Sivagnanavathy

The school that I studied in would celebrate all festivals that marked a public holiday. Half-yearly vacations would commence after the last exam mid-December. The last exam day was also the day the school would celebrate Christmas - complete with carols (practice would happen for a month), the nativity play, and a gift exchange for the entire school. Someone from class 10 would dress up as Santa and all the gifts would be mixed up in a big cardboard box and distributed while “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!” played in loop, and every kid would hop off to board the school bus, thrilled about the holidays. Similarly, the colony I lived in for the first few years of my schooling would also celebrate every festival there was - with Christmas bringing in the carols, kids dressed up in pretty frocks and angel wings and a big blotch of rouge on the cheeks, paraded around in mini trucks. After incessant tantrums, father gave in one year and got me a golden star that we could hang on the verandah. I’d wait till 6pm patiently so I could run and turn it on every December day. When I first set up a shared space, one of the first things I got (on a super tight budget, I had no idea how much ornaments cost) was a Christmas tree. I put it up, searched area after area with a friend for a golden star, put that up, and invited every friend I knew for a potluck that was slightly chaotic perhaps, in hindsight 😅 It’s almost 2 years since I moved into a place of my own, slowly allowing this space and my heart to expand and fill each other up. It’s been 2 Decembers of setting up my tree, putting up golden stars, allowing myself a small purchase or two, playing secret Santa, planning up potlucks for friends, and making up a tradition, a celebration I can possibly call my own.

Wikipedia says “Acrophobia is an extreme or irrational fear or phobia of heights.” When you put it like that, you might understand how I’d accepted & learned to live around my fear of heights - pretty much how you accept your eyebrows are on top of your eyes; they just are. So when things involving heights came up at my sessions at @fit_o_crazy , I’d flat out refuse, with @deepak_darshan_ trying all he can and closing it with “it’s ok, we can try again another day.” One day, post a session at the park, we were sharing our feelings as we figured out balance walk atop a 6 ft curved monkey bar. @inigo.ids laughed and said “my stupid brain says why keep your foot on the bar, there’s a gap in between, just put it in there!” And I felt SO SEEN! That’s what was inside my brain ALL the time! The loop of those thoughts went like this “my brain says epdiyum vizha thaane pora, just put your leg in between. You’ll fall. And break your bones. And your spine. And all the people who depend on you will suffer. And you’ll let everyone down. Simply because you wanted to climb this silly thing that you can’t.” This was a light bulb moment. I was terrified of failing because I was convinced I would let my people down. To a point of limiting my life choices to get that much needed approval and validation. Just acknowledging these things felt like the weight of the world was temporarily off my shoulders. Several further post-workout breakfast discussions would show me how failing or coming second was never really an option, at least for younger Siva. Because then, I’d become unworthy. I felt incredibly gutted at how much of a burden idk a 10-year-old me would’ve had to lug around with this inner narrative sitting inside. A few weeks later, with @evolving_lifee holding gentle space, I gave this 12 ft monkey bar at fit o another shot. I kept telling myself what Deepak once told me, “enna aagidum Siva? Keezha vizhuveengala? Seri ok fall. So what? Just fall.” The (slightly long but justly so) video will tell you the rest. Turns out I just needed permission to fail. Here’s me wishing me more of that for myself inime.

For the longest time, I’ve not really understood what the point of shooting on film was. To me, it felt like technical superiority, and technical aspects of photography have almost always bored me. Sure, they’re nice etc., but… what was the 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵? November last year, I went to one of @cpbdarkroom ’s OpenBeamer, just to see @thesteevez ’s work. And for the first time, I felt cautiously curious, eventually excited even, about shooting on film - the possibility of creating slow, intentional work. It’s been a while since I’ve felt my heart flutter like a newly forming potential crush, about photography, like this. These are my favourite images from what I shot over this weekend, with @cpbdarkroom ’s Darkroom 101, on film for the first time. I was aware like blinding headlights in the eye, how many shots I had in each roll. I was present in the moment, observing, searching, figuring what meant what to me, asking myself the same question that’s been sitting front and centre in my head for a while now, “Why are you taking this picture, what’s the 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵?“ New format. Newer battles in my head. Brand new butterflies. Eeeep! (I have my own stories and reasons why I shot each picture. If one of them remind you of something, or you decipher some meaning out of one, tell me? I’d love to hear. If you have a minute, I’d love to tell you what my story is too!)

