This week, I put together the first draft of a new, shorter manuscript. Confessions is a cycle of experimental essays about language, translation, otherness, memory, longing, and self-fashioning. It's about failing to love, to heal, and to even begin to speak, but also why we try and try again.
Two quick asks:
1. I think I'll pass along this early manuscript to a few people to read. If you're interested, holler in the comments, DMs, or stories!
It's not so much for granular feedback because I'm fairly confident about what this manuscript is, but there are some big-picture things I think could benefit from different perspectives!
(I also won't send it to too many people so forgive me if I have to turn anyone down!)
2. I constantly feel that I could do an event with my current work, whether it's this or the "poetry" stuff or other things. Let me know if there's any interest! It could motivate me to organise.
"I'd like to begin here, with you."
This past Monday, I began writing Senselessness anew. The smallest of starts. Yet, there's certainty about this moment. After wandering for a long time trying to make it cohere, I think I've finally unearthed this essay.
Senselessness is about calamity and violence. Laments and lacunae. Monsters and monstrousness.
But it's also about finding poetry, finding a pulse in the shadows.
It is about truth and seeing.
It is about love.
All of my Paris dreams came true.
I saw so many of my heroes, encountered so much that was thrilling and enchanting, and was also so welcomed by friends.
Paris was a lot about reflecting on and reconnecting with the paths I've tread, but in the same measure it was also about finding inspiration, conviction, and joy, much needed in these dark and violent times, to know the way forwards as the art becomes urgent and exacting, to rediscover ways in which to speak, to know just how I want to be.
In the process I fell in love with this city. I don't know when I'll be back, but I hope it's soon. 🤍
Tenderly, Tenderly turns two today.
I've often described Tenderly as a book about time, friendship, the body, love, and the fractures of masculinity. I've told the story often, but I guess it bears repeating. Tenderly was written in a fever at a very unhappy and especially dark time in my life.
It is still, I think, the book that connects most readily to people. I think part of it is its themes, but another part of it is the voice. In a way it is a lot like the work of one of the poets in my constellation, Catullus, sometimes biting, sometimes acrid, it performs a very particular vulnerability. I think Tenderly has resonated with people so much because it comes from a very real place. These things were keenly suffered, deeply thought-out, too intensely considered.
Very early on, I was asked by someone if I wanted to consider changing the title because it did not seem to reflect the contents of the book. Less about the demonstration of tenderness, it was about the failure to find it. I stuck with the title because I knew that was precisely where I wanted the book to land. It is easy to preach the values of gentleness and slowness, but also too easy to overlook the costs and difficulty of finding tenderness.
Two years on, I continue to be amazed by the people that Tenderly reaches. Two years on, I am also close to completing a spiritual sequel to this book. This new manuscript inhabits the same sort of territory, but perhaps is also a way of closing a chapter in my life. Two years on, I've changed as well, perhaps finally coming to a fuller understanding of true tenderness.
Happy birthday, Tenderly, Tenderly. Here's to all of us finding the elusive embrace of joy, the flows and currents of transformation, and the strength and courage it takes to love ourselves and those around us.
(Tenderly, Tenderly is published by @atomicbohemian and has cover art by @maddisoncolvin .)
Presenting an aspirational plan for Anomalous Materials. Still refining, still expanding, but representative and in some ways ideal. Returning from my Europe trip, I'm still organising all my thoughts and ideas. It's been so fruitful. But this structure for the Press has been slowly taking shape, and I wanted to plant it as a bit of a marker.
We want to do one main project a year for the next three years, things that don't want to stay too well-defined, things that bring craft and care, thought and thoughtfulness, humour and heart to the table. Things that like being weird.
These could be artist's books or zines, or proper ISBN books, or much, much stranger things. We trust the ideas and imagine.
We want to do two series, one of which will see an open call. Small and powerful, punching above their weight. News on these soon.
We want to do unexpected events. Collaborations and cross-pollinations. Conversations. Embodiments. Fadings. Disappearances.
We want to create a singular library. Grow it slowly over time. A constellation of thought, ideas, subjectivities. People.
For now, we're slowly putting together the pieces. I've been been carefully seeking out the right people for this. I've been collecting my thoughts and ideas. And each day, a bit more clarity, a bit more certainty. Still much to learn and many to talk to.
But here, at least, a map.
London! Honestly, the perfect bookend. This whole trip has been a dream, filled with inspiration, friendship, joy, and love; ideas being connected, thoughts forming; new paths to walk, new rivers to swim in.
I think I really figured out how to write my book Senselessness. I'm also working on a completely new manuscript now. It was very fertile ground for so many creative ideas I've been half-carrying for too long. In this same atmosphere, @anomalousmaterialspress is slowly taking shape as well. It's going to be a busy year, but in all the best ways.
Yet above all, I think it was just the people that made it all.
I spent a lot of my trip feeling very lucky, with so many things falling into place, and very little going wrong. But I think I also feel lucky in a broader sense. To know and meet so many brilliant and kind souls. To actually meet my heroes and not be disappointed. To be met with such generosity and warmth. I never think I deserve any of it, but I'm grateful for it all.
