No more excuses... I won’t make this a long post about my hiatus, I am back on my own terms, to be who I am. Everything I did became expected of me to continue to be produced, artists are not factories of cheap pleasantries
I come back to a new world here, so let’s make this the last post of an old series, and on to the future.... Stay safe y’all 🌹
Cigarettes burn in parallel to passing time, as one does not hope to re-ignite the flame with another, but chase until embers are all that remain, mixed into ashes and damaged filters. I never used one, a filter, and I definitely didn’t now. Drags of direct thunder clouds in what everyone else saw as a sunny sky, but I have always controlled my own weather, and yet always held more bias towards a storm than a smile. They tell you how bad this is, and yet no one stops, you feel, as I did, you found the right match, until you’ve burned your finger yet again, feeling a sting through the smell of a clouded conscience for letting this go for so long. They also tell you, you should stop, but who else to hold your hand than your trusted companion; small, stealthy, sexy, and shrewd. Keeping your fingers and mind entangled for long enough to engage but never stay. They told me he wasn’t worth it, and here we were, a drag away from digressing again, neither one of us wanted to stay but were afraid to join the ashes down below, mixed in with the other burnouts and shadows between streetlamps. It almost seemed planned, and it was, rehearsed many times as I made residency with the fact that he would just be another one, another sweet boy turned senile, I had a track record and always reached the finish line empty-hearted. But this time, he crossed the line with something I had never given anyone else, and never wanted to, a regretful race I pursued to reach the goal and there was no trophy, not even a ride home. What I was given at the end of this finish line were my clothes directions to the exit, and I found myself here again, at the exit.
This time, there would be no walk of shame, I would be shameless, as I knew now his care was only a light igniting the end of loneliness, which he used to his advantage. I was fueled now by disgust, putting my cigarette down to take a deep breath and expel the only truth I knew, that I was leaving.
#diarydrifter
I am premeditative
Preparing myself for what i might, won’t, and could feel
Not will
Because I live in uncertainties for the reason that nothing is certain
I feel the pain of tomorrow to save me from the one next week
So when that moment creeps in
I have less tears to lose and more time to gain
I break before anything is broken
But it’s made me fragile for now
As mild unpleasantries will bash a bone
If not premeditated and already made a scar
Some work for @worldofdance with @jlntyre 🕴🏻#diarydrifter
I don’t wish you to be different
But wish that you didn’t wish that upon me either
Sent to hell for not believing
When believing in myself is still a deep inferno in itself
I believe in what I see
In the kindness you show me when you let me be free
Free to fly my thoughts to better places
Not to the damnation with demons
Or forced lectures by lecturers who speak on lives they don’t live
Philosophy has more power on me than the prowess of a priest
I ask myself about the greater offense
The punishment of a nonbeliever to that of an offender
And how great of a difference that seems to be
To live a lie?
As that is all i can offer if this is the direction you aim me towards
And go down the same road I’ve travelled
With god at my side
And yet, the same destination
Confusion and conflict is all i will reach
And will god guide me through understanding myself
When it is this belief that confuses me more
It has taught me i am the embodiment of sin
#diarydrifter
I cause tears on the face of innocents
I’m the catastrophic damage you keep contained
The dark in every dawn
The sadness in every sunset
I break the only beauty I’ve ever known to see
I deserve it, she says, it’s in my nature
To break and batter
To cut like a wild creature
Disastrous demon
No love for the wicked
Even if the wicked are in love
Devoted and delirious
Smirks are warm smiles
Happiness now with a home
But we burn what we touch
And i love too much to keep burning my beautiful
#diarydrifter
I don’t think you’re ready
And mean no disrespect
But what will you do
When tears flow more than wine
And you see what’s truly inside
The scared being battered and less than beautiful
When eyes are puffy under masks that hide the night before
The one where no place seemed safer than the corner on the floor where no one could see
And no one could hear
What will you do then?
When you see no strength left behind after a full day
Even if it was spend inside
The bravery was spent
And all that is left behind is annoying
Clinging to your sleeve
A little child just seeking some warmth
And what will you do?
When i need to speak for hours not to say anything or maybe to say too much
When i fear everything around me
The world, my world, you.
