‘Bloodstain / A.G.P.(Achieving Genuine Paradise)’
Performance, 2023. 💋🪞🕷️🩸
Transfeminism is beautiful, but it is strangely misunderstood - from common myths about transfemme self love, to the controversial academic writings of Blanchard, transfeminism is seen as something strange and unusual, deviant and frightening.
I have struggled with my self image for a long time, how I perceive myself, how I have come to understand my shifting physical and emotional state, and rectify the dissonance between my life before estrogen, and my future with it. Like most queer artists, My work is always a process of ‘problem solving’ - specifically within the lens of my own lived and living conscious experience, and acts as tool of ‘self-actualisation’ and ‘self-ascension’ (how one heals themselves as an act of becoming, through self acceptance).
When I look at myself, it is hard to love what I see - I understand the difficulties present in discussing and sharing what seems to me (due to my poor self-image) such vapid and narcissistic problems within the context of greater geo-politics.
How can I bear to think about simple and unimportant struggles as the difficulties at looking at myself? to be comfortable with and accept the shape of my nose, the broadness of my shoulders, my square jaw, the depth of my voice, my proportions that are warped by the misunderstanding omnipresent within my perception of myself - but I continue on; what else could I possibly do?
I’ve thought about how best to showcase sensitivity, sensuality, and radical self-acceptance of the self despite the dysmorphia, the hatred in the media, and the questioning of my right to exist - what can I say, or do, to force an acceptance, first within myself, and then from outside forces? Can I protest in a way that isn’t violent, but physically represents the feelings I hold within myself, and the healing process thereof?
Maybe the only way to brace oneself for the weather of a life that feels like an uphill struggle is to reach out and touch yourself, tenderly, with the utmost care, and whisper to yourself; ‘despite it all, I still, and always will, love you.’
💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋
Trans day of visibility has come around again and I am forced to grapple with the trap of visibility I find myself in now as a trans woman, specifically one who is open with my identity. Maybe it would have been wiser to go stealth? But I probably wouldn’t have received the support and love from as many people as possible to achieve my gender affirming surgery this year - so it’s complex and strange for me.
A few years ago I made mirrors that looked like ‘traps’, although at the time they were a reflection of how I felt as a newly free trans woman after being stuck in the trap of cisheteronormative expectation - how foolish I was to not realise I was entering another trap.
I’m scared, more so than I was before, visibility without protection is a vicious trap (talking about the panopticon, the word of the year I feel) as someone once said as a riff on old Mikey Foucault. Although I am proud of myself and how far I have to travel to get to where I am now, I am aware of how I have so much more distance to go.
Maybe I will always feel like this? Maybe it’s not being trans that’s the trap but passing? Or even just Womanhood? Just being a person in society right now?
Linkin park once said ‘I’ve tried so hard and got so far’, but I’m hoping the next line isn’t prescient in any way (as much as I love that song). Maybe Chester’s continued battle against the illness that eventually consumed him is enough inspiration for me to continue going myself?
Happy trans day of visibility, although I have a complicated relationship with my own visibility it is important to mark the occasion. I love all my trans siblings! Please continue to be yourself! My late grandfather used to say ‘look after yourself and don’t let the b@stards grind you down!’ - I’m thinking of him today, and how important his lessons are for myself, and all of us.
Happy TDOV 🌷♥️💌
*NEW LINE UP*
Paradise: Act II 🌷
22:00 - 03:00
@exitglasgow
The ice queen is inviting you into the warm rains - melting away the frost and welcoming new blossoms out of the cold, green ground. The winter is over, tough times are flowing into the crevices of the earth. We are purging the darkness; trepidatiously walking into the bright spring sun 🌞♥️
After the success of Paradise: Act I in December 2025, Paradise: Act II is an event reflecting the coming spring in Glasgow, acting as another fundraiser in support of a local Welsh Doll’s gender affirming care🌹
TICKET LINK IN BIO OR ON RA! 💌
Dress to impress; chrome, water, flowers 🩶🪞🌊🌷🌱🐇🦋
See you there <3
