To keep Laurelhurst residents from ever having to hear helicopters transporting sick kids directly to the hospital, today the entire community was airlifted to permanent safety one mile away from Seattle Children’s into Lake Washington.
“We take seriously the concerns of Laurelhurst residents worried about what frequent helicopter noises could do to their health and weekend barbeques,” said Seattle Children’s ICU Dr. Christine Shields. “So instead of maybe hearing 3-4 Life Flights a week, they’ll just hear a helicopter this one last time before every sound is forever pleasantly muffled by the soothing waves of Lake Washington.”
Although some Laurelhurst residents took issue with being airlifted a mile away from where they’d rather be on waterfront land where they allegedly would be safer and stand greater chances of survival, doctors assured community members that one mile hardly makes a difference between life and death.
“It’s one mile—who cares?” Dr. Shields said as a helicopter plopped the community into a lake so deep engineers have only dared to build floating bridges across it. “They all went to schools with water polo teams—they’ll be fine, and more importantly, safe from all the selfish kids who want to be sky-chauffeured straight to the hospital just because their little lives are on the line.”
At press time, Queen Anne residents fighting the city’s removal of street parking so that firetrucks can drive through the neighborhood's narrow streets were also being airlifted to safety one mile away into the Puget Sound.
A new report confirmed today that Laurelhurst residents blocking helicopters carrying kids in critical condition from landing directly at Seattle Children’s hospital because they’re too noisy ain’t heard motherfucking shit yet.
“Our noise study research shows that if waterfront mansion owners in Laurelhurst think hearing a Life Flight carrying a critically ill child land directly at the hospital is loud, maybe they should just stab their own ear drums out now because they haven’t heard jack fuck yet,” said UW lead researcher and person with a soul Dr. Erika Wheeler. “Data shows that, at least theoretically, one person after another could just drive into their not-gated community and annoyingly honk every day until the end of time or until Laurelhurst residents stop making Life Flights with severely ill children land in an athletic field a mile away from the hospital.”
The study also showed that Laurelhurst Community Council President Colleen McAleer in particular has no idea what symphony from the seventh circle of hell awaits her if she keeps saying things out loud like, “There have been fewer landings in the athletic field; almost all the landings are on top of the building. It seems some of the helicopter pilots are not trained on how air-lift drops are to go.”
“Although Colleen seems to think it would be too loud and obtrusive for about three airlifts a week to land directly at Seattle Children’s, our investigation shows she clearly has no idea how many people across the city and nation would like to torture her ears with much worse,” Dr. Wheeler said. “We’re talking whistles, horns, speeches from Donald Trump and Elon Musk—things that’ll make you wish an overhead helicopter was drowning them out.”
At press time, local noise study researchers continued to test their theories by kayaking near Laurelhurst homes at night with airhorns.
This week a Seattle judge who ordered the man that threw a rock at an endangered monk seal return to Hawaii for court also ordered the general public to know this piece of shit is from Covington, not Seattle.
“I hereby order Igor Lytvynchuk to return to Hawaii to face federal penalties of up to a $50,000 fine and year in prison, and for the general public to note this guy is actually from a suburb people live in just to seem 2% better than people in Kent, not Seattle,” said U.S. District Judge Paula McCandlis. “Sure, we have many pieces of our own shit living in Laurelhurst, etc, but please let it be stated for the record that this particular steaming pile of crap is from Covington.”
After the man is sentenced in Hawaii for hitting beloved monk seal “Lani” in the head with a rock, Seattle is nonetheless still planning its own punishment for the man.
“It’s already a crime to say you’re from Seattle when you’re not, but to do that while breaking the law to hurt an adorable animal is certainly an enhancement to that crime,” said actual Seattle resident Rachel Moore. “Just don’t be surprised if on his next visit to Pike Place Market someone throws a giant fish at his head.”
In the meantime, Hawaii was reportedly waiting for anyone in either Seattle or Covington to kick his ass too.
In a show of how much better they are than those awful people in Seattle’s Laurelhurst neighborhood, today Bainbridge Island added an “Everyone Is Welcome Here” sign to their 90-foot wall that keeps the poors out.
“Unlike some neighorhoods out there that won’t welcome all children even if they’re severely ill or injured, we welcome all children as long as they’re not trying to find affordable housing here,” said Bainbridge Island resident Sandra Becky. “Behind our 90-foot wall that blocks all affordable housing development no matter how much state law mandates we finally let them in, everyone is equal no matter our race, gender or sexual orientation because we’re all equally rich.”
One Seattle mom said she was very moved by the sign despite having been turned away from Bainbridge Island at the 90-foot-wall checkpoint for not having a high enough salary listed on their monthly paycheck stub.