Who could cross the street and never stop walking
And i fear I’ll be to blame
For losing all that is beautiful with my beastly ways
I have nothing to do
You’re perfect even in your moments where solitude is needed
When stress strangled the happiness out and all you need to do is breathe
I understand
But will you?
When i can step in front of a mirror
Or bawl at a dress too beautiful to be on my skin
When I sit at the floor of my closet asking for the mercy of my own sanity
When nothing fits inside and out
What will you do?
When you need your space and I need none
When I need you to hold me so strong it’s guilty of a strangle but you need another room
How will you feel?
When I stare every second
And touch every time i can
When clingy and annoyance hold hands as I want to hold yours
What will you do then?
#diarydrifter
I first feel it in my hands
As they tremble tumultuously
Then on my shins
As they shake to a shatter
Diverging into a devilish dance
Free yet feeble to any sudden movement
But I wish to move
To run under street lamps and street shadows
Creeping like an alley cat and leaping like a lion
Howling to be heard
Yet aiming towards places with no attention
The walls blossoming with flowers like me
Rush in colorful conversation
Effervescent in spoken ecstasy
And dangerously drunk 📸: @solacekiss
#diarydrifter
Grace spoke from her skin
Straight from his lips
Not because of what he said
But because of how he made her feel
Exuding confidence through confidentiality
Not exchanging secrets but enveloping feeling
True form through the naked eye while dressed in trust
A safety net with no holes to poke through
Wrapped around with the true warmth of a heartbeat hearth set ablaze in sweet sunshine
Infectious and invigorating
A stain-glass window putting every stream of sunlight into an exposition of iridescence
A refraction of radiance for every ray and a roof from every rainy day
A home
Always keeping the door unlocked
Blankets warm
Coffee made
And embrace enlivened
And ready for this revenant who seeks to be revived
#diarydrifter 📷: @solacekiss
She’ll hold your hand and not look you in the face
Scared of the monster she fears to see
Convinced and convincing of this creature created
Until you start to see this metamorphosis manifest
Beauty now beastly
And every feature frightful
Mirrors are now macabre thoughts
As any intention of reflection turns revolting
But the formidable aspect she aims to focus is not the terrifying target
For a face has two sides in different light
She sees the sun and dresses it as distressing
A stress to break the pile of many
Forgetting the face hidden in the shadows
Unsightly to many
Even to the creature itself
Hoping to peak out and look up at her
But only seen as repugnant
A fraction of a creature in fear
Hoping for help
Reaching into an arms reach
and touching only her antipathy
#diarydrifter 📸: @solacekiss 🖊: @diarydrifter
Crumbs leaving me crumbled
As flashes turn into furious fears
All seeping into my subconscious
And serene sleep is nowhere to be found
Dreams dwelling with more devilish demeanors
Calm clouds rolling into stormy skies
Thunder in tumultuous tremor
Lights no longer enlightening exits
But casting sharp shadows
Cut into captivating creatures
More interested in capture than comfort
As hallways stretch with no back door
And each entrance opens up a new hell
Welcoming the wonders in my head
The ones that are far from wonderful
And keep me from seeing such
The fear that lies under my eyelids
Preferring a restless night to one with rest
Knowing true peace lies in the dark I can see
Not the one that I feel
#diarydrifter
I don’t smell of cigarettes
But I’ll smoke you until your filter turns amber
And I keep pouring you another glass
Hoping the lens you see through turns rose
And you love me again
Dazed in confusion
Delirious in momentary madness
Until you choose me
And I choose the next red to open
Our love only aged a few years
And yet as sweet as a lifetime
And as smooth as the one we imagined
Cheers to another life
Another dream
I wake up from to find an empty bed
And your skin being touched by the sun as you flip the pancakes on the stove
But no rose filter here
Only black and white
To find my companion an ash tray
And my kitchen a mess
@solacekiss x #diarydrifter
To seek the end
I will find where it began
And in its hidden home
The root of my restlessness in its residence
The dwelling of my demons
Even if an infinite investment
I’d rather fight than fear
#diarydrifter * @solacekiss , a mind only fairly represented by the beauty in a brewing storm. Looking forward to more ethereal creations and conversations 🌹
