Once, a cat that wandered into a yard colored a human life, and that human colored a few lives himself. And that was how an an unknown cat to most came to color the world.
And how my Esthernaut, a longtime & quiet anchor of Chestnut Acres got launched into the next great Mystery voyage.
To the one whom gifted my life a Center, a target toward which to aim my entire soul.
So, here it is, Chestnut.
It’s 10 years, and here I am still writing you this letter.
10 years of life & all that it means to be one without you, a different lifetime it seems in so many ways
(half of me always curses time for this).
You feel farther now.
Like the particulars of you wispy & hints of a reality of a being-with-you.
Then a tang of shame in my smallness to time’s ability to dilute you across the entirety of the Universe.
But you also feel somehow closer.
You are hardly ANYwhere anymore.
You are also EVERYwhere.
You are the moments that stand still, one glorious heartbeat of flooded-ness.
And you are the sobriety of my love, the “hurts-at-the-same-time”-ness that aches in overwhelm.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s still easier when I don’t try & digest your gone-ness.
I still gulp for you,
still (always) the father who cannot tend to his child.
My little Chebbies,
May you be held in the arms of forever.
May forest & field be our journeys together.
May your infinite be nearby.
And may you feel the love of your family always.
Loving you like the first thing I knew how,
Your Guy
A few months of getting to know the Foxes.
@walkingwildrescue
#foxsanctuary #foxrescue #redfoxrescue #grayfoxrescue #arcticfox #furfarmrescue #furfarmsurvivor
Hello. Tomorrow I humbly & put out a new song to the world. More instrumentals, think Hammock, Winged Victory, This Will Destroy You
#indiemusic #neoclassical #postrockmusic
(For Luna)
It’s the innocence in your eyes.
That glint in the top corner when the light’s hitting you just right.
Your innocence flickering back at me,
triggering my helpless urge to help you.
And makes me realize, I still haven’t figured out how say “our time is up”
Haven’t figured out how to say goodbye.
When I’ve let her know that I see her,
She deems this unholy,
taking aim at camouflage,
and I’ve lost Her again.
#NYautumn #westernNYautumn #westernNY #upstateAutumn #upstateNYautumn #chautauquaautumn #chautauquaautumn
New single. Friday, 10/31.
Instrumental in the atmospheric-emotion style of a Hammock or This Will Destroy You.
Took longer than I thought. Always does.
#indiemusician #hammockmusic #thiswilldestroyyou #ambientmusic #postrockmusic #singersongwiter
Almost a decade lived without Chestnut. 9 years ago today, we euthanized our best little friend).
It’s like a mythology now, acknowledging that we once shared life together.
Something unreal, that my arms once knew the feel of you in them instinctively.
A time where I still felt life ahead for us,
and am not worried & grieving as I watch you fade away.
That more-direct, in-the-flesh you,
He lives at the edges now.
Occasionally, and coming less all the time, I bump into you,
breathlessly as I’m startled by the reminder of how vastly you stretched through so much of me.
And the moment is like trying to capture the wind.
Fading like how a poignant moment becomes a memory,
and a how a memory becomes featureless over time,
all the distinct lines having been eroded by the natural decay of the world moving on.
A vague picture of a picture.
Less a note & more a “feel”
A once-ornate doorknob, golden glow and lavish patterns worn down by the neverending hands of time.
You feel almost like an epic novel, where you are now most directly-witnessed through the seeds of seeds and on that have grown, carrying your color onward. You know?
And why couldn’t loving be a more innocent endeavor?
The uncertainty, the helplessness gnaw at the part of me that promised to care for you.
The nudity of my need for you to be okay on display.
Dearest Chebs,
May you be.
May you feel when your many colors upon my life are plucked with the resonance of a harp.
May you be the Hereafter of which I’ve dreamt.
Or, may you just be okay.
Just for yourself
That would be enough.
Chestnut, may you always be the eyes of my heart.
- Your Guy
#petgrief #doggrief #yorkie #petloss
May we see with eyes of our heart,
the acuity of wonder directing our gaze.
#naturalutah #capitolreef #templeofthesun #templeofthemoon #capitolreefnationalpark #redrocks #darksky #usdesert #southwestern #exploreutah #utahatnight #grandwash #capitolreef #utahrocks
When I’m finally small,
I’ll forgive the man who missed so much along the way,
For there’s too much to be missed the self-centering.
When I’m finally small,
Can I forgive Your cruelty?
And how You somehow throw unintentional elbows so noticeably at the blameless?
When I’m finally small,
I guess, maybe, I’ll finally trust.
That everything would never be for nothing.
And, besides, that even the agony had been, at least, a little sweet.
#naturalutah #capitolreef #capitolreefnationalpark #redrocks #darksky #usdesert #southwestern #exploreutah #utahatnight #thebluehour
