broke down in tears this morning when this song clicked for me and I felt it in the essence of my being. I just had to write about it. miss solange is a genius.
ok now go listen to the song.
do you feel it too?
As the winter season settles in, the versions of us that we thought we were and thought we needed to be begin to shed.
The shedding can feel messy, chaotic, and confusing yet deep inside we know it’s meant to be; that the chaos doesn’t make us less human or less lovable but rather more human than ever and someone needing and deserving of love more than ever.
The answer is always love. But where we choose to find this love can be the downfall of us. Maybe someone or something can make us feel lovable and worthy for a little bit, but ultimately what the chaos is really asking for is space.
This season brings the question: How capable are you of holding space for the chaos that unravels within yourself without judgement?
That is true love and fulfillment that we need not look anywhere for but within ourselves.
Usually when I choose to step away after feeling difficult emotions and try to regulate myself, my goal would always be to find a solution and get rid of the feelings.
But today for the first time in my life I truly sat with all the dreading feelings and thoughts in my mind without suppressing them and it felt terrible. I somehow pushed myself to keep breathing deeper and the pain and discomfort hadn’t gone away, and I hadn’t found a solution, but I created what felt like a bubble in my heart for the part of me that needs to shed without feeling like I need to make it look less “ugly” or go smoothly.
It’s ok to be a mess and for others to see you as a mess. It’s simply a part of our humanity and what’s so shameful about being human?
I’m relearning yet again another stage of my healing- viewing myself not as someone that can always find the solution to everything and feel better immediately, but rather just another human being that needs space to be human. And no matter where you look around you to find that, only you can do that for yourself.
I know these winter seasons are so incredibly uncomfortable but just sit with all the chaos and surrender- there’s no other way that this shedding should be happening, it’s exactly what it needs to be and how it needs to be. Changing anything about it robs us of the beautiful experience it is to be human :)
the saying time heals couldn’t stand more true when it comes to losing someone you love. dead or alive. they both involve grieving of some sort.
sands of time is about just that. you lose someone you love and as everyday goes by, you look back and no longer recognize the life you had with them or yourself. and you see ways that losing them was for the better but you also can’t help but feel like replaying every little thing you could’ve done differently to keep that reality alive.
for better or worse?
you ask yourself this everyday. despite the good that’s come out of walking away, maybe it could’ve been better? you keep the what if’s alive to keep that version of you that died with them alive. really, you’re trying to let go of yourself you realize. you’re grieving the self that existed with them. how painful that could be, until you realize that you are whole.
the part of you still exists, and is waiting to be rediscovered in a new way.
directed, and written by me :)
thanks for helping me record jis 🙂↕️
was having a conversation with my sister and this question came up for the both of us. what about feeling lost makes you think that you are unworthy of human connection?
personally I’m afraid that my feelings of being lost won’t be held space for. but that makes me wonder…how well do I hold space for it within myself? lately the universe has been mirroring to me that my reality is a d i r e c t reflection of my feelings towards myself- the depth of my relationships, my ability to hold space for my mistakes all reflect back to me through people and experiences.
the more I see, the more I realize i’m holding myself back in a lot of ways due to my deep fear of being seen. being seen in my chaos, my lostness, but I also forget being seen means my beauty too. and a part of my deep down knows I need that.
this last new moon in taurus 🌙 showed me something real within myself: I am ready to let go of my desire to be perceived and ready to step into being seen.
when I tell you this routine makes my hair last for so long….
🎀hot oil🎀
you can use any oils you’d like, but I like to combine
• almond oil
• neem oil
• bhringraj oil
• rosemary henna oil
• rosemary essential oil
heat these up on the stove, and let cool a little (make sure it’s still pretty warm) before applying to scalp and hair in sections
let it sit for 45 mins and meanwhile, prep your deep conditioner and acv rinse to save time
🎀deep conditioner🎀
• 1 ripe banana
• 1 Avacado
• 2 spoons plain greek yogurt
• 1 egg (only if you need protein in your hair that day)
•optional: drops of rosemary or tea tree essential oil for additional benefits and to make it smell good cause this shit kinda stank lmao
blend in blender. in a separate bowl prepare amla and fenugreek paste. make sure the bowl and the spoon you use for this step is not metal- metal can remove the benefits of amla.
🎀amla and fenugreek paste🎀
•1/2 tbsp amla powder
•1/2 tbsp fenugreek powder
• hot water
add in hot water until the consistency is similar to that in the video.
transfer the deep conditioner we created earlier to the bowl with the amla and fenugreek paste and mix.
🎀acv rinse🎀
•2 cups apple cider vinegar
•6 cups water
you can adjust the measurements if it’s too strong but don’t make it any stronger than this.
rinse out oil in the shower with a clarifying shampoo and then rinse with the acv rinse. i like to use a scalp massager at this stage for extra benefits.
immediately out of the shower, apply deep conditioner in sections. make sure to apply to your scalp too!!!! that’s how you get the most benefits out of this.
leave in hair for 45 mins.
rinse deep conditioner out really well, I like to use a wet brush in this step to really make sure it’s out of hair.
🎀styling🎀
products that work for my hair:
•aveda nutriplenish leave-in
•kinky curly custard gel
make sure to have a spray bottle on you during this step to ensure each section is soaking wet when applying product (this is important!)
section hair (can make it bigger if hair is not as dense) and apply leave-in and gel into each section and brush through and use styling brush.
air dry or diffuse!
putting yourself first can be seen as selfish to others and feel selfish to us especially in a society where doing the latter- in today’s capitalistic world where we’re all simply robots- is deemed as valuable; waking up and the first thing on your mind being an assignment you have to do or waking up and the only things on your mind being the things in your day that you’ll have to do to serve others (family members, friends, school teachers, work, etc).
i know this place all too well and it’s scary how normal it is to not think of what we want and need to do to serve ourselves but instead the things we are expected to do. this keeps us in a state of surviving rather than thriving. however, thriving is the only reason why we’re alive here on earth, which most of us have seemingly forgotten.
all these dreams, aspirations, and love we need to give back to ourselves, forgotten simply because we’re not reminded that not only is thinking about ourselves and desires not selfish, but necessary to thrive for ourselves and the people around us.
remind yourself how it feels to be left sweeping up messes and carrying baggage of people who fail to take care and love themselves enough to see that they’re hurting the people around them.
and most of all, give yourself permission to quit sweeping and put down the baggage that was never yours to begin with. can you surrender wholeheartedly to the fact that you can’t save anyone around you except yourself?
in choosing this level of acceptance and surrender, we invite peace and control back into our lives. control over our baggage so there’s no one left sweeping up messes that aren’t there’s. that is perhaps the most selfless yet hardest thing we can do- let go.
you can’t control others’ chaos but you can control yours. and until you learn to put their baggage down, they won’t know it was never yours to hold to begin with. this is where the real healing starts in you and in others ❤️🩹
🎀journal prompt🎀: is there someone in particular that you feel like you need to heal other than yourself? why? how does this get in the way of you meeting your emotional, physical, and personal needs/goals?
