I’ll always remember the first time I watched Dìdi.
I had finally come back to the Bay after multiple excursions. Truthfully, I wanted to be anywhere else and looked for any excuse to be away from home.
During one of my trips, I found out that someone who went to my elementary school, middle school, and high school had made a film that won Sundance. Coincidentally, it premiered in theaters after my arrival. My best friends and I went to watch it with no expectations, just happy to support a fellow Freakmonter.
Dìdi truly captured the heart of the Bay. Everyone in my theater laughed and cried together because the slang and humor were so distinctly Bay Area. We all understood the references, and it made me feel like I was part of something greater than myself. Sean Wang turned my suburban hellscape into something I’m proud to belong to.
It made me feel seen in a way no other film ever has. I saw my childhood everywhere on that screen: the street where my best friends live, the park where we hung out after school, the parking lot where I learned to drive, and the school where I met the most important people in my life.
On my second watch, the film hit even harder. Because this time, I’m leaving the Bay. Seeing those familiar places made me realize it may be the last time I get to see them at its current state. Even when I come back, things will have changed. Only nostalgia can hold its state.
Growing up, I never really felt like I had a home, so I kept searching for it in other places and people. I’ve learned that my home is not a place or a person, it’s within me.
I’ll always remember where I came from.
as someone who is chronically hard on myself, i tend to fixate on my mistakes and induce self hatred. ive come to realize that while this mindset served me in the past in preventing complacency and fueling my drive, it’s no longer serving me. today, im celebrating my wins from last year despite how grueling and heartbreaking it was.
im proud of myself for learning to enjoy my own company. i used to hate being alone to the point that id rather be in bad company than be by myself. ive become someone who loves spending time w myself. i prioritize and partake in activities i love without the need for company. i comfortably go to concerts, restaurants, and even trips alone. last year, i went to 4 concerts and 5 trips alone. i enjoy good company, but it’s not my first instinct anymore to look for someone to be with.
im proud of myself for taking initiative to do things ive always wanted. i worked hard to save up money to fulfill some of my dreams. i was able to check off 3 countries in my top 10, and i have faith in myself to achieve my other dreams. i was able to give myself transformative experiences by constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone. there were many times i had to rely on my instincts to get out of difficult situations, and im grateful how in tune with myself those situations have made me.
im proud of myself for surrounding myself with people who inspire and push me to the best version of myself, who make me feel loved and show me im loved, who wholeheartedly support me yet call me out when necessary. because of their positive influence, i was able to remove people in my life that i felt misaligned with. i feel aligned with driven, compassionate, and honest people.
im proud of myself for being better at setting and maintaining my boundaries. my people pleasing tendencies prevented me from standing up for myself. i no longer accept disrespect. i was able to leave environments i didnt feel respected in, which has brought better opportunities.
im proud of myself for taking my health more seriously. i failed myself at times, but i forgave myself instead of full-on relapsing. im proud of myself for choosing love and gratitude everyday <3