Staying at @littleflowerfarms felt like falling into loving, old, gentle hands, ready to take me, asking me, coaxing me, to pace down, breathe slower, be. I’ve decided to let it go easy on myself for not having “enough footage” of the many things there that moved me - the food (that looked deceivingly simple, and then burst into such unexpected, fresh flavours on the very first bite), the people (who ran the place and the people that worked with them, warm, calm, welcoming), the trees (oh, so many! swaying, singing, bearing witness), the silence (dotted, crossed, and complete with birdsong and the whooshing of the trees and the winds waltzing in the cold), the cold (not biting, but meandering with the sun, like greeting, departing old friends), the flowers (an endless expanse of thriving blooms that made us take pause on our walks up and down), and every intentional little detail that felt like one more tender reassuring pat on our experience of this living, breathing, thriving eco-system. If you watch the video till the very end, you’ll catch quite a bit of Sillu, and that’s the most important part anyway. [from our “not an anniversary” anniversary trip. hopefully next time around, we’ll remember to pack some warm clothes and some socks 🤭]

🩰 ♥️ Shot by the incredible @dignifiedrepose ❤️‍🔥

💜 Shot by the one and only 🔥 @dignifiedrepose . Didn't know we had more levels of closeness to unlock, with this experience.

❤️‍🔥

2025 started looking promising. With a wedding. Exactly how we’d wanted it. A kutti party. The exhilaration from having pulled it off with the weather staying merciful. Small, but important plans of catching up with people, with health, with starting a parentally, societally approved life together hehehe. And then the year threw a curveball so intense, so all-consuming, everything from there has more or less been just… survival. It’s been exhausting. I’ve not always been able to see what’s really there to look forward to. But on most days, there’s this fool. It’s sitting in front of me at a table now. Reading “lessons in chemistry.” It’s enjoying the book like anything. It loves me. It takes care of me. It fights with me. A lot. It feeds me. It never stops making an effort. It holds the ground beneath me firm whenever I fall apart. It sings for me. It dances with me. It learns again and again what I now like, dislike. It takes me on walks. It has the patience of a saint. It’s made some mini routines around my routines. It dreams with me. It’s taught me that a love like this is possible - waiting, not rushing, not fleeing, grounding, being playful, silly, mindful, arms extended with a plate of food (from a reel I’d sent many moons ago) and a glass of hot lemon tea, always surprised for a second why I’m tearing up, always picking it up the next and scooping me in. We have a quiet, loving home to ourselves. Every now and then, it’s filled with a sea of laughter of the people we love, experimental healthy food, stories and ideas and dreams discussed at length, and everyone (but me) waiting impatiently for your coffee. Thank you for choosing me. I truly hope this year is kinder to us. Happy Jan 9th to us! (I’m not ready to call it an “anniversary” just yet) Love you ekkachakkchakkamaaa, Smul.

Happy birthday kutti. To ten years of knowing you, loving you, cherishing every little bit of sunshine that you are and slowing down with every bit of gloom that you go through. I love you my number 1 human girl. Forever. In every way. In all the ways I have so far witnessed and all that I am yet to discover in awe. thousand ummas. 😚🧿🤍

When Siva wanted to go on to the next phase of life. Life gently lifted her and helped her in moving not with her legs but with her hands, and aligned support naturally came and supported her in crossing the phase. Life is always ready to take us wherever we want and play with us. If we are ready to surrender we can joyfully play and move in every phase of life. 🤍

10 years of knowing you, experiencing you, loving you, adoring you, knowing what it is to be loved by you, truly seen, known, memorised, held, cherished. Thank you for doing life with me. Here’s to many, many more healthy and strong girl, strong knees 10s. Love you ekkachakkama always. Happy birthday, my Ammu 💋