jordan

your mindset is what builds your life

SYSTEMNOTES [active] input: build-twenty-twenty-five-run-time duration:eight-thousand-seven-hundred-sixty-hours status [complete] clear_on_exit: false if I quit when life gets hard I've already lost unable to control what happens to me. only how i respond to it doing all the more despite. not all the less because why the fuck live a life that is "normal" when nothing is no longer normal more likely to regret the things I didn’t do than the things I did why not now to everything fuck the what ifs embrace finitude die with zero people don’t pity me because my life is bad, they pity because my existence nullifies their excuses I do more in a worse “circumstance” than them which invalidates their inaction the ones who feel* most sorry for me are unironically those who’ve done nothing they feel bad about the loss of my body having never done anything with theirs sympathize for yourself someone can suffer and still live more fully than they do which terrifies them it’s not our pain that unsettles them – it’s our resilience people crave equality because it gives them an excuse to be content with what they are, rather than suffering the process of becoming comfort doesn’t equal happiness struggle doesn’t erase purpose weakness starts in the mind no sympathy for the weak if you don’t have a healthy mind there’s no point in having a healthy body if you can’t control your head. you’re dead life is short because we* waste most of it life is long if you know how to use it if you die enough, you’ll live forever once you experience the worst* experience in your life what's left that can stop you unable to live to be healthy one can live to be beautiful the fate of those destined for a young death is a gift pain is what makes profound in the absence of pain there is nothing i'd rather eternity in the future at the expense of longevity in the now being like the child is the ultimate stage of spiritual metamorphosis operating in six-month intervals. thankful for another one I hope we can keep this party going for the rest of my life >>a figure stands at the limit of the system, legible only as an anomaly within an optimized field of circulation.

endings the most this decade has been a wealth of experiences a span of a beautiful life a flame that starts to burn quick but burns the brightest premature decay change of plans a movie cut short adaptations pacing towards the end credits to live out my dreams with a sense of urgency in everything and living life accordingly which paints life with all the more colour and all the more meaning unconcerned by the death of the body but the death of the mind on the fringes of physical control meanwhile a society losing its humanity myself losing my own double disability constrained in different ways yet free in others and yet the more loss and suffering I experience all the better life feels tremendously so it’s not death at all that is bad but the manner of death and the manner of life before death death itself is neither it just is transcending trying to get as close to the heavens getting as close to death as possible that way when death does arrive I’m already there and it’s not the length of your life but what you’ve achieved in the amount of time that you’ve lived better the life that is short and full of content than that without it in other words i'd rather live a short intense life than a long monotonous one xxx

To be able to think and see Yet unable to move Perpetually disappointed A body and society both in decline Towards disability A mind now writing indifferently A body that hears everything the mind says Free yet unfree To not be a victim of circumstance To be the result of choices made To live all the more despite, not all the less because To be indifferent To focus on the things out of my control is maddening Extending my torture Ruining the rest of my hours To focus on what I can control Everything changes To accept everything as if I had desired it As if I prayed for it To want everything that is happening to me To want death more To never want this to go away This condition that gives me clarity and urgency This better awareness of mortality This better understanding of the human condition This knowing of how to live This knowing of how to die Only when I want what I am going through do I start living And If I never start living I will nevertheless die With never having lived And the closer I get to death, unironically the more I feel alive To live life at the outermost limit To get as familiar with death as possible To grow with death by its side as closely as I can So that when death smiles at me All I can do is smile back … So when death does occur I am already there ### round29

2023 For me.   The door to the roof, the casket coming to a close The reaper waiting at the bottom of the stairs The child in him, unaware, hopeful, at once just like the other kids Death following him everywhere By the garden Down the hospital hallways In his bed Years of blissful ignorance Moving through most of his life uninterrupted I thought he had more time   For you.   Life without living. Connected without connection. Memory without memory. Experiences without experience. Love without loving. Things without things. Texts without textures. Place without place. Dwelling without dwelling. Moving without movement. Humans without humanity. Dying without dying. Being without meaning. Surrounded by constant obedience. Blind compliance. Entering a world where one is no longer able to face struggle, yet one full of struggle. Stuck within an ICU. A Server. What instead takes place is a great suffering. Removed from the real world, matrix living, stuck in the cave, unable to be offline, to close the eyes. One no longer knows how to die. Bread and Circus. Colliding declines, clashing. The reset juxtaposes my own. A reset in full force. A reset that was very much my own test. A seeing the world for what it really is, that I was previously not in control of my life. A life now mine that I take full responsibility of, all the burdens, struggles, sufferings I am grateful for. This is real freedom. I’m thankful for this. All the pressure that is privilege. Not the woke virus that infects the minds. All that keeps you plugged, dependent, as a no body. Tied and dependent to the system. Always living by, for and through the machine. You disappear. The angels no longer envy the human.   In search of a real world. One that flees my grasp however one now clear. To take hold before it and I disappear. The roof is still the only authentic act of escaping the server To mediate between earth and sky Heaven and hell Above the trauma factory, the server of everyday das-man   One can only get to heaven through dying. It’s important I die along the outer most limit. A life that may be short, yet one full of meaning.   Another year I’ll take.   2024

