I have almost a self sabotaging need for freedom. it’s compulsive, frankly speaking.
so often when people talk, myself included, we unintentionally use words like spells for the brain neurons. A compliment in my head is often registered as an identity that needs upkeeping. the identity of the “helpful”, the “your brain is so beautiful” etc etc blah blah blah
these days I have refined my response to a compliment by performing “gracious acceptance” or “charming awkwardness that’s lowkey assertive” (immediately complimenting back was a rookie mistake i grew out of)
however, in order to maintain a calm nervous system, i disassociate into certain spaces:
- i imagine juggling in the corner of the room
- i imagine ruining the moment (the spell) by doing or saying something completely unexpected
- I use animal behaviour to covey something niche (like trilling, making that facial expression of my first cat etc)
that’s all i have to say about the matter at the moment. my dad and i are about to have lunch, the food is warm and set on the table. life is good
first photo by @nelson_viji
This caption is about curiosity. read if you wanna read, internet person.
There were times as a kid I would randomly break off from my mother and tail a person with a plastic bag full of stuff. I wanted to know what was bought, what was being carried which led to more question:
where are you going now with your three bald coconuts, ma’am? What will you cook? Do you love your daughter?
But now that I’m an adult, I find the natural curiosity of human beings has fewer and fewer grazing grounds. Not because we grow dull per se, but because we are socially trained to express only certain forms of curiosity
here is a list:
- gossip, celebrity and personal. People pretend they hate it course, but only because it’s tasteful to do so. However, there are forms of social curiosity that mean no harm. like the looking into people’s bag, overhearing a conversation between strangers etc.
- doing it for the plot, a curiosity to play with decisions to see where it takes you. sometimes you may even know the outcome, but hold on to a foolish hope.
- a gap year. a curiosity to see what you learn about yourself if you grant yourself time. this is also a curiosity that is a privilege.
- the urge to jump off a building, even if you aren’t suicidal. the same curiosity that made you dip your finger in hot wax as a child (and as an adult). i find this curiosity to have “do it for the plot” energy but sensoriel edition.
I am leaving this essay unfinished. I grew my nails recently and it’s difficult to type. goodbye, internet stranger.
please please please release me from the shackles of cosplaying “being hot”, amen. I am intrinsically creepy, clueless and lost. Also, i want to take a moment to publicly congratulate myself on the remarkable “mouth acting” i just performed. bravo.
in collaboration with photographs by @gregmophoto
(except the second photo, that’s not him and frankly you can tell)
Thoughts about the caption?
these inspired me so much. Look at the brilliant composition of a mark left behind on the wall, presumably from a ripped poster or bill. Always reminds me that the best Pinterest references come from what’s around you and not just the app.
The things i save on Pinterest always make me feel a pressure to attain, like who i am right now needs to be discarded to become what’s saved on my board.
But when i draw visual references from my surrounding, it feels like it’s a part of me already. it touches me in ways that don’t feel self abandoning for something better.
does this make sense?
at some point i realised that my neighbour places his sandals exactly the same way, each time, every day. left foot off first, then right foot. against wall, always.
makes me wonder what makes us do certain odd things that are special to us? we can’t fake these things, this is true personality. and in this age of performative coolness and uniqueness i always fall back on simple things - in the actions that are unintentional, how do you express yourself?
see you, love you. have a headache, gonna run and get a dispirine.
