The concept of land stewardship has evolved for me over the years. How I relate to landscapes now is drastically different than a decade ago, and certainly 2 decades ago when I first saw through the wall of green and began learning about the plants around me. There days it’s using my skills with a chainsaw.
I moved to the Ozarks a vegan who didn’t want to use power tools. I’m now an enthusiast omnivore who handles power tools nearly everyday. The shift had allowed me to step into my power.
Forest management is affecting a positive change on forest health. Chainsaws and prescribed fire are the best tools for the job.
I’ve been working on TSI (timber stand improvement) on some land I’ve been related to for 8+ years. The concept is that without intervention forests (most of which have been logged over and left alone) become overcrowded as trees compete for limited light, soil nutrition and water. Releasing healthy, well formed trees from competition allows them to achieve their full potential.
Prescribed fires is a traditional management strategy to reduce understory growth, increase species diversity and create browse for animals. Selective thinning of poorly formed, damaged or diseased trees creates healthy conditions for the remaining tree to reach their full potential.
By cutting the smaller, less vigorous and less than ideally located species the health of the forest organism is prioritized, setting up optimal conditions for trees, animals and understory.
This is me playing/training for being a vital resilient human. A well adapted human. Someone who is in my body and able to maintain stability amidst the changes that are so inevitable in life.
I’m committed to showing up as the healthiest and most alive version of me for myself and my loved ones. That means staying fluid, staying present and balanced while holding myself with integrity.
Slacklining helps with all of this and keeps me grounded in my body. When life gets shaky knowing I can stay centered is a huge asset for staying healthy.
This is what meat look like. These muscles were created by sunlight interacting with wild plants that were then eaten by deer and digested by bacteria before being synthesized into proteins aka muscles.
How many deer get hit by cars after going through their whole lives created muscles from sunlight? I like to intercept or scavenge because it reminds me of my place in life. I am a human, and with come the need to cause death to living things to keep living. I need to eat others’ bodies to nourish myself and continue life. It’s nice when I can glean the excess.
Does eating roadkill make you cringe or get you stoked? I’m always happy to talk about it.
3/3 I made myself and my needs the most important thing on Earth. I took inventory of things that felt nourishing and restorative and let go of everything else.
Here’s some of the things on that list in no particular order. Certainly not exhaustive; intimate and authentic friendships, dancing, travel, family time, mountain biking, crafting, music, playtime, time with children, free unstructured time, abstinence from cannabis, camping, swimming and rest. What’s interesting is that in being radically selfish, I’ve actually been a lot more capable of showing up for others in my life.
I’m sharing this because I know a prior self could have benefited immensely from reading this. And there might be someone reading this now that sees themself in my story. After all, we need each other and often the reflections in others mirror our own inner experiences. We are but manifestation of a divinely orchestrated symphony. We all play our unique parts and are all resonating in the shared human experience. It is hard and messy, but it’s a so much harder and messier if you don’t show the fuck for yourself and get honest. And who says life isn’t messy? So care a whole awful lot about yourself and reach out, be honest and remember that no one does this life thing alone.
2/3 I recall one night, riddled with anxiety and unable to sleep I sat in front of the mirror shaking, crying and sounding. I was crawling out of my skin, it felt so damn uncomfortable. Being alive felt like too much. So I sat and held myself. I hugged myself. In all my mess, in all my feels I bore witness and spoke out loud words of support. I remember saying amidst tears that I wouldn’t ever give up on myself. That I would always be someone I could count on. I didn’t know what that looked like, but in that moment I knew that avoiding was no longer an option. Avoiding through busyness, avoiding through cannabis consumption or avoiding through distraction. I was done with avoiding and ready to enter to take an authentic inventory of my situation.
It was a major growing edge for me to say the least. But as the Dr. Suess quote mentions, I had to care enough to make changes. For me this meant releasing the iron grip I had on my idealism (which in prior years had allowed to continue a vegan diet for years after my body was screaming for animal foods. I’m now fully recovered and happily omnivorous). This meant investigating my values and seeing where they met my animal body needs. Needs like human touch, connection, deep intimate friendship, rest, physical comfort etc.. I had to ask where I was abagnating my own needs in place of ideas of what was right or just or righteous. I had to get selfish and ask myself what I needed most and seek that out. At first I needed to unplug and rest. I needed to be held by my tribe. I needed time and space aways from the suffocating self constructed prison I had put myself in. Unrealistic standards, outdated beliefs and self depreciating self talk be gone!
