I never grieved the loss of my baby the way I should have. I buried the pain because it was too unbearable to face, and I told myself that surviving meant staying strong and moving forward. But the truth is, grief doesn’t wait patiently when it’s ignored it lingers, it aches, and it finds its way out in other forms. For me, it became crippling anxiety. For two years, I’ve lived in a constant state of fear and unrest, my heart racing, my mind never quiet, my body exhausted from carrying pain it never got to release.
This loss didn’t just break my heart it changed me. It stole my sense of safety, my peace, my ability to breathe without feeling like something terrible is about to happen. Anxiety touches every corner of my life: how I wake up, how I love, how I trust, how I exist. I miss the woman I used to be the one who laughed freely, who felt joy without immediately bracing for pain, who wasn’t afraid of her own thoughts. Some days I don’t recognize myself at all, and that grief hits just as hard as the loss.
But somewhere deep inside me, beneath the fear and the sorrow, there is still a part of me that wants to live again. I am trying slowly, painfully to sit with the grief I avoided, to let myself mourn the baby I lost and the version of myself that disappeared with him. I’m learning that healing doesn’t mean forgetting or “moving on,” but learning how to carry love and loss in the same heart. I want to laugh again without guilt, to love without fear of losing everything, to feel light without feeling like I’m betraying my pain. I don’t know how long this journey will take, but I know I’m still here. And even in the depths of this anxiety, I am choosing to fight for myself, for my healing, and for the joy I still deserve. 🤍
Every challenge is an opportunity for growth, and every success is a testament to your hard work and dedication. Trust in yourself, and know that you have the support and love of those around you.
Here’s to new beginnings, exciting adventures, and the amazing person you are becoming.
