A few cool pictures from back in the day, missing Chicago a lot. This is probably my favorite picture of Mom. She’s always smiling in photos, and she’s always smiling outside of photos too, and this is a photo of one of those more common smiles that is somehow harder to capture, because she also has an amazing sense for when the camera is pointed at her (which she loves). I clearly do not love the camera as much, unless a friend is holding it, and even then, I shy away from it, which is funny for a guy who wanted to be an actor. There was a safety in being anything but yourself in front of a camera, or an audience, back then. I think I project my insecurities onto cameras, and what they see, but cameras don’t judge. I’ve got to learn to be more like the camera: to take it all in, baby.
i spent a lot of 2025 trying to make amends and failed in just about every unsexy hideously grotesque humiliating way, tumbling down the five-story walk up stairs that was this past year with all the grace of a slippered dog, or like peter griffin in that one episode, yeah, you know the one
it has been approximately a year since my pre-frontal cortex grew up, and as it turns out, things look very different once that happens, you see things clearly, without projection
of the very many things I have been thinking about this past year, one stands out: people matter. and wow, do I love people!
my mom retired after 37 years of teaching (and survived 3 months before going back part-time), and one of the things i never get sick of hearing are her stories about her students, about the stupid little things she does to brighten their days
for example: one time, she wore whitey tighties outside of her pants for a class and acted as if she didn’t know they were there. there are her rap songs, too, of course.
these stories are very inspiring to me, and she is too, because she isn’t afraid to go first, to play the fool, to do whatever it takes to bring a bit of joy to an angsty 13 year old’s day
i talked to my dad about what it means to be counter culture these days (he was a rude boy hippie CBGB’s P.U.N.K) and we talked about how it was to get offline, to talk to people, to get involved, as my generation grows lonelier and lonelier in our internet bubbles
here’s the fact - when you’re happy, i’m happy. so i’ll do whatever it takes to make you smile, to help you feel like you, to celebrate you, as my own quiet act of rebellion in this very treacherous world. i refuse to live my life in any other way.
so if we haven’t spoken in a while, reach out! i’d like to hear from you, to see your smile, and to celebrate all of what you are.
that goes for you, and you, and you and ESPECIALLY, you too.
(it’s funny how nervous i am posting a video of my face vs these incriminating ass words lol. anyways here’s something ive been editing for the next ppl vid)
this year, for my birthday
i got a new pair of vans (with laces), two deep dish pizzas(thank you mama chen) and a handful of new friends i’ve made in this place i am currently calling home.
i told everyone at the crag that i was grateful for them - i was ready to spend this birthday alone - and how lucky i felt to be sharing it with these people who have been welcoming me in.
and i feel company when i’m alone, too, here in new york. like i’ve got my dad with me, he’s in the accents and the meatball heros and the angry people and the baked ziti and everything else.
re: let it rock - i’ve been climbing to this song on repeat since last june, where in a sleep deprived stupor, near midnight, lily and jhack played it as we began our work on from the top. we danced in the living room and it was pretty fucking awesome.
alright man, here’s the deal: you get what you give, realness is forever, coolness begets coolness, forever is not a scary word. 26 is a dope number. i’m grateful for you.
thank you lovely louis for the sneak peek at the end which i am too excited about not to share!
and as always, these words are for you
i’ve been thinking lots about climbing recently, which means i’ve been thinking lots about jack. there aren’t many people you can say wholeheartedly have changed your life, but he has. we’ve done stupid crazy amazing things together and he has made me a braver, more empathetic and determined man.
the second video is from the day we both sent “the finch” a boulder that we tried on and off for over two years! i’ll never forget how frustrated i was, sick and exhausted, about not being able to do it the first year. how he calmed me down, laid with me on a rock in the sun. we listened to cherry blossoms from the katamari ost, and i was overcome by this incredible feeling that it was going to be okay. that i was small and that the sun loved me regardless.
