“I never wanted kids when I was younger, in fact I adamantly rejected the conventional ideas of a life, including marriage and kids. My parents split when I was less than a year old, so those things didn’t make sense to me. I was in my late 20s when I realized the rejection was fear (surprise!). I was terrified of the strong connections and commitment required for marriage and family, afraid to share myself and feel at home with a true partner. As soon as I mustered the courage to start looking, I understood how hard those things were to get.
I eventually found the partner (yay!), but trying to have a baby was near-impossible. We had just started trying when my husband was diagnosed with an incurable degenerative retinal disease. I had my first miscarriage about four weeks later, and that kicked off years of lost pregnancies, IVF, uterine lawn-mowing – yes, that’s a thing – and hormones, shots and shots and shots and shots (not the fun ones). We bounced from one doctor’s office to the next, this time infertility, that time blindness, this time OB/GYN, that time retina specialist. Our car was full of free water bottles from fancy offices.
My partner & I were together in separate grief, pushing through work and social life, stepping in occasionally to check the other’s wounds, but both feeling so alone. I wanted to build our family and expand our life; he was frozen, terrified that adding anything would cause him to lose more.
Four years later and days after my birthday, I got pregnant and, importantly, stayed pregnant. I was so attuned to the minutiae, cycles, and signs, I distinctly remember that first pinch in my belly, subtle but undeniable, the first welcome discomfort of child-rearing. I was ready for the transformation of motherhood, but I hadn’t realized I‘d already started it.
My partner and I still navigate the nebulous countdown that is his vision loss. It’s ultimately a separate journey, though we do our best to support each other. My motherhood & parenting story continues, and I am wildly grateful. I never expected that caring for a little human could fill my heart and make me feel more myself, more at home than I’d ever imagined.”
🎤
@selucky 
