May is mental health awareness month. As both a therapist and a person who lives with multiple life altering diagnoses, this is a topic that I hold close to my heart.
I began struggling with my own mental health when I was 12 years old. I moved from New York to Oregon just before I turned 10. My parents thought it would be an easy transition for me because I was “such a social butterfly.” Truth be told, it was a gut wrenching change for me. I didn’t fit neatly into any of the social cliques that had already been well established by 4th grade. I had a thick New York accent that I couldn’t hide and I didn’t know how to dress or act like the other cool girls. Needless to say, I developed a full blown eating disorder by 7th grade. It went unnoticed for quite a while, but once it was caught, I started my therapy journey.
Fast forward to sophomore year of college, after transferring to a new school and knowing absolutely no one, I began to struggle once again. I fell into my first major depressive episode by the end of the school year, and learned first hand just how horrific and terrifying it is to experience severe, debilitating depression. That summer, I saw my first psychiatrist, was prescribed Zoloft and miraculously felt incredibly better after just 2-3 weeks. I felt better than ever and thought Zoloft was an absolute miracle drug.
Zoloft and talk therapy kept me stable until my second depressive episode struck during my last year of grad school. That was the start of a grueling 19 month journey of trialing over 13 medications and various forms of treatment. That episode made me want to stop living, but I knew I needed to hold on for my sweet little boy who deserved a healthy mama. That horrific time ended with the discovery that I had undiagnosed ADHD for 30 years. I started my first stimulant and once again felt better than ever.
Until I didn’t. Within several months of getting my ADHD diagnosis, an immediate family member of mine nearly died. I left my job because I could no longer handle the stress and pressure of it all. My then fiancé unexpectedly ended our relationship, and all of this happening at once caused me to break.
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Happy International Dance Day.
Dance is my very favorite art form. I have a playlist of HUNDREDS of songs that when I hear them, I see choreography in my head. Of all the skills in the world, dance is the one I am most envious of, and would choose to be excellent at, if there was a waving of the wand type situation.
Dance is for everyone.
@jayeads and I spoke yesterday about the way the purpose of our annual shoots has changed over the years. Neither one of us can quickly define the Why, but we’re both equally okay with that ambiguity right now. The collaboration itself is interesting, the way we push our creativity each year is interesting, and eventually reflecting on fifteen years of working together in this capacity is interesting. I actually kind of like not being able to define it, but instead just respecting it for what it is.
These photos are from our shoot in Oregon last year. Very exciting that this year’s shoot takes place in NYC 🏙️✨
Photos by @jayeads
Many a time I’ve wondered why I find that I regularly photograph people on their wedding day from a distance. Does it say something about me? Is it about the aesthetic? Is it to give them precious space? I’m really not sure, but I could find dozens of examples.
I’m not sure how this happened, but this is my 20th year doing this professionally. I’ve learned so much. About people, human nature, life, myself. Observing and documenting people’s lives has been an honor. A thoroughly humbling, joyful, exhausting honor.
It’s been many years since I shifted my mindset about what I do. I don’t consider myself an artist, even if I approach my job from an artistic background. Internally, my motivation is about acting as a historian. The images I take today aren’t just FOR today. It might be decades before they take on their full significance. I’m ok with that.
Weddings are one piece of that life puzzle. Full of meaning and symbolism, beauty and emotion. Over the years I have watched couples grow into a new whole, and break apart into individual pieces. Who we choose to love is so very complicated. I’ve yet to hear a better explanation than “when you know, you know.” Everyone seems to understand what means. It’s fascinating.
I’ve photographed hundreds of weddings, no two fully alike. No couple a carbon copy of the others. Love is incredible.
I did my yearly shoot with @jayeads for 2025 around my birthday in December, and all I got were these gorgeous and incredible images!
For this shoot, I was interested in exploring the concepts of adult angst, dissociation during seemingly happy events, and as always, playing with self expression in ways I commonly do not (aka wearing a dress 😂). This idea was inspired by @yelyahwilliams new album cover for Ego Death At A Bachelorette Party which I have had on heavy rotation since it was released.
This is what I wrote leading up to the shoot to try to get clarity in what I was after•••
Adult Angst: BECOMING
Angst can come from feeling misunderstood and unseen. With teen angst, this looks like: frustration, acting out, anxiety, turmoil, and existential dread. Adult angst has similar qualities, but doesn’t feel as urgent or dramatic. Adult angst has more life experience, and with that, more understanding and allowing. A comfort with being misunderstood. It’s learning how to actually not care how others perceive you, and not just saying that. There’s an ease, and lack of having to force it that feels really different.
Dramatic without judgement.
Dramatic not as an insult.
Dramatic with a felt and known purpose.
Dramatic because I am still alive.
Thank you @jayeads for taking these photos back in December after my bisalpingectomy surgery.
I’ve known for most of my adult life that having kids was not in my future. I never experienced the “baby fever” that people insisted would hit me eventually. I never dreamt about starting a family, settling down, or basking in domestic bliss. I’ve worked in early childhood education for about 6 years now, and while I adore my preschool students, I like being able to go home at the end of the day and enjoy some peace and quiet. I want to be able to pursue my own passions, hobbies, and interests, on my own time.
I'm always mildly annoyed that I have to deal with a monthly biological process that serves absolutely zero purpose for me. The endless hormonal cycle, with pain, cramping, headaches, digestive issues, and mood swings, feels inescapable. I used a copper IUD for birth control for 7 years, and then heard about the bisalpingectomy, which completely removes the fallopian tubes and is considered the new “gold standard” in permanent birth control for uterus-havers (as opposed to tubal ligation, whereby they simply clip off the fallopian tubes).
I had an abortion in 2018 when I was with an abusive partner, and am thankful every day that I made this choice. My life would be very different if I hadn’t. Having the bisalp procedure means that I won’t have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy ever again (it’s about as close to 100% guarantee as anything can be), and gives me peace of mind in many different ways.
I got the surgery done on December 22nd, thanks to my wonderful doctor who never once questioned my decision, and felt elated afterwards. Opting into this procedure was one way to take control of my own body and reproductive system, and it feels like a weight off my chest. I share my story because I want other people to know this is something they CAN do if they want to and have access to it. They don’t need to wait for permission or second-guess their desires based on societal expectations and norms.
Parenthood should always be a CHOICE. Not a requirement.
