Michelle (PWA)🥂

Fellas, is it gay to actually like the people you sleep with? 🤔 "Friends with benefits" is out. Sex with benefits* is in. (*the main benefit IS friendship!) GLOSSARY QUICKIE Mononormativity: the assumption that monogamy is and should be the standard for all romantic/sexual relationships Amatonormativity: the assumption that romantic (exclusive) relationships are and should be the goal for everyone Relationship Escalator: The steps a couple is expected to progress through (date, get engaged, get married, have kids, etc.). The higher up on the escalator, the more mature or valid the relationship is perceived as. FWBS & SITUATIONSHIPS The “friends with benefits” euphemism always puts a bad taste in my mouth because it hardly ever emphasizes actual friendship and connection. “Situationship” seems to be the modern term for it. FWBs/situationships are generally characterized as casual or informal, not official, more surface level. These relationships are not necessarily consistent, but they are ongoing. Interestingly, it is an acceptable form of non-monogamy within the mono-paradigm. Within mononormativity, they exist in a limbo state or holding pattern at the bottom of the relationship escalator - but not quite on the escalator. CASUAL, NOT CALLOUS This post is not at all an argument against casual sex and relationships. No relationship needs to exist on the escalator to be valid, healthy, or sustainable (and they certainly don’t need to be exclusive). However! Even casual relationships deserve mutual compassion and respect. Good communication and boundaries benefit all parties involved. You can even *gasp* catch feelings! Imagine allowing yourself to actively like the people you hang out with! WHAT IS ROMANCE? “Catching feelings” usually means developing a romantic attachment, desiring to hop onto the escalator with someone. Close down shop and become exclusive. [CONTINUED IN COMMENTS ⤵️] #polyamory #polyam #nonmonogamy #enm #relationshipanarchy #solopolyamory #relationships #friendswithbenefits #situationships #openrelationships

Rocked! Rocked, I say! (This comes up during most Monthly AMAs, so voilà! Official feed post) Some non-exhaustive pointers for "opening up" THE BASICS: Do your homework! Podcasts, books, social media accounts, workbooks, therapy, meetups, etc. By yourself, with a partner, find a study buddy. Interrogate why you're exploring non-monogamy. More sex? More birthday gifts? Splitting rent in late-stage capitalism? Choice vs relationship orientation? Trying to fix your relationship? Divesting from toxic monogamy? Access to the wonderful wide world of petamours? Destroying the sanctity of marriage? (Some reasons are better than others) Be ready to confront a lot of insecurities & wounds faster & more intensely than usual. The work can be triggering, so don't push too hard. While it can be fulfilling to nudge beyond your comfort zone, ignoring your capacities & boundaries can ultimately be detrimental. IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO DO THE COUPLE OR "PRIMARY" THING: - Read up on concepts like couple privilege, the relationship escalator, mononormativity. - Establish agreements & boundaries with yourself & your partner. What's within your capacity? What are your hard limits? - Develop open communication. Don't hide shit from your partner - it will almost always bite you in the ass. Err on over-communicating rather than under-communicating. - Practice conflict resolution skills. Ideally, you are both on the same side, the same team tackling issues together, not against each other. IT'S F*CKING HARD: Monogamous relationships by themselves are already difficult enough. Polyamorous relationships are already difficult enough. Transitioning from one style of of connecting to a completely different style of connecting? (Especially in cultures that aggressively uphold white cishetero- mononormativity?) A whole different ballgame. It's going to be difficult. Your feelings are going to get hurt. You're going to hurt feelings. Respect your own boundaries & those of your partners. Balance compassion & accountability to navigate sustainably & responsibly. This isn't to scare people off - just a warning against flippancy. [CONTINUED IN COMMENTS ⤵️]

Repeat after me: I don't have to fully have my shit together to practice ethical non-monogamy & that's not an excuse to not do the work. Am I too anxious? Overly confident? Too sexual? Not sexual enough? Too jealous? Not jealous enough? What even are my boundaries? What am I even looking for? Who am I? More often than not, practicing non-monogamy requires a good deal of learning & unlearning & can seem both exciting & highly daunting if you're curious or just starting out. A GROUNDING REMINDER We literally have decades of mono-normative programming to sift through. Of course it's going to be tricky. It can take much time and self-reflection to parse through the lessons & norms that actually do serve us versus the ones that are more arbitrary & hold us back from experiencing the level of freedom and connection we want. Non-monogamy is not for everyone - I'll reiterate this endlessly. However, as someone with anxiety and an avoidant attachment style, who is an awkward wallflower at events, & still gets unreasonably nervous opening up to even my longest-term partners at times - I want you to know that you don't need to be fully healed, without flaws, or to conform to a specific ideal in order to explore non-monogamy in a healthy, ethical way. This journey has had its pain points for me but it has also been incredibly healing & liberating. WHAT TO PRACTICE AND CULTIVATE SELF-REFLECTION & self-compassion. It's important to check in with yourself. The more you know yourself, are aware of your desires & boundaries, the easier it gets. CURIOSITY You can't foresee & plan for every hiccup, so explore, stumble, & approach the newness with as much of an open mind as possible. COMMUNICATION Everyone has their own style & feels most comfortable in different environments & conditions, so it's crucial to find what works best for you to help understand others' boundaries & to get yours across. ---- One of the most rewarding aspects of exploring non-monogamy is realizing you don't have to play by the old established rules - that your relationships can be what you make them. [Continued in comments ⤵️]