27 years removed from a condition that highlights my finitude from a society that conforms and obeys meaningless exchanges and non-freedoms two sides of the same coin, towards disability the last healthy years wasted foreshadowing the decline the reset I had everything I wanted and now it’s over your world reopened, mine remained closed new chapters were started, and I’m writing my last perhaps the whole book is closing a revised expiry date a new start, a new end meaninglessness on the periphery trapped, feels never ending disintegration of society of the body of the spine of the mind a wake up call to find meaning in the suffering to learn how to die a series of necessary losses the server and the body reset in sync a condition illuminating what really matters death providing guidance into every decision authentic human everything becomes a memory inaccessible, overwritten a broken scratch disk fearing a life without memories a life without meaning not fearing death, fearing insignificance insignificance is not remembered the simulacra is insignificant no choice but to adjust my life accordingly to change perspectives there was still so much more I had planned the bucket list becomes clear, real a doing of everything I can, while I can a tired hare who now races the clock impulse to frantic activities stumbling on my own steps nothing new just new distances just lesser versions of everything i’ve already felt a dream that is collapsing a child that was sparred everything happened so fast everything becomes the last the last chance to climb the last chance to dance the last chance to .. i don’t want to stay here in this town yet I slow down now in this permanent lockdown it feels like i won’t make it out to another year towards death towards freedom towards the real towards the roof jordancomeback 28

time moves fast and life looks bleak before I pass I wanna live my dream

mind over matter; I noticed people tend to live their lives acting as if they’ll have a second chance.. on cruise control till it’s too late and everything crashes to an end Wasting away their health and most of the hours they are alive Crabs in a bucket, a herd mentality pulling you down.. Programmed from the start Cogs in a machine.. Uncontrolled of their time and attention Living an online and meaningless existence This ride is all going to end way before you know it. -- This unending frustration, unbridled thoughts, consumed the best of me Unplugging from the matrix Yet my health brought new challenges to the equation Realizations Working towards freeing myself from the anxiety of death and a shift in priorities and where I find meaning in a free mind in faith in family in freedom -- Transcending through life towards death Rooftopping to alter my state of consciousness A reminder of death and being An escape that is fleeting As my health declines, so does my reach towards my ascension The rooftop as a chase to trace the edge of life and death To remember what it means to be human The climb of life and the edge of death At this moment my climb interrupted My way of being human Cut short, collapsing, trembling An unsteady balance Destined to die The stairs come to an end This time the roof closer than I imagined 2022

26 wake up call knees weak legs tight trembling unsteady time fleeting heart beating seeking a life of meaning fighting to catch my balance to make my mom proud to reach the finish line but i keep failing everytime sitting at the edge of the world still afraid of my feelings I'm scared to jump please don't come near me I'm reminded of days when the time wasn't raced had my eyes to the sky with my hands on your waist too soon for things to end heaven has to wait 27

hiding the hurt

mental notes; self improve think critically question the narrative unplug go where you’re treated best find what you really want out of life lean into the fear seek the truth own your shit control your emotions master your mind trust God in everything and enjoy the decline 2021

25 woke up with a pain in my neck numb complaining about the things i left unsaid in the sheets in my bed unable to write a happy note to save my life and now i’m 26 years old, feel like i’ve died twice damaged memories, they’re all frayed the old me feels so betrayed how did it even get this way everything i feared is all that i’m in making amends with the person i could’ve been years came and went fucking useless fleeting moments blank memories passing seasons getting older winters coming, feeling colder losing the things i fought and worked tirelessly for out of reach restricted coerced forced reframed my mind views values a change of direction a change in mindset to continue this life of disappointment apathy lockdowns, limbo unhappiness depression trapped in discomfort dead ends wanting to end things to hang from the ceiling i know me so well and this is hell stuck in the grain painting colours in my brain i’m the only one that keeps me together i only hope it gets harder the struggles they give me purpose something to fight for, against I don’t want to run avoiding comfort, convenience, the average the enemy of growth deserving better going where i’m treated best not some half life some false sense of safety, security void of freedom freedom of thought belief choice void of what God gave me what really matters i don’t want to die living a safe life when its safe means never get me out of here searching for an exit maybe this was what i’ve been asking for what i needed to create the life for myself that i dreamed of not this indecision and a sick mind am I wasting my time still have too much faith in love still wishing i could feel it all again a heart that’s full free from complication that absorbs my time to be a better man execute what’s on my mind to start new, to carry on, to not look back i’ll be the one that you’ll forget maybe the one you’ll tell your kids you used to know maybe the name that slips your mind in the back of your head stored and confined i’ll hold on, i’ll be fine 26