I heard it all in passing. Can’t even understand. Are you gonna change your last name? Have you gone and made a plan?
Do you got a place to stay? I’m living on that same street. And your body knows the way, I’ll be there if you need me, ya.
— Bonnie Doon by Meee (and friends)
April comes in like a coastal storm. A few weeks of sneaking anticipation and the sense of coming loss. Grief seeping into my background noise. Generating misplaced anxiety before I realize that my body simply remembers 4 years of recurring loss, trauma, defeat. I spend my afternoons and 3 to 4:30am each day mourning something that hasn’t even begun.
It took a minute (and like 12 people I love over 5 conversations) before I realized that love and grief are intimately intermingled in my body. Each amplifying the other. When one awakens the other does as well.
In this photo there are two very different men of my heritage. Each giving me a gift and curse.
From my grandfather the love of beauty alongside a swirling discontent. From my father fear, but also a deep true love alongside the remarkable gentleness of a man who kept his heart open to god.
And so I feel it all. I let myself feel a love that is unreasonable and mistimed. I let myself move the grief that will forever colour in the shadows of my time on earth. And I’ll go on a date tonight. And buy flowers. And drink wine last night till 1am even though I never drink but the moment demanded it in the creation of a life long friend.
And as I love what I’ve lost in my living and mourning I’ll honour the seeds of love that have been planted in me by generations. I think I’ll be a good garden. Big trees deep roots, a place to sit a while. That seems like a worthwhile life to live.
(Also photos of Mexico for the fun)
Take a minute, close your eyes, go to your breath. 🤍
Be earth now, and evensong.
Be the ground lying under that sky.
Be modest now, like a thing ripened until it is real,
so that he who began it all
can feel you when he reaches for you.
— Rilke
Thank you for the listening pals and to the four legends who I’m #1 for 🫶🏻 Almost disappeared but decided 2026 will be a year of many songs for you. I’m only finishing the songs that make me cry while doing them. So we’ll see how the market responds to the music. Chasing the muse one track at a time.
“Cover my eyes. I’ve been awake for some time. I’ve been away from my life. I’ve been alone. Hide in the night. Somebody make me feel right. I’ve been away from my life. I’ve been alone.” — If I Had (demo.12.03.25)
Writing in process. Nov 6, 2025.
When you’re mothers in the phone does it hurt inside?
Is it all so tragic in your little life?
Are you caught up all alone?
Is your thirst denied?
Do I hold some magic?
Do I come to mind?
Given its lonely, call me for heartache…