262. On today’s episode we have Michelle (she/her) join us for a conversation all about how these current systems are impacting our access to eroticism. Together we talk about cuckholding your jealousy, the sexiness of respecting others’ autonomy, and being an ethical slut. #pleasureactivism

262. On today’s episode we have Michelle (she/her) join us for a conversation all about how these current systems are impacting our access to eroticism. Together we talk about cuckholding your jealousy, the sexiness of respecting others’ autonomy, and being an ethical slut. #pleasureactivism

262. On today’s episode we have Michelle (she/her) join us for a conversation all about how these current systems are impacting our access to eroticism. Together we talk about cuckholding your jealousy, the sexiness of respecting others’ autonomy, and being an ethical slut. #pleasureactivism

What have been some of your fave polyam moments from your life? 💌 Negative representations of polyamory inspire more clicks and views in the mainstream, so I felt like sharing some of these wonderful and also mundane bits from the past several months of my life. We don’t need to be perfect ambassadors or to conform to mononormative respectability politics. This post isn’t for monogamous folks (but if you’re nice, you can stay). This is for fellow non-monogs. Feel free to share your own nice non-monogamous moments, too!  ♥️ A few days before taking a partner out for his birthday dinner, a meta asked me where I was taking him to make sure their lunch wouldn’t overlap in location/cuisine. He had a very filling day.  ♥️ A partner was over and was chilling beside me as I played a video game. Another partner saw that I was online and (via the console) sent me the message “I love you. That is all.”, which popped up in the corner of the TV screen. The partner with me and I went "awww" ♥️ I said "I love you" to a partner for the first time after 4 years of being together. (The nature of our relationship has long existed in the orbit of the Queer Platonic). We were both crying happy tears. Thankfully, we were the only ones in the bar so it was a fairly private moment.  ♥️ Co-hosted an event for non-monogamous BIPOC in the Portland area. I have so much gratitude for my co-hosts for coming up with the idea and logisticizing the meeting space. Also grateful for all the lovely folks who showed up and contributed to the electric energy. (Stay up-to-date on upcoming meetups @polyam.in.color.pdx !) ♥️ Celebrated a 10th anniversary with a partner (OMG). He cooked dinner at my place and we watched Bubba Ho-tep (so silly). And then some insecurities snuck up on me and I spiraled, but we talked through it for a few healthy hours, reaffirming in real time how good we are for each other. We also celebrated with three hours of private room karaoke later that week. #polyamory #nonmonogamy #enm #polyam [CONTINUED IN COMMENTS⤵️]

✍️🏾 mark your calendars! We're hosting the next bipoc polyam meetup at Steeplejack on Broadway on April 21st from 7-9pm 🕺🏾 this meetup's theme: 🌸Spring Cleans and Spring Beginnings🌸 rsvp link in bio! can't wait to see yall there ☺️

“Sorry I keep laughing while reading sorry i keep crying during sex, but Jesse James Rose’s darkly queer humor recognizes the absurdities of our lives even as we yearn and break and heal within them. Radical and fresh and giddily honest.” -Michelle Tea, author of Against Memoir “sorry i keep crying during sex is a nervy whirlwind of formal invention, overflowing with unforgettable lines. Only virtuosic comedy diva Jesse James Rose could morph a memoir of trauma, grief, and recovery into such a transformative blast.” -Henry Hoke, author of Open Throat Come join us for an evening with Jesse James Rose as she chats with Michelle Hy (@polyamorouswhileasian ) about her memoir: sorry i keep crying during sex! After their conversation, we'll open it up to Q&A, then a book signing and photo opportunity. 🎟️ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗿𝗲𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗱, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗥𝗦𝗩𝗣𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗱 👉 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗮 𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝗽𝘆 + 𝗥𝗦𝗩𝗣 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗸𝘀! 👈 📍Where: 4555 N Williams Ave ⌛When: April 9th @ 6:30p ‼️As always, events are sober, sensory-friendly, and 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗸𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗱. Find our full accessibility statement on our site ✅ Testing highly encouraged prior to attending! (You can pick up a test from us for free) Image description: On a pink background, the text "Jesse James Rose x Michelle Hy" below a horizontal logo of Always Here Bookstore. On the left, a picture of the cover of sorry I keep crying during sex: A Memoir by Jesse James Rose. On the right, a portrait of the author. Below, a portrait of Michelle Hy. Below that, the text "4/9 @ 6:30P"

Join @charmedcrow.pdx , @pdx.queer.duplex , & @polyamorouswhileasian for our very first BIPOC polyamory meetup! This is a casual hang for all experience levels ✨ with Valentine’s Day approaching, we’ll be getting to know each other over some light crafting/card making! This event is free, but please pitch in $5 if able to help cover basic costs 💜 RSVP via the link in bio at @charmedcrow.pdx . Questions? DM one of the hosts for answers. With so much going on in the world, building community spaces are so critical. We can’t wait to meet you!

From couple to throuple... to threagle? 🦅🦅🦅 @polyamateurhour invited me back to squee over the highs and lows and highs of an animal kingdom triad, experience jingle envy, and - if you love a hearty dose of cringe - we engage in a segment of "Unicorn Hunter Hunters" 🤮 ("Fun loving couple... Someone we can enjoy in and outside of the bedroom... Cannon arms... Drama free!") Head over to @polyamateurhour or look them up wherever you consume your podcasts - new episode out now! 🎉 Thanks for having me on again. Y'all are a riot (the kind actually worth sending the national guard out for 🤪) #polyamory #polyam #nonmonogamy #enm #openrelationships #unicornhunters #throuple

Our love @polyamorouswhileasian is here!! 🤩