University College London Football

(1/3) Finally, after 8 months, a whole new committee, 5 further wins over the poly and maybe arteta’s final phase(…?) THE VARSITY VIDEO IS HERE Credits on the video to Capt. McAvoy and on the caption, speaking to us from beyond the grave is Capt. Horswell. Enjoy After a two year hiatus, the biggest Derby in English football was finally back. UCL vs K*ngs. Purple vs Red. Phineas vs Reggie. Burlington Bertie vs Nobody. As the Strand Poly did their absolute best to avoid varsity the year prior and even sacked ‘legendary’ manager Alan Sellers, replacing him with Gareth Southgate’s actual son. Sadly, he also had to see himself out after having to sit through 90 min of watching the KCL back four having a concede-off. The date had been set for months. March 27th was etched into every self-respecting UCL student’s brain. Rumours circled of flyers being put up inside toilet stalls. After what seemed like an eternity, Varsity was finally here. Having enjoyed a 10:1 ratio of UCL to KCL fans in attendance of the first half of Women’s varsity, the team locked in at half time and followed captain Ben Horswell down the stands and into the changing rooms of the imperious SkyEx Community stadium. Capacity of 1 million I’m told. The scent of Chris Beale’s Vaporub combined with bagsman Aidan McAvoy’s UK garage playlist had the boys fired up as they raced out to the 4G pitch to start another one of Horswell’s highly elaborate training elements: the possession drill inside the penalty area. The pitch was misty, lightly drizzled on and the dimmed floodlights were just bright enough to see 18 quiet yet confident UC faces, ready to show the masses the footy which had seen them rack up an invincible league and cup double without breaking a sweat. The boys got to witness Kon Mamkhegov’s arch one final time before we were ushered into the tunnel, ready to step out onto the hallowed turf of Hayes and Yeading United FC. With the UC Women having flawlessly dispatched their KCL counterparts, the pressure was well and truly on the men.

1,2,3,4 London remains purple 💜 Shot by @galagepics

VARSITY UCL vs KCL FOOTBALL ⚽️💪 Tune in for the game and broadcast on Thursday March 26th!! Special thanks to: Director: Vish Saha @_vish_saha Cinematography: Begum Geveci @begumgeveci Editor: Samaiyrah Ssinha @samaiyrah.ssinnha Producer: Mariia Honiukova @_mania_h

📸 A look back at our Annual General Meeting & Alumni Event in March. Barca Away for the lads at the end of this month. And a sneak peak for what’s to come next year. Who knows, we may even get our own Veo one day.

And so it was again. The stage the same and the outcome, no different. A rebuild complete and another successful UCLFC chapter written into the history books. LUSL and Varsity Champions at the expense of the poly down the road. 10 years and 1 win for @kclfootball and you start to wonder whether we should play their medics instead. Here is your varsity frame by frame as captured by @galagepics @chris.hoyle.photo and @m2_shots

Finally the write up you’ve all been waiting for, and avoiding in fear of your precious varsity spots. Nevertheless, el presidente has stepped in. As sky sports would spell it- Aiden Bagsman McAvoy is arguably the most decorated character in the UC. Former RUMS double agent with butt-buddy flatmate sources connecting him to Red Star - Aidan’s heat map is incredible. Whether it’s on the pitch (because he never subs himself off), or on campus getting canonically tapped out by Aka at the Rocket, nobody has a clue what he actually does outside the UC. When pressed about it he spits out a masters no one has heard of and “some work for a man atm”. We think he used to be a bartender where he hosted the soberest freshers initiation of recent club history. Who knows, some people just don’t have a life outside of football. But let’s talk about parental maturation. Talk about Zero to Hero. Ask this man about his first trip abroad. We are talking about an individual that used to need three people to hold him up in scala, now carrying 18 freshers to near BUCS promotion and yet another LUSL title. Like the Klopp-Slot handover, first year was great but it’s time for this lad to go. He’s scored in nearly every match he’s played, including two varsity’s in a row. Let’s make it three tomorrow and see the old Aidan one last time. Likes: Bagging, RUMS, Tradition Dislikes: Doctors, Underarmour @ Battersea Powerstation

