Tryina look cool for our first day of school (err protest). Still and forever encouraging and good to feel the energy in real life of others who care. Getting out-there, getting in-volved, the only good antidotes to helplessness.
I think we don’t talk about death because we’re afraid of how it will make others feel. At least I think so. We try to save others from discomfort. But of course not talking about it in however pseudo-conscious fashion we don’t, does not make it not exist. And talking about it of course brings empathy and humanity, making it a livable part of life, rather than an invisible thorn. You know, so maybe let's talk about? A little more.
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Today is Mason’s angelversary. 5 years ago to the day today he passed in the early morning. My “special nephew” whom I helped in a strange and powerful way make. His passing has marked me and forever will. I believe recently I’ve been becoming more okay with that, as I have felt some of the things I didn’t have faculty to feel at the time.
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Thank you to @happytoclarafy for your incredible support through this and encouragement of me to feel and express as I’m doing here now. (Follow her new healing venture @candlelight.rituals.by.clara as she attends @endwellproject tomorrow hosted by my sister in law @iamjjduncan )
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Poetry feels like the most pretentious of the art forms and yet it’s one that has come the most readily to me lately. Maybe I should own it??
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Thank you Mason for all you have been in my life and to so many others. Thank you to his moms @stacey_sb17 and @iamjjduncan for shepherding him so incredibly through life and the passage from it. To his sister Mads for sharing so much of that time. And thank you to his grandparents and my parents @michael_book and @lindaleonardbook for supporting us all. And to my bud and brother from another mother @joeyham_samitches for being there with me and my family in the days after.
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Words in poem too many. To follow in comment
My misogi for this year (see @jesseitzler ) was to climb Mt Whitney. At 14.5k ft, in the middle of the eastern sierras in central California, it's the tallest peak in the US outside of Alaska.
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Having trained for a few months pretty diligently we felt prepared. And yet the conditions near the peak became a bit harrowing. Fierce winds, brutal cold, and hail. Super proud of @happytoclarafy and @honywalntshrimp for accomplishing this with me. Amazed with both of them. And very grateful @ericryanericryan joined us and lent his experience to guide us. As he told us on the way up, "the mountain will still be here next spring, you may not be". Perhaps it was summit fever that pushed us to keep going that last mile to the top. But we did it! Proud of all of us. Relieved. And grateful.
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Lessons learned? I'm not sure. Maybe to bring backup gloves?? Maybe more sincerely, it may be that old saying, "if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
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Much of my exploration and time in nature has been by myself. Grateful to have done this one not alone 💚
When Mason talked to Arnold, 5 years ago on his birthday. I remember at the time hoping beyond hope that Arnold's words of many more birthdays was not sugar but real. Of course Mason's birthday 5 years ago was to be his last here on Earth. Thinking he would be 16 today blows my mind. And aches.
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I've been struggling with this, as with many things in my life lately and that is largely why I have been quiet for a while now. Coming to terms with my own pain around this and my anger for what I've felt like is the lack of recognition of my pain, my loss, has been a real struggle. One I haven't been always even conscious of. A pain and loss I haven't known how to process all the time. Not asking for any recompense here but sharing because I believe sheding light heals and hopefully honors. I wrote him a note:
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Dear Mase,
I want you to know I think about you most everyday. More now than in the past. More now wondering what kind of young man you'd be now at 16. Would you still think I'm cool? Would you be taller than me? Probably. Would we have a relationship? Would we hang out together? Would you allow me to be a part of your life? Would I be there? I don't know. But probably. It's an unfathomable but all too fathomable other universe where all this happens and is happening. Would you see me as your uncle or something more? I know that since you've been gone, since you got sick that second time around and more since you passed and even more now as more time passes, I see you less my nephew and more something more.
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I love you Mase. Yip yip. Happy 16,
Love,
Juice
Ran through Hollywood in neon, mesh, and gold. ✨️🏳️🌈🫶🏻
#Pride2025
#HollywoodPride
#PrideParade
#LoveIsLove
#LGBTQ
#QueerJoy
#PrideReel
#PrideInLA
#PrideMonth
#Hollywood
Badgers would become an important thing in our family.
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I haven't posted too too much in the last 4 years since. I went back to the post I made nearly 4 years ago to this day. This day 4 years ago. Yes. Wow. 4 years. Could have gotten a whole nother degree in this time. It’s been 4 years since Mason passed on today.
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I’m by no means not spiritual. I definitely believe there is something out there beyond what we can see. It would be kind of hubris to think there isn’t. We know there are spectrums of light we cannot see that other beings can. So what happens to the force in us when our bodies shut down? I just don’t know and I have no idea.
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Most know Mason was my nephew and he was also biologically my son. While he was alive, that “biologically my son” part was more of a side to the main course. He was my nephew. And still is. Perhaps, likely, I would have felt that “biologically my son” part more as he grew older. He would have been 15 this year. A young man, truly. Tough to believe.
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In his passing, that aspect of “biologically my son” began to resonate more. It was confusing. He wasn’t “mine”, but he was from me. So how much was I to grieve? I’m not sure I ever consciously asked myself that question but I know I wrestled with the question quite a bit.
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4 years on that part still resonates loudly, that “biologically my son” part. Seeing him in videos, I feel it. I don’t often connect with it fully but when I do it feels like the grief wells up from deep down inside somewhere in me, in my bones maybe. Somewhere deep in me. It’s always scary to feel, like the hesitation you feel before getting into the cold ocean initially. After a bit you regulate and it washes over you and you swim in it and you’re part of it. It feels good. Really good. This connection with the force of him that is now beyond.
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But I still I exist in the here, now, present of conscious life on this planet of organic matter. I cannot be in that space all the time, and the hops, the transitions back and forth always require a significant and focused and vulnerable state of mind.
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(Conclusion in comment)...
