did i finish the marathon? did i prove to myself that mental fortitude can triumph over any lack of physical preparation? unfortunately, no. but i learned many lessons on this birthday adventure.
i spent most of my early 20’s staring at my computer watching days, weeks, and months fade from my grasp. when i turned 24, i decided to stop sitting idle. i made a simple rule to live by — everything, always, yes.
this rule brought me mountains of chaos, but simultaneously oceans of love, joy, self-discovery, and self-growth. most importantly, it brought me to places that i never thought i’d be, and to people that i never thought i’d share memories with. driving by that lake i’ve passed 1000 times but never stopped to dive into? everything, always, yes. gazing at that peak i’ve envisioned from the top 1000 times but never bothered to climb? everything, always, yes.
sometimes my detours and side quests are dangerous, sporadic, and likely irresponsible, but the notion of time slipping away from you becomes completely irrelevant when you choose to live by the principle of everything, always, yes.
#marathon #roadtrip #trailrunner #birthday #moab #breathe #canyon #badchoices #parks #danger #utah #everything #always #yes
after skydiving for an energy boost before my first attempt at running, a thunderstorm destroyed this otherwise perfect arc in my lore. it dawned on me that i would now have to defer the run until the next day, carboloading for a second night in a row. chunky but excited,
i approached the trailhead the next
morning, ready to conquer an unassisted, unsanctioned, and frankly unwise trail marathon in Arches National Park at the Devil’s Garden. like a mosquito at a nudist beach, i was overstimulated, but ready for battle.
#marathon #roadtrip #trailrunner #birthday #moab #breathe #canyon #climbing #danger #parks #badchoices
it was 5AM on the morning of my birthday. i couldn’t sleep. i was wide awake texting my sister. she was in the middle of her spirit quest in spain. i was coming off of a spirit quest of my own — three months of artistic creative explosions, but simultaneous physical implosion (so, three months of chain smoking and neglecting any workouts).
it suddenly dawned on me that one of my biggest goals for the year, to run an ultra marathon at lake garibaldi, was never going to happen. lack of time for training, and a lack of time before winter hit british columbia. in spite of the fact that i had my biggest year of personal growth to date, it felt as though i had let myself down.
i decided that i needed to do something drastic to test my mind and spirit. i needed a spark to start this 27th year of life. i knew it was a bit insane, likely unhealthy; but over the last few years, i’ve started to crave the purity and presence that comes with spontaneous (and sometimes delusional) adventure.
i packed my gear and set my sights on The Devil’s Garden in Arches National Park. it was time to run a solo desert marathon. #hiking #nature #canyon #marathon #trailrunner #skydive #moab #archesnationalpark #stars #constellations #roadtrip #birthday #breathe
i’ve been reflecting on my ‘year 26’ journeys tonight, my birthday’s eve. perhaps selfishly, i keep finding that the most exciting of those journeys is self growth. at 26, i was blessed with relationships that gifted me something i’d lost for some time: vision. through all the twists life took, and goals that became victims of circumstance, i lost the ability to close my eyes and see what my dreams looked like. because of that, many never manifested — they stayed tucked away in a repository of derealization. losing the ability to have these visions was, itself, a lesson. maybe i used to take them for granted. but the darkness of lost vision was a necessity. it taught me desire, resilience, and recovery. it also taught me that people can die long before they are dead; when vision fades, so too does spirit. true vision and spirit can be corrupted by ego and fantasy... when those two pillars disappear, we succumb to vices: infidelity, addiction, complacency — and for some, like me — the feeling that life is too painful to keep living. i’ve had very intimate relationships with all these vices. i’ve also seen them take beautiful souls to the grave. what i’ve never understood is why, at our highest and purest moments, those vices seduce us into turning the stone foundations of our castles to glass. everything firm becomes fragile. your spirit gets lost. you make choices that could end in your last breath and call them the “unburdening” of loved ones. recently, i’ve had friends — some distant, some dear — spiral into darkness and vices; their pain began to bleed into my own life. i wrote this song, “fear and loathing,” hoping to give them words that might inspire vision and survival. yesterday i took my crusty guitar skills to the chilly foothills to record the demo. writing it helped me see that vision is a phoenix — it rises, but its flames must be fed. for years i buried the vision of making an album. as i’m finally building it and see the path forward, i’m excited to share seeds of that exploration. if you come across this tune and you’re struggling, remember: there’s always sunlight after rain (unless you’re from seattle - then it’s just wet & sad).