Like the French nobles that trace back to Napoleon, Romeo is the faded memory of a once mighty empire. A French dynasty that ruled over the UC for years ensuring that multiple members of the starting 11 had to be French so they could speak candidly about their trust funds. Judaism is represented with one simple motif, a star. And that is what Romeo is. Star boy, dressed to the nines and always smelling like a freshly baked loaf of Shabbat bread. His eyes twinkle with the glow of distant targeted missile strikes. And a pleasant smile, the kind that comes from absolute financial security. You’ll know Romeo is on the pitch, especially if you’ve got a large camera in your hand. Because he’ll be hovering around you pretending to look at something in the distance or tie his laces. If you don’t have a DSLR with you, look out for Romeo unravelling full backs like they’re Torah scrolls. Nicknamed the “fidget spinner”, Romeo has developed an impressive capacity to withstand the G force that comes from his incessant 180 degree rotations on the pitch. Romeo practically collapsed into the VC position this year and could have been the worst in UC history. I say “could have” because one day something changed in Romeo. After nearly killing all of the passengers in his tiny car for the third time, Romeo decided there was more to VC than being Aidan’s ball boy, whispering encouraging words, and telling himself he’s shit every time he misses a shot. A switch flipped and he bought in, finally speaking to people outside of J-soc. You will have most recently caught Romeo clutching onto his “most assists” trophy in scala from 01:45AM until close. A last dance for the Jewish Robben. The playmaker of the Passover. Will he get his goal? Will he get his happy Hanukkah? Find out on the 26th. Likes: Schafer house Dislikes: Positive self talk

Despite china’s Great Leap Forward, their vast population doesn’t seem to produce many great footballers. That was what I thought until I met Ashton, who is also potentially the tallest man off the continent. A two-time ISFA winner (if you can’t already tell by all of his instagram posts), a stalwart at the back, and another man who has risen through the ranks from the 2s project. A man of very few words, Ash is so locked in he was heard muttering “I’m going to f*cking kill him” after conceding a last minute goal in a 12-1 win. In fact, I don’t ever think I have seen him locked out. Frankly, it scares me. Much to my surprise, I once (and only once) saw Ash submerged in the humid scala crowd. Ladies either side, strutting to his favourite Gangnam Style, he says to them “yeah, come watch varsity I’ll dedicate my goal to you darlin”. The ladies blush. Or at least that’s what I thought happened, I could be wrong. If I had a pound for everytime I’d seen someone get a meal deal as their post scala drunken scran, I would have 1 pound, which is odd, and that’s because of Ashton. He is a truly unique individual. A humorous man, Ashton won funniest moment of the season, missing his train from Vauxhall station due to bathroom troubles, and launching a formal investigation about whether he had IBS or not. Let’s hope this time it will be k*ngs shitting themselves when they see this towering wasian stand forth upon them. Keep an eye out for Ash pre-varsity, he will likely be found in the stand, meal deal in hand. You could try talk to him, but he will definitely have his airpods in, drowning out all of our dreadful chat.

Nicholas Lampert (a.k.a Nicky Red Shorts) stood out immediately from trials because of his unique style. Rocking his bright red shorts, he danced around the other trialists at Regents Park. His peculiar on the pitch fashion would continue as he insists on wearing these absurd white and red socks that make him look like Where’s Wally as he dances around defenders. Shocking attire. Dresses like he wants to play for k*ngs even though he is far too good for them. If there’s one thing that has been noticed about Nick this year, it’s his utter disdain for punctuality. The regular line is ‘who are we missing…oh Nicky’ and at that point his snap location can most likely be found at his halls while we are on the Elizabeth line to Hayes and Yeading. What must not be understated is his remarkable ability to mae it on time for kick off despite being 4 zones away. Like his style, he has a particular peculiar vernacular, that consist of the words ‘dingers’ and ‘crease’, which the best linguists the club has to offer have only just started to figure out. Sadly for Nicky, this isn’t the only shocking chat that he has come to be known by, as his conversations with the other gender have become known amongst the team. The less said about the better, and I will leave it to an unlucky lady at the after party to find out first hand. Returning to his style, Nick has received a lot of flack for his barnet. He holds the record for being the only man who’s barber has received a dick of the day shout possibly ever. I will leave it up to you decide whether that is just or not. He will probably be late for Kick Off, and it will be a right task for Aidan to convince him not to wear those bizarre socks. If there is one thing that is sure he will be sat there pre-varsity scranning Bananas- I have never seen someone eat more. I wholeheartedly believe that you will be dazzled by his performance as he waltzes past the opposition scum. Likes: Bananas (genuinely his pregame record is 4) Dislikes: His barber probably.

