Libellule

My mission has become to love myself inconditionnally. It is a very beautiful journey, learning to love myself with everything that I like about me and everything I’d rather change. I realized that there’s no change needed when there’s acceptance and love for every color and every shade in me. Loving myself has prooved itself to be the key to my true happiness and unlocking the abundance of my Life.

I believe it is much more simple to make that decision to love yourself no matter what than to start making a list about everything you still need to change about yourself to be worthy of Love. Not only does that sound like hard work and a long process, but you’re cultivating conditional Love for yourself. …when I do this, I’ll be loved. …when I suceed that, I’ll love myself. If you’re reading me and you can relate, Love, make a decision and choose Love today. Love. With a capital L. Because that’s all it’s really about. Isn’t it? It’s important to answer that question honestly.

Is there anything about me that I consider unlovable? Would I be more lovable if certain aspects of *me* weren’t present in me? I had to challenge my answers and change my focus. How can I love that about me? How can I love this thing in me that I consider so unlovable, unworthy of love? I started to cultivate love for the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. It doesn’t have to make sense, that’s for the logical mind. I just need to feel, that’s for the heart. And it feels good. Light and joyful. The inner work is worth it.

Moi. Je souffre quand je t’écoute au détriment de Moi.   Quand je m’écoute et que j’ai l’impression d’aller à contre courant, comme tu me le fais souvent sentir, c’est que je suis probablement sur la bonne voie.   Un avion décolle contre le vent, rappelle-toi.   Je ne peux cesser de m’écouter pour t’accommoder. Tu ne le savais sans doute pas, mais mon monde commence et se termine avec moi.   De la pratique dans l’écoute de mon corps et de mes besoins, ce n’est pas ce qu’il me manque. Mon intuition me protège de toi et de tes intentions qui ne me sont jamais avantageuses. Je m’écoute et je ne souffre point de ton absence. Ni même de ton existence. Tout de même je ne reste pas à l’abri de la déception et d’un sentiment de tristesse face au deuil de ce qui aurait pu être... ou dans ce cas, paraître!   Tout est impermanent. Toi, moi et même ce sentiment. Après tout je m’ai moi. Mes rêves, mes projets et moi. Voilà à quoi je consacre temps et espace. Et toi? Au son de ton nom, tu n’es déjà plus qu’un souvenir lointain. Une impasse. Je suis sur le chemin de mon destin. Loin de toi. Si tu me perçois, baisse la tête. Je ne suis pas à toi. Surtout ne m’importune pas. C’est simple, tu n’as rien pour moi et je n’ai rien pour toi. Je ne suis pas un défi et je ne suis pas un passe temps. Donc ne me défie pas, car je te promets, tu perdras ton pari, car mon choix est fait. Mon choix c’est Moi. Mon choix sera toujours Moi. 🖤

Everything down here is so heavily controlled by men, that I find true comfort in the sound of thunder. It’s raw and it’s the realest thing. Men haven’t mastered the skies. We like to fool ourselves into thinking that we do, showing off with airplanes, spaceships or satellites, but the reality is that we don’t master the sky. Thunder is the most beautiful sound reminding me just that. As a species, I think that we humans are the most dangerous self destructive kind. And we’re endangered, we’re dying. Maybe it’s the best thing that could happen to Planet Earth. What if, like many organisms out there, Earth has a self healing syndrome or a survival trait? I’d like to imagine it has kicked in. She may be self-medicating, trying to save herself. Exterminating the bacteria that is making her sick & trying to kill her. Pandemics, earthquakes, wildfires, hurricanes, global-f*ckin’-warming, … you name it. And boy, isn’t she smart? She even has us killing each other. ..Wars?? Close your eyes. Now, try to picture humanity as a plant. Can you? How well are we doing? Is it a strong, beautiful, healthy, happy plant with many different shades of colors? Or is it a dying plant in need of saving? Does it need water? sunlight? fresh soil? Or is it too late? How are the roots? Does it need love? Do we need love? Isn’t Love found in all of us? I don’t know. I guess all I can do is sit here on my balcony on a summer night, thinking of ways to love myself a little bit better each day & heal myself, listening to the comforting sound of thunder, inhaling earth’s unique scent in the rain.. Letting her seduce me. Letting her remind me who’s boss. #writing #earth #selflove #environment #healing #planetearth #love #reflection #nightthoughts #healtheworld #healyourself

