Anastasia Shub | נועה שוב

One month in the absence of you

– Do you even feel anything at all? I’m lying face down on a treatment bed during one of those “beauty procedures” in Netanya. – Yes! – I try to sound convincing. – Because I’ve got the machine on very high settings for you, – a woman’s voice drifts from somewhere around my calves. Oh, I definitely feel it, Yulechka. The salon is run by 2 women named Yulia and it’s named accordingly. How convenient. But really, I’m lying there thinking about how our dog Jenny is having surgery today. And how I lay face down on a bed 6 years ago, after we had to put Ashley, our Sealyham, to sleep. And what an immeasurable thirst for life she had. The kind I don’t think I’ll ever fully grasp. I’m also thinking that I should write a few lines for my sister’s birthday. About how absurdly different we turned out. How emotional and wide-open she was. No one would ever ask her questions like that. And what an immeasurable thirst for life she had. The kind I don’t think I’ll ever fully grasp. I’ve written very little about her. Writing something down means giving it shape, and once it has a shape, you can’t really undo it. Re-melt it. Or pretend the person exists somewhere outside your reach. Although, in a sense, that’s exactly how it is. And yet forms get placed on shelves. Dust gets brushed off them. For the past few months, I’ve been going to group workouts, and last session I lifted a weight I hadn’t touched since university. – You can do more, – the trainer says. (I can’t.) – You don’t look exhausted at all. What interests me at that point is how little people understand endurance. Or why they need to see others at their limits? Yesterday at the office, I had to explain why I couldn’t connect to the paid version of the software. I already have a group subscription, but the administrator… died. That absent-minded little smile again. Thinking: well, no day is complete without feeling socially awkward. On the way home, I put on that Hugh Laurie song – the one my subconscious keeps dragging back to the surface for fairly obvious reasons: Baby, you don’t know, you don’t know my mind. When you see me laughing, I’m laughing just to keep from crying.

After immigrating to Israel from Russia, completing the Israeli rabbinate's conversion course felt like the natural next step. During the yearlong journey, my intentions and sense of belonging were challenged – by my provocative teacher and secular society alike | Anastasia Shub . Design: @trashification . Credit: Anastasia Shub; Eyal Warszewski . Link to full piece in bio

moments of bliss

Maya and Liyubov Fearless, resilient and glowing from within for @chance4life_

To the fierce beings that women are – the perfect storm of facets: power and endurance, grace and complexity, tenderness and ferocity; the ability to hold it all together, to fall apart, and to carry on. Happy Women’s Day! [what a perfect excuse to share these, not that there needs to be one!] photos by @braudephoto 🤍 @beststudio.israel

A day of energy, teamwork, and sportsmanship at a youth sports event by the Ministry of Sport in Ramat Gan

Two years since we parted. The notion of a last touch and last words once felt inconceivable. Now, two years later, it has become a rock-solid, inescapable reality. Thank God for the fragile yet profound gift of memory – stored both in my mind and on hard drives. And each time I look in the mirror, I see you. My comprehension of what happened has transformed. What has settled in its place now is the quiet feeling that you simply moved far away, somewhere off the grid. I had plans, though. I wanted to keep making them together, to face challenges side by side and continue discovering each other, just as it was getting better every year. I miss your boundless knowledge, your rationality, and your humor. Oh, how little control we truly have, even over our own lives. It turns out all the letters had been written, all the photographs taken, all our shared moments lived; I just wasn’t aware of it at the time. I wish I could squeeze all the sorrow and longing out of my system and keep only what is pure and light. Has anyone ever really managed that? It doesn’t matter. I am doing me. A small update: I am no longer sure I want to commemorate your beautiful life on this day. From now on, I will honor it on your birthday instead. On this happy note, as you used to say, thank you for your attention. I hope you are well. I know you are.

Happy Birthday 🤍 @ryudovsky Full spectrum included

My love 🖤

Olya 💫 Or should I say @olya_utrom однажды вечером

Milka pt. 2 🤍