-2025-
This year I learned invincible is an armor that grows too heavy. And better days can arrive in the stillness where you stay.
For some time chronic pain took most of what I cared for. In that space remained truths Iâm now learning to honor
and love.. so much love.
A slice of my truth- Part two.
I take great pride in my ability to survive because what feels like a lifetime worth of it was packed into my younger years. and after years of self work and therapy sessions, I thought I paid my dues.
But hereâs the thing about Chronic pain, Itâs roots is in survival system. And that doesnât always look like scars or sleepless nights; sometimes it hides behind the healing youâre constantly chasing, the haunting fear of being behind, the forest fire kind of ambition and maybe even the constant seeking of meaning and purpose.
Recovery didnât began till I stopped white-knuckling it. Till I stopped demanding my pain to turn into a breakthrough. Till safety could exist along side the doubt. Chronic pain wasnât another thing to survive or push through. Not in the body.
Right now I donât know what my future holds. But thatâs a riddle I donât wanna solve. Neither will i rush to polished new me. Iâm staying here. Messy, whole and real.
âââââ-
It seems my last post didn't land clearly for many so i'm gonna put it simply here: I'm alright now. The pain is down and my fire is returning.
I just didn't want my story to be softened by focusing on the resolution. Not all suffering needs to end in triumph to deserve a voice.
A slice of my truth- Part one
Last fall came with pain I never predicted my mid twenties would bring. It stayed in my knees, elbows, wrists and fingers Which for the most part left me immobilized and bed-bound. But with an enthusiasm that survived all the hardships before. I knew if I willed it, this too will pass.
But what followed were months of medical neglect, misdiagnosis and tear filled clinic visits. âIâm sorry I cannot help youâ the doctors shrugged. Angry I wanted to plead âthis is my whole damn life we are talking aboutâ.
Enduring chronic pain wasnât just a loss of physical freedom, it was a loss of choice. A slow erosion of the self. Our society easily recognizes the suffering that comes with a cast or a hospital bed, but this one didnât come with the mercy of a diagnose or a recovery plan.
Naturally my pride hid the suffering. Even from myself. While every thought, move, meal, decision belonged to the pain. Iâve let go of work, connections, hobbies, activities and the person I was supposed to be. âYouâre so strongâ left a bitter taste.
Through my whole life I always knew what to do and always had the right words. But for the first time in my life, after 8 months of discipline, research and failed healing modalities I could no longer muster energy to look for answers or force a silver lining. My fire burned out.