I sometimes think that journeys like these are like mana for me, and this probably sets me up for the year. There are battles we must fight and fires we must start. Hearts to mend, minds to change. And I feel ready.
Wales is beautiful. To be among mountains and castles and trees (and sheep!), to hear such a wonderful, flowing language, it's a true joy. I feel so fortunate.
It was also important, I think, for me to slow down and take things in. In some ways, this trip always felt like it was meant to happen. Coming to the home of publisher @atomicbohemian felt like a homecoming in itself. Yet, I always feel surprised and grateful for the twists of fate that have allowed connections such as these to be.
I was welcomed by friends, and perhaps another literary family.
And who knew I would be reading Tenderly, Tenderly in what is basically its birthplace?
I guess the simplest way of saying it is, I feel very lucky!
(Onwards to London!)
If Paris was about dreams coming true, Scotland was about thoughts coming to life again. I had time to breathe, had time to think, started to see the patterns emerge from the various pieces I've been collecting in my head, started to get excited about creative work again.
Meeting old friends and making new ones really helped to ground this leg of the trip. The weather was quite cold and rather bitter, but amid high winds and some rain, a light shone.
I felt like I had had too little time. I've yet to see the Highlands. I've barely seen anything of Glasgow. I feel like I've only just begun to understand Edinburgh even the littlest bit. But I think I like it this way. It just makes me more certain that I'll be back.
The trip's just over halfway done by this point. I'm very excited to carry this energy into Bangor, and I'm sure that London, much like Paris, will be a flurry again. And with luck, many good new things will be take root!
Hello! A wordy post saying a bit more about Anomalous Materials Press. I hope this gives a bit of a clearer idea of what we want to do, even at this nascent stage!
TLDR//
I'm slowly looking for about three main projects to publish over the next 3-4 years. We're looking for strange things!
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Be weird, be wild.
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There'll also likely be a series of small publications, probably partly by invitation, partly open call, maybe for 2027?
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We also want to do fun weird things like experimental events
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Money is a hurdle, but we might be able to do some fundraising in a fun way.
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Send your ideas and pitches!
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Time are violent and sad; make art.
The next update will likely come from our European sojourn. Stay tuned.
May a smile be your umbrella. ☂️
"What is literature? How to literature? Am I literature?" 😵
Documentary evidence of me spending most of this past weekend just staring in confusion at almost-blank pages, trying to figure out how to write anything. This is why I take so long to get anything done. It's also why I've been vehemently denying allegations that I am a writer. 💀
My tiny European sojourn begins in exactly 2 weeks! If you want to hang out, let's make plans! 🙌
I've confirmed a little Glasgow day trip, so that's now on the list! Alas, I don't think I'll be able to make it to Cambridge. But please try to catch Singapore's most mediocre writer if you can.
I'm excited about many things: seeing new friends and old, people I love and people I will; many inspirations and joyous experiences; many fun conversations; much eating and drinking; visiting some heroes of mine; buying too many Jellycats; and a valuable fallow period.
Creatively, I feel sure Senselessness will bloom in this time. I will also explore a plotline for Anti Love Poetry, get the Failure Machines anthology moving, learn more for my prospective publishing imprint @anomalousmaterialspress , and perhaps unearth unexpected collaborations?
Immensely excited. Allons-y! 🤘
While collecting many rejections, some things I've been up to lately, in images:
1. Sequenced "marginalia" manuscript, now with two trusted friends before submissions. Background is the Soochow planisphere, or 天文圖, a related image which I've always wanted to incorporate into my work. Probably not this project, but something else soon.
2. My writing has shifted towards these expansive modes lately: cosmology, disaster, ecology, singularities, science, history, fate. (Inset is Orb.)
3. "Senselessness" reflects this most directly. I'm returning to work on it now that most other stuff is done. Informed by a lot of prog rock, psychedelic music, and heavy metal.
4. How does one live as the world burns? How does one make sense in an age of eruptions? (Inset is The Atomic Cafe.)
5. Will also start on "Anti-Love Poetry", a more personal, literary fantasy about language and otherness. Much excellent reading in this time, including work by Mizumura Minae.
6. Also been dreaming up plans for my prospective publishing imprint @anomalousmaterialspress . Follow along if you'd like, please. Cortázar is another guiding light. I might see his grave again in Europe.
7. My upcoming Europe trip brings together all these creative threads. Speaking of which, been scheming possible collabs too. Hit me up! (Background is the RE4 Remake, which I've been revisiting lately. Shine forward!)
8. Looking forward to seeing everyone on my upcoming Europe trip! 🤍 Please buzz me if you'd like to meet.
9. Been watching The X-Files again, partly out of nostalgia, partly out of game prep. Surprisingly great many times, surprisingly awful sometimes.
10. Speaking of game prep, we will play tabletop games again soon. Interested parties please holler! Will be doing board games and roleplaying games, and some interesting things in between.
11. Annually, I take a CNY walk. An important reset. Haven't managed to get to the photos yet. Feel generally in a position to begin making things again.
12. Carving space. Growing hope. Holding love. "Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind." 🐼
