not my best, not my worst

Sunday marks four years without my dad. May 3, 2022, I boarded a flight to NYC and life as I knew it changed. The night before I had drinks with friends, Melchor put a tampon in his nose. I remember thinking that life couldn’t get any better. I was a little lost, but I had purpose and a direction, whatever I wanted to do next, I could and I knew that to be 100% true. Nothing was ruined. Things were hard, but they were easy. I believed in me because my dad raised me to believe I could do anything so that is what I knew to be wholly true and then he was gone. A random Tuesday. I knew before the plane had even left the tarmac, 13 unanswered calls, a missed call back that haunts me. I won’t pretend things have gotten easier, they haven’t. There is life before that flight from LAX to JFK and life AD, after dad. I call Nicole every time I land at JFK, I call her from the exact same spot I called her on May 3, 2022. Every year I post a carousel of my dad and reread whatever silly thing I’ve typed around 9000x, knowing that I will forever fail to encompass my grief or explain how much loss I have endured in the past four years, some I still can’t face. I’ve been so many versions of me these past four years, cruel and kind and ugly and proud. I like this current version of me best, I think, the quiet one. I’m so proud of who I’ve become, so proud that sometimes it’s like it’s May 2, 2022- that day I thought that life couldn’t get any better. There’s so much I wish I could do over, but honestly, the last two years have been filled with more joy than I ever thought I’d have again, more than I thought I deserved at one point in time. So on this fourth anniversary, I am reminded not of the loss of the center of my universe, but proud of the foundation I’m building at the center of another. I will celebrate my dad this weekend the best way I know, listening to the Beatles, drinking a cream soda and watching @boyslikegirls play their self titled in full. I’ll cry a little and Nicole and I will talk about how I’m the worst but somehow ended up with the best dad and I’ll wax poetic about the man that made this absurd life of mine possible. He’s always in the air. I love you Pop.

Pretty dang good! How are you?????

Thank you @billboard and to the entire @bestfriendsmusic roster. Thank you @danruk and @brandonsgoodman for believing in me. And to my perfect dad, Seth, wherever you are in the ether, I hope you are proud. It is the honor of my life to be a manager. I feel unworthy of this. ❤️

There is no way to sum up the infinite loss of my dad, who was not just a dad to me, but to all. I’ve typed it, deleted it, laid here and pondered what to say, cried a bit and then deleted it all over again, but the reality is nothing changes the immeasurable suffering of a loss of this magnitude. Simply, it’s unfathomable. My dad was my entire life, my best friend, my champion, my hero. He taught me to love without reservation, to be kind amidst the chaos of being human and that the Beatles were the greatest rock band of all time. There isn’t a single thing about him that I won’t miss. There isn’t a single part of me that will ever be the same. I am shattered. Rest easy. I’ll see you at the gates. Goodnight, sleep tight. I love you Daddy.

Cue the waterworks.