Let’s talk about self-abandonment…
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In 2023, I shaved my long hair the day after my partner and I returned from SXSW. I’d been called “ma’am” so many times in Austin, and each time felt like a punch in the gut.
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Perhaps I thought that no hair would signal my “no particular gender” gender? The “she’s” still came, as they had when it was short before.
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Regardless, for three years, it felt right.
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Then, a few months ago, I was called to grow my hair again. I am unsure why. One week, I just didn’t take out the clippers. That week became a month, and then three.
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All the time on the yoga mat these last two years, I became ever clearer within myself about my gender (or lack thereof), and all else. Annoyed at times when “she’s” flowed my way, and a phase of letting it slide.
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I experienced less a punch in the gut and more a flick of a finger. However, it is not me. A whisper to pay attention to, as unattended whispers become screams.
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This week during a class with
@iamevanmeyer , we did a self-abandonment exercise, and I recognized how every time I stay quiet about this, it is betrayal. To myself.
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I take responsibility. A call to even deeper embodiment. How would people know to make more of an effort when I stay quiet?
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I convinced myself that my clarity overrode those repeated moments of disappointment. Yet, I have learned the hard way that silence is never a long term plan for authentic living.
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You can be at home within and want to be seen and respected for all of your uniqueness. Two parts of yourself can co-exist at once. Both/And. As
@lisafield12 says, “The All and Everything.”
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This ability to hold many layers is what being gender queer/trans, queer in general, is all about. The in-between is the destination. The grey area seen as true as black and white. As important as this and that.
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Being your own advocate even when you fear being an inconvenience (and possibly being rejected) is a profound form of self-love.
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The small ways you abandon yourself when you don’t speak up add up.
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So, where can you get a little louder on your own behalf? 📢🖤
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Image:
@hailleydotcom
MU:
@lisadempseymakeup 
