I was inspired by graffiti on the walk home. "Stay true".
In my experience sharing stories , personal ones, not only heals you, but can potentially heal others. It might make someone feel less alone, or it might make you feel less alone in sharing it so here it goes. Plus it's Sexual Assault Awareness Month so why not.
Eight years ago, tonight April 12th/ early hours April 13th on a night out in Leicester I was raped. This isn't something I'm secretive about but there's always a slight reluctance about this, an embarrassment I feel actually sharing it this way when realistically, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. So here I am, in my feels sharing this
I remember at the time being so wrapped up In Bulimic/ Anorexic BPD behaviours, trying to process childhood trauma on top of this that it all just seems like one big unstable blur. It doesn't even feel real sometimes
Eight years on, and endless therapy sessions later, today always feels the same. It's not happening anymore, but it is. I am safe, but I'm not. It feels like an important day, though it shouldn't be.
Sometimes it's important just to sit with an emotion, a feeling. Eight years on and things change, a bridge I debated jumping from many times becomes a place where I sit, writing this, a place of calmness where chaos once lived.
I think It's important to remember where you've came from, to look at where you sit now and think of all the possibilities of where you go from here.
Despite everything, I know I'm never a victim, I'll always be a survivor. I will use my voice, somehow to help end the stigma around Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault.
3 years ago today, I completed the beginners course at futureshock Wrestling. I look at myself on these pictures, and I'm reminded of how fast things can change and how far I've come.
Wrestling is something I'd wanted to try for years, but due to my own CPTSD, I never could, I wouldn't even think about it. It was impossible for me.
These pictures were taken at the lowest point in my life, at a time when I was battling my own trauma from all sides, and I was losing. At the time these pictures were taken, I was suicidal. Believing I had nothing else left to offer, I was worth nothing , this was a time in my life when I believed my friends and families' lives would be better off without me in it.
With nothing left to lose, I took a chance. It HAD TO WORK and signed up to start my wrestling journey. Luckily for me ( and all of you 😉), it worked. A broken clavicle, a slightly broken nose, a slightly misaligned jaw and many, many... many breakdowns later and its still working!
Futureshock opened up the doors for me to start glueing myself together. I would argue that starting wrestling has allowed me to see a future both in and outside of the wrestling world!
Follow @ajaxalixander if you're not already 👀
Despite the hardships I've had whilst training, I can say it is the best decision I have ever made.
No matter what happens next, thank you 🧡 @futureshockwrestling@thatdamnbailey@chrisridgeway__@lizzyevo97
#TheSurvivorincoming👀
I don't usually do an end of year post. However a word sticks out to me this year.
"Reclaim". The reclaiming of myself. My environment. My past. Taking ownership of my life.
I'd say this year felt like a series of tests. Both actual and metaphorical. One after the other, each testing how far I've come, and how far I still have to go.
And I'm proud to stand back and say:
I fucking smashed every single one them!
2026 here we come. Here's to even more reclaiming! 👀
Thank you to everyone involved on the journey this year 🧡
Day 1 of our Liminal Festival!
Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) by James Stanley @jay_stanley_
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SPOKEN WORD PERFORMANCE EXPERIMENT ON THE IMPACT OF ABUSE, MALE SILENCE AND HOW INTERGRATING THE FRAGMENTED SELVES CAN ASSIST TRAUMA HEALING.
Lovely to see the first 3 performances of our @performance_mst Liminal Festival yesterday. There’s more on tonight and tomorrow at Manchester School of Theatre. @grosvenoreasttheatre
Three original performance projects that mark the end of our students MA journey.
Speaking from the Cracks by Tiana Butler @tianateetee - a dance documentary exploring the spaces between identity and expression.
Exhausting Place by Lauren Manville @lauren_manville_ - an installation exploring the quiet poetics of the everyday.
Non-Disclosure Agreement by James Stanley @jay_stanley_ - an autobiographical spoken word performance experiment on the impact of abuse, male silence and how integrating the fragmented selves can assist trauma healing.
#contemporaryperformance #experimentaltheatre #mastersdegree #liminalfestival
Just want to say thank you to everyone who came along last night and to anyone who got a ticket! I was surprised at the turnout, so thank you for that too!
NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT (NDA) Genuinely felt like an accumulation of the past 15 years. To be able to share my story in this way, a way that felt safe for me , and hopefully for the audience, too was more than I could have asked for.
I will say that none of this would have been possible without the support I've had from my close family members over the years, both dead and alive. This support can often be life changing for survivors of abuse.
I don't know exactly what's next , but I do know whatever it is, I'll continue to use my voice and my story, as a survivor to inspire change and hopefully help others, even in a small way.
NDA, it's not just my story, but yours, and theirs, all the people who came before.
Thank you,
NDA, NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT, over and out.
NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT (NDA)
Tuesday 16th September
Manchester Metropolitan University
Grosvenor East Theatre
An Autobiographical spoken word performance about the after effects of abuse , male silence and integrating the fragmented selves to encourage trauma healing
✨️TICKETS IN THE BIO✨️