“It sucks they wouldn’t allow me and my family to get much beyond the ferry dock, but it was worth it to take the ferry here just to see how welcoming Bainbridge Island wants to believe it is—absolutely adorable,” said Melissa Barnes. “If I can ever afford more than a dinky, run-down apartment that still costs half my salary to rent, I would love to one day meet the amazing people beyond those tall walls.”
At press time, Bainbridge Island had added a small asterisk with fine print at the bottom of the sign clarifying that “everyone” still doesn’t include Palestinians at the Bainbridge Island Museum of Art.
People all over Seattle today were horrified to discover that, hidden amongst last week’s unpopular Supreme Court decisions, was a 6-3 vote that has officially changed the name of Seattle’s famous market to Pike’s Place.
“What the actual f—,” said Belltown resident Jay Wilson as he watched a crane add a neon apostrophe and “s” to what was once the famous Public Market sign this afternoon. “I thought I’d never see a more horrifying sign in Seattle go up than Climate Pledge Arena, but here we are.”
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas wrote the opinion on the ruling.
“Even though the name has been Pike Place Market for 115 years and literally nobody wants this to change, I’m confident that only I know what market founder Thomas Revelle actually wanted,” wrote Justice Thomas. “Go ahead and protest, see what happens—it’d be a shame if a majority opinion suddenly came down next term to move the Seahawks to Oklahoma City.”
As the court term continued, revelations of several other unpopular decisions began to stack up.
“They even did the unthinkable and raised the price of the Costco Hot Dog Combo,” said political columnist Bethany Parker. “It’s long been thought the $5 rotisserie chicken was settled law, but at this point, anything is possible.”
Among other unpopular votes rushed last term were 6-3 decisions to replace all the city’s elevators with Light Rail escalators, demolishing Lumen Field to bring back the Kingdome, and replacing the Fremont Troll with the terrifying visage of local right-wing pundit Jason Rantz.
After people across the nation shamed his neighborhood out of blocking helicopters carrying sick kids from landing at Seattle Children’s, today $18 million waterfront mansion owner Bill McDickerson said he just wishes there was some way to not live next to a noisy hospital.
“I guess I’m just stuck here with no choice but to hear three Life Flights a week fly over my palatial home and yacht dock forever,” said McDickerson as he helplessly looked across Lake Washington at Kirkland, Medina, Hunt’s Point, Bellevue and Mercer Island. “If I had just known when we moved in here that it would be frowned upon to add 10+ minute delays to the medical care of children so sick or injured they had be airlifted, I would have never bought this old place. Oh well—nothing I can do about that now.”
As he winced at a set of protesters playing vuvuzelas in the distance, McDickerson said he also wished he had the means to live in some sort of gated, non-city community.
“Look, if I had the financial flexibility to move somewhere hospitals and protesters are far away from my delicate ears I would, but sometimes you just get stuck living in a 5-car garage, 5-yacht boathouse, 25-room waterfront mansion in a city’s most affluent neighborhood,” McDickerson said as his full-time personal assistant alerted him of a text from a friend in Palm Beach. “As if it’s not hard enough for people like me now that I’ll have to pay the Millionaires Tax—all those privileged plebes who don’t have to pay it don’t even care. They should be thanking me for not only having to live next to a hospital but putting in the time to pester medical professionals with questions about whether it’s really necessary for them to put as much effort as they do into saving children’s lives as quickly as possible.”
After failing to summon the community’s sympathy for having to live next to a hospital, McDickerson said his next strategy for garnering sympathy this week will involve reminding everyone he also lives next to Duff McKagan.
After two weeks of deliberation, today the esteemed Laurelhurst Community Council generously agreed to let sick and severely injured airlifted children live instead of die from unnecessarily delayed care in an unnecessary ambulance ride a mile away from Seattle Children’s.
“As much fun as it was to demand oversight of the degree of children’s injuries and illnesses and definitely nothing else to see if they deserved being taken directly to the hospital, today we’ve graciously decided to stop weighing in on decisions that could’ve delayed care and killed your children,” said Council President Colleen McAleer, whose main qualifications for being on the Medical Review Committee were being rich and having sensitive ears. “Your children are now allowed to live after being given the best and fastest care Seattle Children’s can give—but only if we still get to fire any nurses who dare park in our neighborhood, okay? We have to keep up the illusion that we live in a private gated community when we actually don’t at all somehow. It hurts our feelings too much when people remind us we couldn’t afford Broadmoor.”
The city hailed the magnanimous neighborhood for kindly sacrificing the quiet ambience of their waterfront mansions’ weekend barbecues to maybe hear a Life Flight helicopter sometimes.