I wish I was more confident.. to be out here & go for my dreams and biggest desires, because I know I have it all in me. But I have a habit of procrastinating and many unrealistic fears that slow me down. Which is very frustrating when you have so many dreams as I have. Like so many, I grew up collecting trauma after trauma. It makes me sad sometimes to try to remember my childhood and not come up with happy memories. It’s not a great place to revisit. Very early I developed a habit of imagining a better life for myself. A whole life I’d create in my mind & live in it. Starting with a beautiful name for myself, like Jasmine or Jessica. Beautiful, thin, light skinned, straight haired girl.. with many friends. I’d spend a lot of time daydreaming in school, in the woods by the river or at home. It gave me glimpses of happiness that my real life couldn’t provide. Growing up of course, that habit of sitting in imagination and evolving only in my dreams proved itself to be a real obstacle. I never tried for more, more for myself or more from life. I think that’s where my procrastination habit stems from. All I ever worked for, was for the comfort of a safe home and a good paying job. Even my relationships with men suffered a great deal from it. Because no man alive could ever live up to the man in my dreams. (Lol) This isn’t a sad story. I wouldn’t be able to put this all down & share it, if I wasn’t in the process of getting to know myself and accept myself. My true beautiful self & the unbelievable lengths my neurodivergent brain went to protect me from reality & keep me safe. Healing from that takes time, patience & a lot of support. I’m blessed with a great support system, an amazing therapist, a gifted energetic healer & the kindest creative holistic coach to help me through it all. Yes, I am comitted & I am my most important project ♥️🦋 Amazing techniques I can recommend for trauma healing: EMDR and EFT. Today I’m going for my dreams, 1 by 1. I’m learning to love myself. Accept myself. Love & accept my story. And you know what? It is all okay☺️ #traumahealing #adhdwomen #blackwomanmagic #selfacceptance #selflove #gratitude #vulnerablility

Naked Is seeing in me the things I’ve been taught to hide. The things that have been used against me to make me feel uncomfortable, to make me change. To make me more like you. These parts of me have been taken away from me, without my permission. Stolen from me before I could learn to love them, cherish them. Today, I’m naked. Accepting although I’ve been taught to deny. Today, I’m emancipating myself from limiting beliefs today’s beauty standards have towards me. Now it’s my time. Now I’m taking my body back. My beautiful round dark brown body, that has kept me safe and alive all these years. Vessel of my soul. Vessel that I have chosen to travel this lifetime in. My thick thighs have carried me through all the hardships and joyful moments I have chosen to experience in this lifetime. My hair is the crown I wear even on the most difficult days. My voice, you’re my most beautiful expression of love. My skin, oh my beautiful skin.. you’re the one they fear the most, you’re my inspiration, you’re my motivation, you I love the most. I love all of you. #writing #selflove #selfacceptance

L’ombre   L’ombre semble être mon éternelle compagne qui me rappelle que la vie est injuste. L’ombre ne me quitte jamais et quand je suis heureuse, elle me guète comme une espionne en buvant du café noir sur la terrasse du coin. Je crains d’exprimer trop de joie, trop de bonheur, car ça l’agaçe et la rend impatiente. L’ombre me juge, elle me culpabilise, elle me critique en silence mais je l’entends tel un sifflement doux au loin. Je me sens observée tout le temps, je ne suis pas libre. Elle m’observe. Même quand je suis seule je dois être au taquet, je dois assurer, je dois être au top pour éviter qu’elle ne se rapproche. L’ombre se rapproche de moi au moindre faux pas que je fais, quand je fais face à des situations plus difficiles et surtout quand je vis une injustice, son sifflement devient plus fort, tel un souffle d’évidence : « Mais tu le sais ! La vie est injuste. », « Pourquoi tu t’entêtes à essayer d’être heureuse ? C’est inutile. », « Le bonheur c’est pour les autres. Pas pour toi. », « De toute façon tu es seule, personne ne viendra et tu le sais. » L’ombre se rapproche de moi de plus en plus, son souffle devient plus audible, un écho répétitif qui assombrira et éteindra tout autour de moi… jusqu’à me confiner seule chez moi dans l’obscurité, avec plus qu’elle comme présence. Elle m’empêche de me lever, de voir les issues de secours, tout est devenu noir et personne ne viendra. L’ombre était déjà là, quand j’étais enfant et qu’on me faisait du mal. Elle me soufflait doucement à l’oreille : « Personne ne viendra ». L’ombre. Prédatrice clandestine de mon existence qui n’attend que de m’emprisonner au bon moment, au bon endroit et de m’éteindre une fois pour toute. Mon seul espoir c’est la lumière qui sait me rendre invisible à l’ombre. La lumière réside dans l’eau. La lumière réside dans la mélodie et dans les rires. La lumière réside dans la nature et dans un beau paysage. La lumière réside également dans ma méditation, en moi. Elle réside même entre ces lignes. Mais la lumière ne sait exister sans ombre. Elle n’est jamais très loin… installée confortablement sur la terrasse du coin. #writing #depression

