reincarnation. She often told me she felt I had been her mom in a past life.
In one of our last moments together, while I was caring for her in the hospital, she said it again and we exchanged some of our last āI love youās.ā In that moment, it felt like our timelines blurred. I actually felt like I was her mom. The love that flowed between us was so deep, so expansive, itās hard to put into words. I imagine itās the kind of love a mother feels the first time she sees her baby. Maybe, just for that moment, our souls really recognized each other beyond this lifetime.
It tears me apart knowing my mom wonāt be here physically when I become a mom. She wonāt get to hold, dance, or sing with my babies like she has with my nieces and nephews. I used to feel so sad knowing she wouldnāt be able to give a Japanese middle name like she did for my sistersā children, but in a lucid moment, she gave me a name (thank you, Aiko). And when the time comes, Iāll pass on a little piece of her love. But I have a deep knowing that sheāll still be with us. Sheāll be in the music we share, the wind, the waves and the sun on our skin.
Through the grief, I can also feel a lightness. My momās spiritual beliefs taught us to trust that her soul is off on a new path and to know that we are eternally connected. We will always be together. She taught us not to be scared of death and rejoice that she can be free to fly.
And as always, she reminds us in her voice and her way to āEnjoy your life!ā
Even though she said this was her last time on earth, if for some reason she ends up back hereā¦ Iād be honored to be her Mommychan.
All my life, she kissed my hand three times. This time, I kissed her hand three times. My way of sending her back into the universe, where I know weāll meet again.
Love you in every lifetime š¤ 5/27, 11:33am