“It’s really so kind and selfless of them to allow a children’s hospital they chose to buy a home near to operate as a children’s hospital—I mean, wow,” said Seattle Times Publisher Ryan Blethen before penning a glowing editorial about the local philanthropists. “They could have afforded to live anywhere else, but they chose to live next to a hospital, then bully a hospital, then choose to stop bullying a hospital and its patients—humanitarians of the year right here, no contest.”
At press time, Laurelhurst residents were turning their attention to benevolently blocking the Millionaires Tax after reviewing which children and teachers deserve fully funded public schools and healthcare.
As fans unveiled Mariners legend Randy Johnson’s retired number tonight, many were delighted to discover the confetti raining down on them was actually an explosion of feathers.
“There’s no better way to commemorate everything The Big Unit gave to this team than reminding everyone once again he’s the guy whose pitch exploded a bird into a poof of feathers one time,” said Mariners owner John Stanton as a sea of feathers shot out of confetti canons. “Also no better way to get back at the seagulls who divebombed my French fries on the waterfront last weekend.”
Johnson said he was honored by the personal touch added to the ceremony.
“Heh, heh, yeah cool, that’s great,” said Johnson picking feathers off his uniform while trying to suppress unwanted flashbacks to the time he accidentally murdered a bird on live television in 2001. “Whatever helps block out that I won the World Series for the D-backs instead that year.”
At press time, morning doves and seagulls were reportedly still outside T-Mobile Park protesting the crimes of rampant fastballs and French fry-hoarding.
A month after Sound Transit finally opened its much-anticipated Crosslake Connection light rail stations, this week Seattle residents formally concluded their impressive, four-week run of pretending they ever wanted to take a train to Bellevue.
“Wow, that was hard—I don’t know how people on Broadway put on shows like this for months on end,” said Seattle public transit advocate Jason Aronson as he and his friends took a bow and accepted bouquets of flowers from Sound Transit staff. “Thank you! Thank you very much! While it was difficult to pretend I really voluntarily wanted to spend free time in Bellevue, I hope everyone found it a meaningful performance.”
Bellevue residents had also wanted to put on a performance of wanting to take a train to Seattle this month but it was unfortunately canceled by rumors that Seattle is dying.
“We appreciate Seattle playing along and acting like they’d ever voluntarily take the train to Bellevue for anything but seeing the mountain out over Lake Washington on a beautiful day,” said Bellevue Mayor Mo Malakoutian. “We know the only reason anyone ever comes here is to work for a salary that makes it easier to afford living in Seattle.”
At press time, the Seattle-based public transit advocate actors were preparing for their most difficult performance yet: Getting excited about taking light rail to Fife.
Fury took over the city of Seattle this week after its “White Female Mamdani” mayor, Katie Wilson, was caught blowing precious taxpayer dollars on a giant, 60-foot-long personal limousine with its own dedicated lanes of traffic.
“As if it’s not enough that she’s riding high in her personal electric limo for herself and her Transit Riders Union posse, she’s also demanding it have its own dedicated lane of traffic painted red with the blood of her sworn enemies,” said one source who wanted to stay anonymous due to fear of retribution. “That socialist psycho even has her staff literally roll out a red carpet to it before she boards and heads back to her home on The Hill so she can keep looking down on the rest of us poor car drivers.”
Asked if she planned on ever keeping her high public office from going to her head and exploiting taxpayer dollars for such personal luxuries, Mayor Wilson said she would be doing nothing of the sort.
“I’m tired of everybody hating and acting like they don’t want to live the way that I live,” Mayor Wilson said cooly as she adjusted a pair of Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses. “Don’t be ridiculous—everybody wants this. Everybody wants to be us.”
At press time, King County Executive Girmay Zahilay had also reportedly been caught using taxpayer dollars on personal dance party limos installed throughout with what are clearly stripper poles.
After weeks of battling each other so hard it looked like they might destroy themselves just for the satisfaction of irreparably ruining the other, today the U.S. and Iran have reportedly agreed to an alternating weekly schedule of war/ceasefire.
“At first we thought the best-case scenario might just bet letting the United States have war on the weekends with more of an 80/20 weekly schedule,” said Iran Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei. “But we want to have ceasefire on the weekends too sometimes, so although I think neither of us like this whole splitting custody of war and peace, I think alternating weeks is what works best for us right now. You know, he doesn’t even want ceasefire – he just pretends he does when all he really wants is war.”
The legal mediating counsel for the arrangement, Abdul Soleimani, said he was happy to finally get the high-conflict national leaders to agree to a schedule they’ll manage through an international court-ordered OurWarWizard app that will give everyone involved a little bit more predictability.
“Are they still fighting about who gets to bomb on major holidays? Sure, but I think we’re finally getting somewhere,” Soleimani said. “With people like this, sometimes the best you can do is just keep them from going nuclear on each other.”
At press time, Soleimani confirmed the oddest thing about the leaders fighting each other so much is they’re actually so alike.
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