March
I always try to convince myself that March is going to be full on Spring and every year it’s like a smack down to the reality that you can’t rush the beginning of something new. It’s always a slow and steady rebirth.
This year was the same. While every New Yorker was bleary eyed and pasty waiting to take their layers off the news was heavy with Iran, more mass casualties, bigger global energy concerns, and the impending boom-bust-or societal collapse of all things AI. It was a prolonged winter of heaviness yet again.
But this year was new for me. March was, as it always is, too cold and grey. However, this year I woke up to new life every single day. A new smile, a new laugh, a new HUMAN! Her overwhelming joy is so contagious and all consuming it’s tough to look away.
You see it in the faces of others everywhere we go; they know she still has the secret we have all forgot. For now I can’t really do anything about Iran or if my industry will exist next year but I can do my absolute best to protect her joy for as long as humanely possible. I don’t know why I get to have this role, but I am so grateful I do. She is making me believe I can remember my own inherent joy, If I can look past the bullshit of what’s out of my control and focus on what is right in front of me. New and slow rebirth is always happening around us.
February
We spent a lot of time with family this month, snuggled in our little brooklyn commune. Waiting out flu season and back to back blizzards. I was grateful for the extra serotonin because the winter of 2026 was not for the faint of heart.
One of the things I wasn’t really prepared for in newborn life is how much time I had to sit around thinking about the future. I expected to be sleepless and maybe a bit overwhelmed but the internal math I was running daily was crazy.
“-Okay, so 40+20…I’ll be 60 and my mom will be 84. 40+40… I’ll be 80 and my mom will be 104. Damn, that feels uncomfortable.
But when my mom was 40 I was 16 and my brother just had his first child… so she was a grandma at 40. That was kinda crazy too…How old will I be when she goes to middle school? How about when she moves away from home? Will I be able to keep up with her as she moves through her big milestones? 40+forever?”
The last decade I spent a good chunk of my time running these kinda calculations. “If I have a child at 33 wouldn’t that be just right? I could have another maybe? I could still feel young.” Then 35 rolled around. “Okay, 37 that’s still good. If not at 37 then maybe it’s just not ment for you.” I was constantly feeling like time was slipping by and I was missing some deep call. The disconnect of what I was doing and what I wanted was wrecking me and brought a lot of suffering that basically didn’t serve me in the slightest.
Now knowing that if it wasn’t this EXACT timeline it wouldn’t have been her…well it feels impossible to consider! It was obviously always suppose to be her. She is so clearly exactly who I was intended to share this experience.
So I keep reminding myself to relax on the calculations. Everything is unfolding in the way that is best for me and her. I just have to surrender, and remember that time
is best spent living not thinking about it passing.
Now to remind myself of that at 3am next tuesday when I run the weekly figures.
January
Slow motion mornings and “normal life” beginning again. Dad went back to work and I started solo mothering for the first time.
I don’t like sitting still. As far back as I can remember staying busy is where I found my worth and helped keep mr.anxiety a few paces behind.
I found out quickly that was not going to fly for her. She didn’t need me folding laundry, calling the bank, doing the dishes, or making another list…as a matter of fact that really irritated her. She wanted me to be still. Maybe just a little slow motion rocking while she grazed. I was rewarded with the first smiles she graced this world with.
I knew she would be one of my greatest teachers in life and instantly she smacked me with my own worth in stillness. A challenge that I don’t really know I would have truly faced in many other ways.
I already regret not being slower, she doesn’t want to snuggle quite as long and I know in just a little while stillness will be totally out of the picture.
Thank you for making me sit still little lady.
4th trimester haze lifting and reflecting on our first few weeks.
Everyone calls it a bubble and that’s because it has to pop. If you want a lesson in impermanence take a walk down newborn lane.
Man that was cool, so grateful to have taken this trip. ❤️
