The pic in slide one was taken recently, on my first night properly leaving the house after weeks of sickness and depression. It was so, so hard to get myself outside but I did it. Sometimes I look at the picture in the second to last slide, of my mom 9 months pregnant with me, and I feel such a strange mixture of awe (at the mysteriousness of life, birth) and sadness (when I consider the world I was born into). Next month is my birthday. Sometimes I really don’t know how I’m still here. All I know is that everything I do, I do for Little Zee. This is the compass when everything seems hard, impossible, pointless. I do it for a little girl I barely know but carry with me, always. I hope in the end my life is a love letter to her, and every little Black girl who just wants to be free.
The most terrified I have ever been was when four cops entered my apartment to carry out a “wellness” check. I was in a severely deep depression at the time. I had tweeted something earlier that day about not wanting to be alive and someone, however well-intentioned, did the worst thing you can do to help a Black woman experiencing a mental health episode by calling the police to check in on me. The moment the officers stepped into my home (like they owned the place), looking around and touching my things and asking me questions as if I was hiding something, I knew that I was not safe. I told them I was scared of them and they laughed like I said something hilarious. Even in my fragile and agitated state, I had to push through the debilitating wave of depression and anxiety I was feeling to seem as “normal” and polite as I could. I knew that every move I made or word I said could be misinterpreted and used to justify killing me. After they left, I cried for hours. This morning I cried the way I cried that day. I cried for Sonya Massey and every Black femme living with mental illness who seeks help and is met instead with violence. Earlier, under the graphic footage of Sonya’s murder (which I refuse to watch), I saw hundreds of comments from people suggesting that she deserved to die because she was “acting crazy” and because she was holding a pot of boiling water. A pot of boiling water, a toy gun, a few loose cigarettes, a hoodie and a bag of skittles, the back of a Black man running for his life — in America all these things are considered more threatening than a cop with a gun. Fuck anyone blaming Sonya Massey for her murder. And Fuck Sean Grayson. Sending love to all the disabled/mentally ill Black people trying to stay alive in a world that wants us dead.
If you’re in LA you should come to @vidiots tomorrow, May 13 at 7:30pm for a special screening of filmmaker Shatara Michelle Ford’s sophomore feature @dreamsinnightmares . I’ll be moderating a post-screening conversation about this truly special film with Shatara + cast members @sasha_compere and @deneebenton - link to where you can get tickets in my story ✨🤍
“Heyyy how y’all doin?” *ms juicy voice* Slowly emerging out of a cocoon of grief into my season, Taurus season, feeling nothing like myself and more like myself than ever.
1. Secrets & Lies (1996) dir. Mike Leigh
2. @julianakilrose
3. Killing Time (1979) dir. Fronza Woods
4. @chloezhao on grief
5. Toni Morrison on beauty
6. Toni Morrison on beauty
7. 🏠
8. @alicesparklykat on Taurus
9. The hand of herbalist Emma Dupree
10. Crystal Labeija in The Queen (1968) dir. Frank Simon
11. Anthony Bourdain quote from Kitchen Confidential
12. Dr. Maya Angelou
13. From “Our Sister Killjoy” by Ama Ata Aidoo
14. Alice Walker on collective love
15. @yungdeadthing 🫶🏿♾️
16. And So Angels Die (2001) dir. Moussa Sene Absa
17. @chismosavirus
18. Malcolm X was a Taurus
19. From the poem “Entering the Kingdom” by Mary Oliver
20. Me after Uranus in Taurus rocked my shit over 8 years (image via @mandicreally on TT)
1. Nikki Giovanni reading the poem ‘Revolutionary Dreams’ in 1974
2. Quote from ‘Giovanni’s Room’ by James Baldwin
3. The most important thing here is Denis O’Hare singing “Even though at times they go to extremes” as Charles Guiteau in ‘Assasins’ 2007
4. Excerpt from ‘The Man Psychology of Fascism’ found in ‘Blood in my Eye” by George Jackson
5. Arundhati Roy reading from ‘The End of Imagination’
6. “To never get used to the unspeakable violence.”
