today marks my solar return, the end of a decade, the day after Lupercalia, and the day before a solar eclipse, and a new moon, with a Chinese new year. that feels classically me. a major solar return and then let’s turn all the lights off. my chart is ruled by the moon - of course I have my sun in the darkest possible part. reflected, deflected, shining a silver light. born in the part of winter when the light finally starts to return, when the thawing out begins, however subtle, and not always perceived if you aren’t paying attention. I feel it every year.
and despite the chaos of the last decade of my life, I still really value my birthday. the age thing bugs me and it also doesn’t, I’ve been old since I was born. I value marking the fact that I am here. despite it all. sometimes in literal spite I have held on. I think about my muse and astrological counterpart Lord Byron, not even making it this far, so I cannot help but be grateful. I have been told as a woman my love life and hope for a career is basically over at this age, and yet I feel like I have only just gotten the slightest grip on who I am. I have a huge ego and little confidence. I am humble and grateful and I always expect more. I am a very clever idiot. I crave intimacy and demand freedom. I am emotionally honest and embarrass myself constantly as a result. and I love these parts of myself - and would do anything to change them.
if the last decade has taught me anything, what I am and have is precious, if not easily understood. for better and much worse I can safely say I have always been myself. I have never changed for anyone. I have tried to become better, but I have never pretended to be interested in fitting in. I also never really tried to stand out. at least, it has never been purposeful. I just have the audacity to trust my taste above everyone else’s. I have never had much interest in competing against anyone but myself. and that should be valued. and I must learn to value it for myself, if no one else will. even if that simply means looking into the mirror and telling myself, “thank you, thank you, ever thanks. I love you, fully.”
* photos by the immensely talented
@distant.era