Don’t ask.
Don’t even guess.
When you message Skuzz there are 80 greasy fingers simultaneously fighting for purchase on that keyboard in response. Every member is huddled around the warm glow of that computer at all times. Waiting, watching, ready to pounce.
Ever wonder how we stay on top of liking all those thirst traps? We. Never. Stop. None of us. Ever.
We are the most terminally online band you will ever encounter. Even calling us a band anymore is stretching the definition. We are a collective of internet pioneers, posting memes that no sane person would conceive, absolutely obliterating that like button at the slightest sign of cleavage, sliding into DM’s in the most unhinged way possible.
“Did Skuzz just message my mom??”
YEP.
Don’t ask who it was.
Don’t try to guess.
It was all of us, we are one, our vision unified and united.
Catch us tomorrow in Brantford with:
@jetsammtl@bodyminushead@dregsdoom
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 🧠☯️
It’s obviously badass to lash out against a corrupt, oppressive system. It is also super chill to perform strategic disengagement (24+ weekly hours on Steam) to preserve one’s own sanity. 💣🎮
It’s important from time to time to put away the fertilizer, to dog-ear your manifesto, and to compartmentalize the atrocities of global totalitarian regimes. This allows space for chillin with the homies, cracking cold ones (cream soda if edge), and creating an action plan to barbecue the traitors. 🗡️🔥
Whatever your path may be, just remember: They wouldn’t have made cannibalism illegal, if it wasn’t super seet. 🥩😊
Our next gig is Fri Aug 15 in Brantford at @hypersgrill 🔥 with @jetsammtl 😈 @dregsdoom 💣 & @bodyminushead 🧠 presented by @slings.arrows 🏹 check 2nd slide for flyer.
📺 Welcome back to ET Canada.🇨🇦
Today we sat down with SKUZZ, the mysterious masked memelords who claim true authenticity is dead and can only be realized through multiple layers of deep irony. (Story continues on Pg. 25) 📰
INSIDE:
Pg. 7: “I love your hairline baby, the full ones scare me.” A testimonial from the ex-wife of Phil Collins. 🎱
Pg. 14: MODERN DOG: How the rise of open-source anatomical modifications may render the futility of violence against the system a thing of the past! 🔥🧠🐶
Pg. 23: Championing homicidally uncompromising ecological conservation via strict anti-corporate, pro-environmental policies, with Bono of U2 and the agentic AI hologram of Ted Kaczynski.🌲💣
Pg. 33: The dark side of David! How decades of exposure to hot, athletic smoke-shows in tight red swimwear has left him snorting Cialis to feel anything at all. 🎒🥽💊
pg. 69 - PERVERSE RECOLLECTIONS OF A NECROMANGLER: Johnny Sins’ secret obsession with CNC and gore-grind driven asphyxiation games.🩸🔪
Our next gig is Fri. May 16 at @theunionkw in Kitchener with @seagrave.core@leechwindsor and @wearevultures … Presented by @srsly.online … details in slide 2! 🎤
Fearless we stand in the face of adversity. ✊
Did we create this adversity for ourselves with laziness, lack of focus and a general disdain of having our shit together? MAYBE. Maybe not. Shut up Nerd. You wanted that shirt in medium? Why don’t you go source your own crappy Gildan shirts and make it then. No we won’t give you the PNG file for the artwork, buy a different size and trace it. Pay pig.💸
What do you mean backlining doesn’t include all your patch cables? We’re going to need those. Ours are all broken. No we can’t just “bUy MoRE”? Those things are expensive and we need our band fund to buy shots for every remotely attractive girl in the vicinity of the bar. No, the cables will probably not work by the end of our set.⛓️
We’re probably also going to need a bigger cut from the door because we drove 3 separate vehicles here. There was simply no other way. Yes, we are sure of that. Sure we didn’t bring cabs, or drums and we only have one merch bin because we forgot to restock. But this your problem. Next time you can arrange our transportation. We aren’t mathletes, we are SKUZZ.🚗🚗🚗
It's almost show time. The promoter hates us. The venue hates us (we swear they said we could smoke inside). The other bands hate us. Every guy in the room dumb enough to bring their girlfriend to this dive bar hates us. In other words, the vibe is perfect.✨
Just one last thing. Can I use your cab bro? What the hell are Ohms?
This Saturday at Absinthe in Hamilton with:
@beguilerband@iamjenafur@usalikemusic
& Ready to Die
Next month May 16th at The Union in Kitchener with:
@seagrave.core@leechwindsor@wearevultures
Oh god. Oh no. OH NO. 😰
She’s coming to the show. The submissive, middle-aged mother of two who thinks I’m some kind of dark, mysterious dom god is insisting on being there. And the cute 20-year-old—who may or may not have a praise kink and definitely has no idea about any of this—already got herself tickets.
They’re gonna be in the same room. They’re gonna talk. They’re gonna realize I’m just some guy who panics when the WiFi drops. 😫
WHAT IF THEY COMPARE NOTES? 📝 WHAT IF THEY FORM A SUPPORT GROUP? 👭 WHAT IF THEY START A BAND? 🎤
This isn’t a power dynamic—this is a powder keg. Next Saturday isn’t a show… it’s an interrogation. I need to fake my own death. Or move to Peru. Or—oh god—dom them both at the same time? NO. That way lies madness. And also possible litigation.
Fuck. FUCK. Why did I think I could have two secret lives?! This isn’t Eyes Wide Shut, this is Careless Whispers—and I am not George Michael.
I am so not cool enough to survive this. 😭🔥
👉CHECK THRID SLIDE FOR THE FLYER
✍️DM for physical tickets!
@iamjenafur@beguilerband@usalikemusic@absinthe.hamilton@thicfistevents
“I just don’t really get it” she says, snuggling closer “tell me more”
It’s hard to find a place to start, so much has happened in seemingly no time at all. You begin with the first time you put on the mask, the feeling of power and control over your life was instantaneous despite almost no one being there to witness it. Your goals in life became clear and defined for the first time in your meager existence. 🙏
She’s staring at you expectantly, she gives a small nod encouraging you to continue. 💁♀️
So you forge on. The more you speak the more you realize how much there is to tell. From beers with the boys to burgers that changed your outlook on life. From smoking inside to bowel movements that caused venues to shut down. From being an insignificant speck to exuding strength and becoming the change you wanted to see in the world. 💪
Her expression is changing from curiosity to horror, her body language is tense, ready to flee at a moments notice. 😱
It’s all becoming a blur, you can’t even stop yourself. You’ve caught up to the present day in your tale but still you push on. The plans you have will shake the world to its core, Freshly Expired Flesh Products? The Saga? The AI singularity currently coming to life? Everyday the delusions of grandeur you started with seem a little less delusional. It’s only a matter of time before the multifaceted media empire that is SKUZZ transcends all definition and envelops all of existence. 💫
She’s gone now, but that’s okay. You’re here. You know what you need to do.🏆
Catch us this Friday Feb 28th at Bovine Sex Club in Toronto with @bigevilband and @jinnarcana
Also Saturday March 1st in Simcoe, inquire for further details
