I have always struggled to see myself in photos. I like being the one behind the camera taking the photos. I think most of you know I like to show who I am through the lens of how I see the world, through a droplet of water on a leaf, the flickering sun behind the trees during a car drive. Of course, this is also because, as I am sure we all experience, I could write an entire book about my insecurities. But seeing this photo taken by the angel
@boo.go warmed my heart. Captured in exhaustion and so bunged up with my allergies I could barely breathe, but most importantly, I was filled with immense joy from a special day. When I started travelling alone for work, I started this ritual of taking self-portraits with my digital or analog camera, never with my phone. I just wanted to capture a moment in time where I felt really proud of going out there in the world on my own. In those photos, the insecurities don’t disappear, I can still point out what I feel fragile about, but the joy overrides it. In an era where self-care is sold for capitalist gain by feeding insecurities through an individualistic pursuit, it’s been very transformative to actively step away from that world, from the intense look at the “self”, and instead, experiencing and cultivating the “self” through existing in the world and in doing what I love. I am lucky enough to have been brought up by a mum who has never said one negative thing about her physical appearance in front of me, not once. What a gift that is. I don’t yet possess that strength but I know if I ever have children and feel the urge to beat myself up in from of them about my looks, I’ll be sure to bite my tongue even if it bleeds. I feel so lucky to get to repair my relationship with myself through the eyes of such incredible friends and through what I create with my hands. I still beat myself up (especially right now in PMS territory), but how lucky am I that I even get to have a body to experience all the ups and downs of it all. I wrote a little poem about these down periods of self chastising called Beast if you’re interested, the link is in my bio. Anywho, enjoy your body, feed your soul and take occasional nudes hihihaha
