I am 31 today. 💚🌹🌿✨🗡️ Here are some things I have learned in this past year of my life;
I can’t progress in my career if I keep letting people tell me who I am,
Time with my cat is very precious to me,
Time with my friends always lifts my spirits,
I can feel so much sadness for the world it turns into numbness,
I can’t let go of limiting beliefs if I’m still around people who perpetuate them,
I am extremely lucky to have the partner that I have,
Sometimes I know more than I think I do,
At this age, I would rather pay for more comfortability,
I’ve improved so much in my ability to be my authentic self without worrying so much about what other people think,
Sometimes I think I healed from a trigger, but really I’ve just done a great job of avoiding it for so long,
I am still extremely sensitive to perceived rejection,
Even if I make what I think is the right choice that doesn’t mean that others around me would make the same choice,
I’m so grateful for the close relationships I have with my sisters and nieces,
As much as I have worked on myself for the past 10 years, there is still so much work left to do.
Self portrait
Chemise @french.meadows
Skirt @ladyepi
Necklace @shakespearebtrust
Chain mail and corset found on Depop
“My mind is the only sanctuary that has not been stolen from me. Men have tried to breach it before, but I have learned to defend it vigorously, so I’m only safe within my innermost thoughts”. - Eragon
📸 @studioreinhold
I’m so grateful to @studioreinhold for capturing these images, I feel like they reflect the parts of me that are protective, fierce, and quietly powerful. My mind is one of the few places I feel I am able to carry these parts of me, not quite ready to display them more openly to the world.
I hope that as I approach the next return of the sun, I can find a way to move past the barriers that hold back these parts of me, step into my power, and fully embrace my truest self.
Happy May Day and Blessed Beltane 🌷🌱✨
This particular spring feels precious somehow, like the last season of stillness before everything changes. Finding moments to pause feels difficult but necessary, for no matter what happens we know that we shall never experience that one particular moment ever again. For me, spring has always meant a time when I felt permitted to look upon myself and acknowledge the growth that I have made, the roads I have traveled, the ideas I have released. Even if I cannot always trust humans to see me for who I truly am and accept me as such, I know that the forest always will.
Spring time allows me a chance to reconnect to the forest, and remind myself of what it truly means to be a Taurus. For a while, I do indulge in comfort, food, slowness and stillness, a true Taurus will retain a rawness of spirit, the kind of rawness only a forest can truly understand. A true Taurus understands that stability means growth and constant change despite the word.
May is the month that will show us that we were right to trust ourselves, because spring will always come again, the flowers will bloom after the barren Earth, the leaves will return to the trees, and we ourselves will bloom again, no matter what we have suffered.
May is also mental health awareness month, so please hold yourselves and your identity close, and keep your care of yourself precious, for there is nothing more valuable then you and your soul.
I almost forgot what it’s like to just feel quiet, to just feel space in my mind and softness and peace. Right now all there is is noise and chatter, appointments and emergencies, opinions and delusions, taxes and war, dishes and laundry. All I can think about is why won’t this person listen to me and why can’t I follow my own advice and why is it so hard to make food every day and why do I keep giving myself more things to do when it’s already hard enough to do the things that I have to do and how to make appointments for myself to fix all the things that are wrong with my car and the things just keep piling up, and how do I find time to go to the gym and finish all of my notes and do the laundry and feed the cat and spend time with my partner and do my hobbies and rest and journal and talk to my friends? How do I keep up with research to be good at my job and do what I want to do to advance my job and do the projects I want to do and still work towards my other life goals of having a healthier body and a more rested mind?
The truth is, I’ve had a really hard life up until about a year and a half ago. The truth is, I should be the happiest that I’ve ever been. I have a fantastic partner, I live in a lovely apartment in a peaceful neighborhood with a sweet cat, great relationship with my sisters, I love my job, I have wonderful friends and great opportunities, and a bunch of hobbies that I really enjoy. So why am I still depressed?
I think we all know why, and it hits me sometimes just how unfair it is that I can’t enjoy what should be some of the best times of my life. I’ve waited such a long time to get to this point and I feel like I can’t even enjoy it; my brain is too fried worrying about everything else. I feel like I always have to choose to spend the time when my brain is not fried working on my hobby or working on my career, spending time with my partner or spending time with my friends, spending time on my hobbies, or spending time helping the community.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I guess I’ll just keep trying to figure it out as I go.
Like a dream, or a dream of a dream, this place haunts my memories, spilling into the streams of my subconscious as a creeping vine. I’d ask myself if it was even real, but I know my tortured mind has not the joy nor the imagination to create such a wonder as the castle of Cahir. The silver stones that tower over the ancient town, the rainbow flowers that grace the lawn, the sprawling gardens leading you to a forest of swans. All of it, a gift in this dark world.
