I don’t know if anyone has noticed but I’ve had to disappear.
While I was on my way to work on October 3rd, I had a panic attack worse than anything I had known so far, and I’ve been struggling with autistic burnout ever since. This means that almost anything can trigger an intense feeling of being unsafe in my body… a thought I’m having, a person’s voice, or even if the lighting in a room is just a little bright.
That’s why I’ve had to cancel not only my shifts behind the bar or as a sound technician, but all DJ bookings as well, and I have no idea where this will lead to and how long it will take. But for now my priorities are to avoid sensory overwhelm, and hopefully find autism-affirming care in a clinic as soon as possible.
I’ve been struggling to find the right words for more than two months, but I wanted to let those who care know what’s really going on.
Clubs and the sub culture surrounding them have felt like home to me for all my adult life, so making this decision has been as painful as it has been necessary, and without alternative.
I hope I will be back some day.
I just wish I knew how to say good bye in a language that the concept of you that lives on in my mind can understand.
It is selfish of me, I know.
We were close once. I mean, I knew you your whole life, of course. But there was a time when we had things in common, talked about life, danced to the same music.
But our lives diverged in opposite directions and we ended up living in quite different worlds, kind of started speaking different languages with just a limited amount of shared vocabulary.
I do understand why you chose to believe in god again. Even though I can’t pray or believe, I really wish there is some kind of heaven where you can finally catch up on all the joys that the body you were given in this world denied you.
I also totally understand why you chose to reserve the energy you had left when your MCAS got worse by breaking up communication with people like me who were outside your inner circle.
Memories. Learning on July 6 that you were likely to die within weeks started something inside of me that I still don’t know how to handle. Memories of you are almost always memories of my own childhood. Which means they are fragmented, and unfortunately almost always painful to revisit. I really hate this, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
When you died on August 15, I felt I could finally stop bracing for impact. But I’m still struggling to grasp the extent of your absence and mourn your loss in a way that finally unravels the chaos and might eventually make room for some kind of peace.
Yesterday‘s funeral, I hoped, would finally give me the opportunity to say good bye and to let go. But — and I really don’t blame anyone for inviting him — I really can’t be in the same room with god. I still think I was right to at least try, even though it meant I had to dissociate throughout the whole ceremony to keep myself safe. But all this chaos is still holed up inside of me, unchanged.
I don’t often play worship music
But when I do, it’s slow, dark and psychedelic.
The best place to spend your Sunday afternoon is the dance floor.
So check out my new Slow Joy mix on SoundCloud.
Hajelulah!
🖤🌈🦄
Link in bio…
#djmix #psychedelicdisco #newbeat #darkdisco #afterhourworshipmusic
