I miss my dad. I wish living didn’t hurt so much. I am so grateful for the love and experiences that make it worth it.
3 & 4 - Fireflies in Indonesia this May. The guy running the conservation centre is saving them for his children. I hadn’t seen them in 20 years, we cried together.
5 & 6 - Sunset swimming, more fireflies, plus phytoplankton in Cat Ba, Vietnam. How could I not want to be on a planet that looks like this.
7 & 8 - SaPa, Vietnam. Being driven round these mountains and villages I realised how glad I was to be alive.
9 & 10 - the birth of my perfect niece.
11-14 - Janet Jackson. My dad worked for her on the Rhythm Nation tour. She’s my favourite diva and a huge part of our family lore.
15-17 - Tokyo. One of my favourite relics of my dad is his well worn crew t-shirt from the MJ Bad tour in Tokyo. Visiting this incredible city with my dearest friend for their gig was incredibly special.
18 - my dad on his wedding day
19 - my god mother’s speech at his wake
A year of holding hands with @i.jordan 💖💅 happiest birthday to the best boy - thank you for holding me through this year. I could not be more grateful for your existence, love and air-sign validation ❤️
1 - our fave photo together @ the cause (March 2024)
2 - our first maximum affirming gender maximalist pic @ colour factory smoking area on Jordan’s bday (Sept 23)
3 - white hotel green room manchester post homobloc (maybe 7am?) (Nov)
4 - I.Jordan & friends party @ Corsica (Nov)
5 - annual dinner party @ my house (Nov)
6 - New Years Day post J’s exceptional 10am set (Jan 24)
7 - post top surgery in J’s bed with his son and my godson Chewy (Jan)
8 - sad day at my house held by my faves cooked for by Lizzie (Feb)
9 - my birthday in dalston (Feb)
10 - getting tough love from J over Vietnamese (March)
11 - Jordan’s first Adonis (March)
12 - my last unfold before travelling (Easter)
13 & 14 - reunited at riposte/electrowerkz (June)
15 - family hot pot Whitechapel (July)
16 - Trans Pride London (July)
17 - Jordan’s first friends and family live gig @ pickle factory (Aug)
18 - post field day and Jordan’s big successful set!! Aug
19 - bodymovements (Aug)
20 - just before the best experience on a dance floor together and before Jordan “went away” (for three whole bloody weeks)
Love you so much Angel bby can’t wait for your big return xxxx
Very much in the undertow of grief this year. Sometimes it feels heavier and more compounding as the years go on. Like carrying around thick, inflamed scar tissue that grows with his absence. This year is one of those years where the grief is acute. With various other heartbreaks this past 12 months, I’ve been in pieces for what feels like forever. It’s exhausting.
My dad dying shifted my entire life into a shape I could never have imagined. What I carried with me through all that change were the things I loved most about him. His more is more philosophy - more friends, more love, more optimism, more joy. Clarity that none of these are finite resources.
His approach has held me through this year, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the chosen family who have dragged me through the horrors™️, given me respite, and helped me shed some of the ways I’ve been cruel to myself. I am endlessly thankful for the privilege of being, and having been, loved like this. It makes the undertow so much more tolerable.