Last year, I started a job in the social environment. I had to unlearn everything I knew to learn everything from scratch. This new job involved many social cases, with files, tasks and deadlines and as a natural overachiever, I tried to invest myself 200 % in it. It took me a while to realize that at this new job, that only meant more cases, with more files, more tasks, and more deadlines. I started to crumble 3 months in. I felt overwhelmed with the piled-up files on my desk, I was drowning behind them and on top of that, I was emotionally involved in all my cases, feeling with the people, drowning deeper. I’d get home feeling guilty and depressed, not wanting to speak to anyone. My sleep was disturbed, I’d wake up in the middle of the night to unclench my jaw because the pressure had become painful and, in the morning, I’d wake up feeling a deep sadness, that this was what my life had become. But I had to function, so I tried to distract myself and have fun. Festivals, yoga retreats, concerts... But work had become a source of anxiety and I was too scared to mention it to anybody. The fear of not having my trial period extended had me put on a smile at work and power through. Outside of work, I lied to everyone about how I was really doing. The shame I felt for potentially having chosen the wrong path, isolated me for a while. Things got worse once my apartment was ready. I now had to deal with invoices, packing, unpacking and eventually… a breakup. Needless to say that I fell apart that summer. Mentally I felt numb, confused, conflicted. I had expected myself to be happy, so much so that I pretended to be, but at the end of the day when everyone was gone, things got kind of dark and lonely. Nothing provided me pleasure anymore; I was unable to feel. And the morning sadness had become so omnipresent, that some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Beginning of September, I got a mail from the Dhamma Center in Belgium, confirming that I was off the waiting list and that they were expecting me at the upcoming vipassana retreat. The email gave me hope, I knew that the headspace I was in, could benefit from a 10-day silent retreat. #writing #depression

The first 3 days of the silent retreat were anything BUT silent. The volume of what was going on in my mind was unbearable. Physically around me, nature & stillness. Inside me, chaos. A mad contrast. It felt like an aggressive mind withdrawal from the world my mind had become so addicted to. Being dragged out of it into basically “Nothingness”, was unsettling.  Which is probably the reason why they only start teaching the vipassana technique on the 4th day, when the mind has begun to settle.  Everyday was the same. Sleep, meditation, eat, walk, meditation, eat, walk, shower, meditation, eat, walk, meditation, S.N. Goenka discourse, meditation, walk, sleep. It sounds boring and uneventful, but I started to enjoy the little things, such as placing cucumber slices on my tahini toast or the rich aroma of my warm coffee on a cold early morning walk. But because there is nothing to do & no one to talk to, I started to observe my mind. The impermanence of what my mind was telling me and how it was influencing my mood, got me especially intrigued. Here I’ve always thought that I am my mind, therefore I believe in everything my mind tells me. But after a longer period of observation without being able to act, I realised: my mind changes constantly.  But who am I then? Who is me? Isn’t me the sum of everything that makes me me? Yes, I am all of that, but that’s only my own perception of things. It’s only half the truth.  This realisation helped me detach importance from the ego and understand that, no, I am not my mind. I was also wrong to think that I am in control of my mind. The only way to be in control of my mind, is not to let my mind control me & the only way to do that is to observe rather than act.  The vipassana practice reinforced that discovery. After only a few days, I found myself observing my thoughts and emotions arise, change, and fade away. After the retreat, I  adopted the same approach to literally everything happening in front of me. In observation of the impermanence of things. Which gave me a sense of calmness in my daily life that was really soothing. The experience was unique, it was beautiful & uncomfortable. #writing #vipassana

After the vipassana retreat, I noticed that I was emotionally less involved in the cases I was handling at work. But it had become harder for me to handle the files, the tasks and deadlines. My cousin, who specializes in working with neurodivergent children, had made comments about the similarities between what I was experiencing and people with ADHD and went through some of the symptoms. Which sounded very familiar to me. She frequently raised awareness about ADHD on her socials. Of course, I could identify with everything she posted, but instead of thinking “Oh, maybe I have it”, I thought “Well then everybody has it” and ignored it. Resisting subconscious mind. After 15 online tests, which all confirmed that I may have it, I started a mad research. I basically hyper focused on it. Two new words that would become part of my vocabulary. It was a violent diagnosis, suddenly I was very aware of my symptoms. I now knew when I felt a natural obligation to do things or to behave in a certain way. I was wearing a mask not only around people but also on my own, I had gotten so used to it, that I couldn’t take it off. The most important word I newly became familiar with: Masking. How do you take off a mask you don’t know you’re wearing? In my social interactions, something has always felt off or inauthentic. I found out masking had a price tag, it was exhausting and often left me drained of my energy, forcing me to isolate myself from the world and go back to the dark place. Social battery shortage. More new words. I had been on this self-betterment journey forever, trying to change, because I thought I was a problem to be fixed. And boy, have I been feeling guilty all my life. Devaluing myself and putting others on pedestals because, you know: “thank you for putting up with me!” I finally got an official diagnosis. More than anything, today I feel empowered & grateful. Everything makes sense and I’m relieved, I have finally found the missing piece of puzzle I’d been looking for, not to solve a problem, but to my identity. #writing #adhd #adhdawareness