7. “Are you community made? Are you claimed by who you claim?’ - @xiuhtezcatl
8. “Take care your energies.” - Toni Cade Bambara to Toni Morrison
9. “You wanted more than I was worth. You think I’m scared and you needed proof. Who really cares anymore?” - lyn_nling covering Muse
10. “Separation from the land is where [fascism] begins.” - Vandana Shiva
11. Toni Morrison on the steps towards fascism’s “final solution.”
12. “When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me.” @ncutigatwa in the @nationaltheatre production of ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’
13. Note 199 from Christina Sharpe’s ‘Ordinary Notes’
14. “The DSM is pathologizing your inability to successfully ignore the ways you are being oppressed and harmed by capitalism, white supremacy and patriarchy.” - @peoplesoracle
15. ‘And What About the Children’ poem by Audre Lorde
16. ‘Frontiers of Dreams and Fears’ (2001) dir. Mai Masri
17. From ‘The Politics of Childhood’ by Aurora Levins Morales
18. At any given moment I am thinking about this ‘Matilda’ performance at the 2013 Tony’s
19. “Never again will we be ignored.”
20. In another universe
1. Nina Simone always in all ways
2. Still from ‘Djeli, Conte D’aujourd’hui’ (1981)
3. Fannie Lou Hamer in 1968 interview from ’The Heritage of Slavery’
4. Alice Walker interview from 1989 (/watch?v=iL92LvhBcB0)
5. Good question
6. Octavia E. Butler in 1992 doc ‘Black Sci-Fi’ (/watch?v=_lAXJQlmFUU)
7. Toni Morrison quote from ‘The Site of Memory’
8. I’ve been thinking about these 5 seconds from ‘The First Day of My Life’ video for 21 years
9. Cécile McLorin Salvant singing ‘Ghost Song’ in 2019
10. Lucille Clifton poem
11. Chaka Khan singing ‘Precious Lord’ with Etta James, Gladys Knight and Billy Ocean in 1985
12. Still from ‘Oz’
13. James Baldwin on ‘The Artist’s Struggle for Integrity’
14. (/2016/05/22/james-baldwin/)
15. Harmony Holiday via Substack
16. @Romeo.show with an important reminder for this moment
17. The end.
1. Poem by Lucille Clifton
2. Christmas present from @yungdeadthing 🥹
3. Den Muso (1975)
4. Den Muso (1975)
5. The Audre Lorde Questionnaire To Oneself
6. Donyale Luna in Salome (1972)
7. The End of Summer (1961)
8. The End of Summer (1961)
9. Solange performing Binz
10. Toni Morrison from this interview (https://youtu.be/_vgEhN4fypw?si=Rz_fzAC_NApsOru0)
11. One Day Before Rainy Season (1971)
12. David Lynch from this interview (/watch?v=SpomrL0qA-E)
13. Guimba the Tyrant (1995)
14. Sweet Bean (2015)
15. Sweet Bean (2015)
16. Sweet Bean (2015)
Thinking about time travel. These are photos I took in Ghana when I was 18. Wild. I’m 36 now. Such a weird age. Much like 18, when you wake up and suddenly you’re an “adult” and everyone expects you to monetize your imagination. There’s a timeline where I became a photographer instead of a writer. Wonder if I’m burnt out in that universe, too. 🫠
![1. Nikki Giovanni reading the poem ‘Revolutionary Dreams’ in 19742. Quote from ‘Giovanni’s Room’ by James Baldwin3. The most important thing here is Denis O’Hare singing “Even though at times they go to extremes” as Charles Guiteau in ‘Assasins’ 20074. Excerpt from ‘The Man Psychology of Fascism’ found in ‘Blood in my Eye” by George Jackson5. Arundhati Roy reading from ‘The End of Imagination’6. “To never get used to the unspeakable violence.”7. “Are you community made? Are you claimed by who you claim?’ - @xiuhtezcatl8. “Take care your energies.” - Toni Cade Bambara to Toni Morrison9. “You wanted more than I was worth. You think I’m scared and you needed proof. Who really cares anymore?” - lyn_nling covering Muse10. “Separation from the land is where [fascism] begins.” - Vandana Shiva11. Toni Morrison on the steps towards fascism’s “final solution.”12. “When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me.” @ncutigatwa in the @nationaltheatre production of ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’13. Note 199 from Christina Sharpe’s ‘Ordinary Notes’14. “The DSM is pathologizing your inability to successfully ignore the ways you are being oppressed and harmed by capitalism, white supremacy and patriarchy.” - @peoplesoracle15. ‘And What About the Children’ poem by Audre Lorde16. ‘Frontiers of Dreams and Fears’ (2001) dir. Mai Masri17. From ‘The Politics of Childhood’ by Aurora Levins Morales18. At any given moment I am thinking about this ‘Matilda’ performance at the 2013 Tony’s19. “Never again will we be ignored.”20. In another universe](https://sp1.picnob.com/p/pt_6766171630434367691753_0_dac4984e03618c356c78e30fef226984.jpg?o=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&h=d125b9f7a339753b0b331bbe3bbcf9fc)