So I got selfish and made hard choices. I left a long term partnership, I walked away from a dream house I had been building and a land project I had poured my entire life into for more than 7 years. I realized that if I wasn’t in a healthy mental health space, nothing else mattered. So I cared a whole awful lot about that, and made things better for myself.
1/3“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it won’t” Dr. Suess
I awoke at 4am with this inside of me, it needed to be shared, so here goes:
In considering my mental health, I’m struck by how much this has Dr. Suess quote resonated for me. A year ago I was at my rock bottom. I had been struggling with chronic stress overwhelm, anxiety and depression for a while, but I wasn’t really taking an honest inventory of my life and addressing the issues head on. I doubled down on my convictions, denied what my body was telling me, and ignored the subtler messages life was offering me. It took a serious mental health crisis to get my attention. It took my knees swelling with bursitis (a common response to adrenal fatigue which I was suffering from), it took sleepless nights crippled with anxiety, it took essential dread and suicidal ideation for me to get the messages that I needed to make some changes. The experience of my lowest of lows taught me a lot and I can say that a year out from my rock bottom I’m in a better mental health space than ever before in my adult life. So what gave? Everything.
I had to let go of the ideas of myself that I held so tightly. I had to step out a decade long relationship. I had to put my strong willed idealism on hold. I had to break my addiction to work and cannabis. I had to die to the old self to birth a new one. It was painful and difficult and I couldn’t have done it alone. I have my people who showed up for me again and again, and for that I am eternally grateful. Thank you, you know who you are. I am blessed with an incredibly loving and supportive and emotionally intelligent birth family. I have a robust network of chosen family and friends who showed the fuck up. I might not be here if not for them.
It felt really awkward and glitchy to reach out and say “I need help. My head is not a safe place right now. Can you have a conversation with me? Can I have a hug? Can you be there for me, I need you”. I had to reach out, but first I needed to admit I had a problem,love myself enough and be brutally honest and say “self, you’re not OK. Please seek external support”. To be continued...
This past week I humaned so beautifully. A week off work ( lately been diving into remodeling in KC ) afforded the chance to drop into visit vibes.
I didn’t capture most of it in photos. I rarely think to take photos when I’m present with the ones I love but here’s a snapshot.
I attended 2 ecstatic dances and felt held in my fullness of movement, held space for big feels and emotional releases, felt the fullness of gratitude, spent time with many beloved humans in deep presence in a variety of contexts and got to feel the gamut of human emotions. I played, ate, danced, organized, sang, touched, loved and invested in those dear to me.
I laughed, I cried, I grieved, I bathed in hot and cold water and I truly delighted in being alive. I spent intimate moments in the mirror forgiving myself for all the ways I’ve treated myself that were less than unconditionally loving. Gazing into my own eyes and regarding myself with tender loving acceptance. Remembering all the hard things I’ve been through, and that I’ll never give up on myself. I harvested shiitakes I plugged years ago and salvaged deer meat. I spend time in bosom of community.
A year ago I was at rock bottom and I can honestly say I’m in the best mental health of my adult life. Thanks to all those who’ve been there for me, you know who you are 😘
Life is about investing in what we value, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for the authentic relationships I’m a part of that make my life so full and blessed. The most important relationship though is with myself ❤️
How do you show love to yourself?
Of wool and fire and folks a feeling is birthed. An ancient one so familiar yet in the cultural periphery. A felt sense I know to be real and right and wholesome. Like coming home to a new ancient future.
Participating in a collective experience of transforming hides into sheepskins this past weekend was a delight.
@natural_tannery hosted an amazing experience where more than a dozen of us took part in bark tanning and alum tawing sheep and rabbits.
The beauty compounds as my 2 yo nephew and I were playing on the sheepskin this morning.
Brothers in goof. Spent an amazing week with dear friend Zach @ziggitz after a 14 year hiatus! Felt like just yesterday we were getting up to something ridiculous and fun.
Hearts and lives woven together, then on again. Follow the thread home. Once bonded never broken. A brother from another mother.
Zach and I had a week of bonding, fun and laughter. So much laughter and authentic connection. Feeling my heart overflowing. You know when you totally grok someone’s vibe? This is Zach for me.
Thanks for loving, accepting and accentuating the weirder aspects of me Zach!
How I move through landscapes has changed a lot for me over the years. I meet friends and relatives now. Familiarity breeds gratitude and connection. Hiking has me conscious of whose neighborhood I’m walking through. No longer do I go enjoy nature, rather I seek to remember that I am one with the whole.
Deer
Dandelion
Raspberry
Huckleberry
Gooseberry
