The ancient Egyptians believed that when a person or beloved pet died, that they died twice. First in their physical form. And second in the spiritual form when their name was longer said. Learning this in the past few days has given me comfort in so much grief.
Grief. It’s been so much a part of my life recently that it’s become normalized where I just push forward, filling my life with distractions like ambition, work, non-profit boards, chasing the next thing—that my tank is officially empty.
The past 6 months have just been endless grief. I don’t have many words right now for the grief of 2 men in my life—one lost and the anticipatory grief of one still fighting. What’s also broken me during this cycle has been the loss of Paco just several days ago. That dog was my everything, my constant, my joy. I won’t ever have a human child and that dog was my child. Loyal, loving, filled with joy, climbing three 14ers (things most humans haven’t done), and touching so many friends and family. He even sparked a line of communication between me and my parents after I came out many years ago because the one equalizer was him- his cuteness, his quirkiness, his pure love. And my mom couldn’t withstand his cuteness, my gayness aside. We are just heartbroken 💔.
I don’t share many private parts of my life here. I leave it for professional milestones or the occasional update. And I won’t ever be one to share the daily mundane of what I ate for breakfast, to how many miles I ran on a random Tuesday. But I share this because I’ve been quiet and I know a lot of you also experience grief and you’re not alone.
So I hope this explains the unanswered texts, the missed calls, the lack of an urgency everyone is used to me giving them. An email pitch- answered in less than a day. A launch? Let’s get out those 80 pitches before 5pm. Need me to hop on a call in 2 minutes? Yep, I’ll be there. But I’ve realized in this grief I’ve lacked giving that sense of urgency to myself. To grieve, to sit with myself, to not distract myself with the bullshit of ego and circumstance. A quick 3 day escape to my favorite place helped ground me for what’s next. Baja es siempre mágico 🇲🇽 💛
My first day of my 43rd was spent around one of the cities I love most…Chicago. I reflected on my 42nd year and the constant grief cycle that seemed to never end. But today I accepted my grief as a testament to the ones I loved so much. It’s a symbol of how much we loved one another or else the grief would not be there. I now see grief as a gift rather than a burden. A gift of remembrance, and love.
Today was a perfect day starting with a good run with Brett, great art, some shopping, and amazing food that Chicago always delivers with. 43 is what I can manifest will be a better year than 42.
Thanks for reading and all the messages today.
Xx
M 💛
Feb ➡️ March ➡️ April: new pup (his name is Taz and he’s a 5 pound handful), 16 months without alcohol & have my physical and mental health back while staying the fittest I’ve been in years, Aspen with the kiddos, NYC, Boston, London, Brett crushing marathons. Been busy! 💛 xx
New bike day and pure speed 💨. Been waiting for this stealth 🖤for a bit. Big thanks 🙏🏽 to the @cervelo@sailor_terror for always taking care of me and this machine that is my new S5. It’s going to be a good race season.
🚲 @cervelo S5
🛞 Reserve 57|64TA carbon wheelset | DT Swiss 180 hubs
⚙️ @shimanoroad Dura-Ace Di2, BB Ceramic Speed SL, 50/37T | 10-33T
Happy birthday to my favorite person, my #1, my best friend. Couldn’t do life (or adventure) without you, Brett. Still chasing you up and down these hills. Xx 💛
@chevronhoustonmarathon Half was amazing. Loved the course & the weather was perfection. Got somewhat close to that sub 1:30 goal but also nearly matched my PR 10 years ago when I was a young buck. What a year of focus on mental and physical health after years of injury and depression, no drinking, and taking care of yourself gives you. Thank you to @houstonharriers for hosting the kick off this weekend with @nell_rojas_running (and my girl @emiliambenton ), the homie @schroy for the last words of encouragement before takeoff, @eric.ryan91 & @kimberlysryan for cheering on course with Brett 🙏, and thank you to @caitalexander@kinesisintegrated for bringing me back. I’ll be back next year Houston and I’ll see you at sub-90. 💛🚀
A year ago today this little bugger on the left left us. I’ve never connected with another human or dog beyond Brett like I did with Paco for nearly 16 years of his life. We’re so lucky to have found him and I miss and think of him every single day. When I look at the state of the world today, I know dogs are light years ahead of humans with emotional intelligence and mindfulness.
Right before he passed we did an @embarkvet DNA and age test just to see how old he exactly was. When we adopted him the shelter told us he was about 1. In reality, he was nearly 3.5-4 years old then. Paco lived to be almost 20 which is literally unheard of. Gave me so much peace to know he lived so long because of the life we gave him and how happy he perpetually was 💛.
11 years ago I married the guy with the best smile I’ve ever seen. 11 years later, that day never gets old. 11 years later, Brett still isn’t on IG and that’s what I love about him. Happy anniversary amorcito. I’ll find any excuse to share how much I love this amazing fella.
And 11 years later we have our amazing @casarae to thank for making that day so special. 💛
Dirt is fun. So we decided to jump right into it. So did my calves thanks to @allenkrughoff . The new @tracksmithrunning Overland Collection and Eliot Range shoe has entered the chat. Had an amazing time testing the collection and playing in the mountains two weeks ago with some friends. More next week with @erin.k.bailey@gracieissel@momentum.management . Huge congrats to our amazing creative team @peter.francia@allison__strang for nailing this campaign. And our product team for designing this collection with so much intention and detail to design. Let’s hit some New England trails, ya? 🌲
Summer Fridays. I’ve been wanting to run up and down Quandary since forever. Fitness is back so it was the right time. Epic day. 3,400+ feet of vert. 3:23 RT up to 14,271 ft. No wind on the summit. Saw some goats and marmots. Nothing better than being with Brett chasing one another in the mountains. 🏔️