i’m excited to keep doing awesome things with my best friend jack.
and so i’ve done that thing i’ve been thinking about, irish goodbyed the city that’s taught me so much. it’s feeling good to be in a new place, and to know nobody, and to be excited climbing again, and to have interesting thoughts and pictures and stories in my head again. it is cool to introduce myself to people with a smile, because that’s what rob would do. it’s cool to walk the same streets my dad did 60 years ago. it’s cool to approach new people with sincerity, because that’s what i do. i am looking forward to learning a lot about everything this year.
from the top - link in bio
there are certain phrases that burn themselves into your grey matter - phrases that etch themselves into your skin. you will not know what they mean until many years later, where after four hours, at 4:30 AM, your eyes will blink open - though they were never fully closed - to an encroaching disbelief: you get it now.
you will study these words, flipping them in your mind like a pancake, chasing some intangible way in. you will not find it. until that moment comes, in that magic hour, you will not, could not understand.
and slowly, in every buzzing hope, it reveals itself, like that look you can’t hide. you will recognize that these words have been said - they denote time, they mark a moment. that moment has passed. you would like to go back. so you will hold on to those words, make them your present, and dream.
these words are for you
okay, people
it turns out it’s harder, getting rid of that sticky melancholy that comes after you shoot a film, when you shot it in your home. i’ve put the furniture back, and the walls are quiet, but i still hear david dhruv and ethan laughing behind me, and i still see misha and drew smiling in the corner. fiona has put her heart in my hands and given me permission to guide it. i better not fuck this up. chris alex and chrissie have made my house a lovely mess - i’m stepping on something, always. marco and brendan hear everything. there is a bird in my house and he has pooped on my blanket. bird poop doesn’t smell.
it rained last night, and the dew this morning felt nice - it felt fresh, like some great storm had passed and paved the way for newer, wetter things: tears that came like a great gust of wind, that brought me to my knees, and was in a moment, gone
the film means less than the people i made it with, who put their trust in me, and trust i do not take for granted
the tears came when i realized a few things - first, that i think we’re getting better at this, that i want to do this, but more importantly: that for the first time in a while, i feel like myself again
you can do a lot in four days if you get to work. and the work is easy when you trust the people around you
ethan, my darling, thank you for it all. there is a reason i ask you what you think - i want to listen, to learn, and to share this journey with you. our love is forever, cowboy. see you in five years.
i didn’t take many of the pictures here, so thanks to those who did that for me. i swear i’d give the whole thing up for you.
when i was 12, i was really quite lost. at that time, little big planet 2 had just gotten released, and it was my favorite game ever. i met a girl online, playing the game, and fell in love with her, because she was a girl that played little big planet 2, and that was enough. i was marked truant for skipping school so much to spend time with her (she was homeschooled), and we had some if the best times ever, but i never told her how i felt!
this year, i rebooted up the game, visited my favorite levels and put on my favorite costumes. man, this game is good. i don’t know how my very first e-crush is doing, but i hope she’s doing alright. in 2024, lets all fall in love with something, or someone, in person, online, or wherever else.
when i tell other people about you, it puts a lot of things in perspective. i’m fortunate to have kept you since i was 13. i met one of you, paul, when i was 11. we’ve been nurturing our little community for 10 years. let’s put that into perspective -
for 10 years, i have spent most evenings with you - 5 hours a night, after school or work. almost 20,000 hours! i will always come back for more. it isn’t possible to put into words how much i love you, and what you mean to me. or how much meaning the silly name “salad squad”, which i came up with when i was 15 playing dota 2, means to me. i think, for most people, that feeling is only associated with the word “home”.
after 20,000 hours online, a certain familiarity is developed. and so it filled my heart to the brim, for after 10 years, to finally have all of us back together, in person, in one van, too close for comfort and too excited to sleep.
at dinner in burlington we all went around and said a few words - i think alex put it really well.
“alex, what do you want to say?”
“10 more years.”