Good job we’re getting to the end of these eh, my eyeball has started twitching. Next up is mr chat of the year (joao) Felix. Earning himself chat of the year thanks to his incredible ability to make every conversation feel like an FBI interrogation. If he’s not tearing you a new one on the pitch, he’s asking what you’re having for dinner, what your mum’s having for dinner, what your brother is having for dinner, and so on and so forth. On the topic of food, Felix eats like a tudor peasant. Expect him to be chowing down on a stale loaf in the stands prior to the big game. Perhaps this explains his interest in everyone else’s exciting and balanced diets. Felix got his start with the 1s after a brief stint for the 2s. The scouting report from Tino: “Well I picked up the ball and heard the pitter patter of feet before I was bum rushed”. If you find yourself in Selene sat across from the drunken, and frankly broken, figure of poly captain Leo. Remember this writeup and Tino’s scouting report as Leo recounts the first time he came across Felix on the pitch. Felix loves the game, much to my distaste when he tells me he’s rolled his ankle after deciding to play three days running, namely for his beloved Bloomsbury FC. It has taken a while for Felix to get over his one true love, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he tells me he needs to leave varsity early to make their training. Likes: UCLFC Loves: Bloomsbury FC Dislikes: Food with flavour

Introducing Bradley Hod- Oh wait sorry, I am under strict instruction not to inform you of his “guvvy”. Going by the alias of Silva on snapchat, I present to you a man so mysterious alot of this year’s freshers didn’t even think he was real until late December. That was, of course, when Brad defrosted and crawled out of whatever cave he was hibernating in. He had started to sense something, that woke him up from his slumber that has lasted since last years afterparty. Varsity was around the corner, he knew it. Pinning this man down for a profile, or even getting him to training is like catching the wind. But just like the wind, for anyone that remembers last year’s varsity, Bradley has developed the capacity to quite literally breeze through the oppo. And, again, like the wind Brad does not seem to own a pair of ears. As the rest of the team cries for him to just lay it off, Brad pays no heed and continues to play like he’s in a Nike advert. A scholar of philosophy, and it’s no wonder with the way he seemingly enters the mind of his defender in order to leave them for dead. He’s come a long way since being scouted by Horswell at the court, developing ankles of steel with the amount of times he’s been wiped out in a frenzied mix of frustration and desperation. Likes: Varsity Dislikes: Timekeeping

For anyone wondering why sancho isn’t the same player he used to be. It’s because a UCL student by the name of Jay Patrick stole his likeness and now Sancho plays BUCS by day and works part time by night. Though he’s particularly frustrated his weekend work commitments mean he can’t stat pad in LUSL. Sancho has really thrown everything into UCL football, enjoying the break from his intense footballing schedule. In fact, he was one of about three people who attended this year’s domestic tour in Glasgow. Not only a playmaker on the pitch, Sancho was facilitating play for his team mates in the various seedy bars that president Andrew James recommended. He’s carried on building his brand with fashion shoots in various corners of London and recently got himself a stud in his ear, though he’ll be distraught to find that he will have to take it out for varsity. He’s mixed well with the general public, dating a girl from oxbridge and bonding with our 2s captain on the sofas of scala about the fact both their girlfriends go to better universities than they do. I’ve gotten abit lost in the Jay/Sancho alter ego here, but lets hope sancho turns up at varsity and not Jay. Likes: His Arsenal jacket