Were you the outfit, or the one wearing it?
At some point you learned how to fasten yourself into something heavy, buckled tight, buttoned all the way up,
stitched from whatever got you through.
You wore it so long it stopped feeling like a choice.
As though there was nothing else in the closet.
But there is.
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More than the tatters you learned to live in.
More than the version of you built around enduring.
And when you finally loosen the buckles,unbutton what you outgrew, you find yourself bare. You were never the outfit.
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-Alex
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The photo below was from the day my ex-husband left me and called me at work to tell me he was divorcing me and taking our daughter.
I was on duty (spending the night at work) so I couldn’t leave. I just cried into the sink until it was black from my shitty mascara.
The artist in me couldn’t help but see the beauty in even that moment. So I took a photo.
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Each time I conquered my past trauma, I took off the outfits. Changing them time and again. Thinking I could get better by changing the weight or comfort of the adornment.
Therapy, brainspotting, ketamine, EMDR.. all had to lay me bare and vulnerable before I could actually find anything in life worth wearing.
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Now I know I’m not the outfit.
#traumarecovery #DepressiveDisorder #anxietyrelief #traumasupport #OCD #PTSD #emdrtherapy #ketamineassistedpsychotherapy #fyp #healingjourney
One cool side ..I guess, of having trauma that caused disassociation, is that it gives me a helluva pain tolerance.
Like I’ll straight roll my whole foot on itself and look at it first and be like “damn that’s not good” and then proceed to walk. Silent. Saying I’m fine because I actually kinda am.
It’s like well, what’s next. I’m either ok, or we go to the hospital. Lmao.
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Makes tattoos a breeze.
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Not recommending this in practice lmao, just an observation.
Anyone else?
*photo of disassociated neighbor cat for no reason.
Being the example for Lily that nothing can stop you if you want something…
That’s been an absolute privilege.
She came to see Lark and Walrus last weekend and it was brilliant to feel her watching me with her lil bestie and dancing to our music. Making eye contact with her while the audience danced. Filming both Gage Rivas and I while we made her smile.
I can’t even explain how that feels.
To have fought for her through so much, done so much to watch her heal and strive for wellness. She’s been doing art on her own, singing in the shower, having sleepovers again, getting ready to turn 16 and drive and get a job… and I get to be the example of never stopping…
I love my Lily bean.
Nothing beats the fever dream adventures we constantly ride. Making music with you blows my mind constantly babe. I found an artist and a musician and partner for this earthly journey.
Find yourself someone who refuses to be boring and challenges your views and helps you grow and can take grunge diva photos with you. 😂🙌🥹
Gage Rivas
