On my Mother’s Day hike, I thought about my mom, of course, the GOAT. But I also found my memory drifting back to so many women who have mothered me over these 46 years. Mama Johnson who made giant aluminum foil vats of mac and cheese for my first book party at the bar and made her tea with evaporated milk and talked to me about all of her heartbreaks and hopes while we sat at her vinyl covered table in Bed Stuy. Pammy Hinton who showed me that single motherhood was heaven - face masks and Mexican wedding cookies and no man to muddle the energy. Mary Cary who never met a baby’s head she wouldn’t smell or a shirt she couldn’t clean. My mom’s amazing community of friends, who witnessed, celebrated, and steadied me. My cohousing community, my women friends, the women whose writing has taught me how to get free and live. Thank you all — you planted seeds that live in the love I’m able to give my girls every single day. 💗
Consider this a hard lunch of our new family love affair with Della Ray Martin Cary, adopted a week ago from @milo.foundation . Four year-old mutt recent mother, and gentle, protective soul. She’s got big dog head and tail and strong, dense mid-size dog bod. She got the assignment immediately: sleeping with Stella every night. My friend Allison says every sad girl needs a dog. How right she is.
Taking my dad out in public once his dementia really took hold was really hard. I often felt like I was pleading with people with my eyes - “Please be patient. Please give him grace.” Sometimes we would meet absolute angels along the way, who either intuitively got it or would, once I shared his diagnosis, grab his hang and give him warmth while telling me about their own experiences. But sometimes people were in a rush, offended by his admittedly confusing actions, or downright critical of us as caregivers (much like the looks you get when your kid throws a tantrum in a supermarket).
I am so grateful to @sojogram for letting me explore all this - the grace, the shame, the public call to action.
Read here: /articles/opinion/my-father-has-dementia-church-became-our-refuge or click on my stories and find the hyperlink there. ❤️🩹
Had such an invigorating conversation with this book club from small town Illinois last night. They read Learning in Public and wrestled with their own educational choices, work, and the importance of historical literacy for our next generation. The headlines are filled with dehumanization and racism and a total disregard for our children’s shared future. These women are where it’s at. What an honor and an inspiration.
I made a book report (h/t 4eva @christiemgeorge ) of @steinkedarcey ’s profound new book - “a theology of the body.” My dear friend and oral historian @nickipombier asked the brilliant questions of Darcey. In the newsletter this week. Link in bio. Treat yourself to sinking into it and considering what door your pain might be. 🫀🧠🪩
God is a Mother.
Local author Savala Nolan joins Courtney Martin for an intimate conversation about her new book Good Woman — one of Ms. Magazine's most anticipated feminist books of 2026. The sacred, the profane, and everything in between.
📅 April 10 | 7:30 PM | UUCB
#GoodWoman #FeministLiterature #SavalaNolan
Raising kids AND caring for aging parents? You're not alone. I wrote about a game-changing solution for the sandwich generation — adult day programs. Affordable, community-driven, and wildly underused. Read Courtney Martin's article on Vox via the link in bio.
Since starting this caregiving series at @yourlocaleconomy last fall, folks have asked to discuss caregiving at the other end of life, for elders. I could think of no one better to bring to the series than Courtney Martin, @courtwrites , whose recent writing on caring for her dad with dementia while caring for her kids has deeply moved me and so many others. This conversation will center Courtney’s writing on elder care in her newsletter and elsewhere, and also some fantastic podcast episodes on the topic. (Courtney’s book Learning in Public won’t be the topic of this conversation, but it’s an excellent read on her decision to send her children to an Oakland public school—and I’ll bet you can ask her about it after our conversation!)
For links to the work we’ll discuss, go to my profile ( @patricia.zaballos ) and click the Storytime for Caregivers tab. There’s also a link there to register for the event.
Tuesday, March 17 at Local Economy in Oakland. 10-11:00am. FREE!
As always, babies are absolutely welcome to the event—but not required!
Why do I do it? I do it because it expands the circle of care in my life. I spend a lot of time making mac and cheese for my two kids and making doctor’s appointments for my mom and making cremation plans for my dad these days. It’s nice to put my body to work beyond the horizon line of my own family.
I do it because it reminds me that I am no different than anyone else and also that I have been given way more than is fair. You might call it perspective. The key here is that I don’t let it turn me towards pity, but humility and a little rage. It always makes me wonder why I am on one side of the buffet.
I do it because I like the rhythm of the sandwich making and the offering of the sandwiches and the small talk with the other volunteers and those who come to the shelter for a free meal. That part reminds me of other jobs I’ve had that I really enjoyed; I was a diner waitress for a summer in college, for example, and the busy, tactile nature of it really suited me. I liked flirting and serving and then leaving the work behind.
I do it because for those four hours or so I never look at my phone or think about that petty argument with my husband or wonder if I’m a bad mom. Everyone is fine. I’m fine. The people I serve, in their own ways, are often fine, too. They deserve a break, some lo mein, some need meds they clearly aren’t getting, or dental work, or grace, but they are resourceful and funny and sometimes very sweet.
In my world, as I’m guessing might be the case in yours, there is a lot of intellectualization and strategy and calendaring and therapy and sometimes I like to put it all down and do something very fundamental for people I am not related to. It gets me no closer to sainthood, and in fact might get me further away from it because the kind of people that “serve” at shelters are often very confused about their own motives.
As I age, I’m trying to get clearer and clearer about mine. I serve because it returns me to my own humanity in an edifying way, feels fun and basic and tender. It helps me connect with people I wouldn’t otherwise know in my own community
Newsletter today is a commission from artist friend and force @radicistudios . 💗
This is a book report (thank you for inspo @christiemgeorge !) that I made of Hospicing and Outgrowing Modernity by Vanessa Machado de Oliveira.
Can you feel this moment growing new muscles and mindsets in you? I certainly can.
For more weird shit like this, subscribe to my newsletter. Link in bio.
I'm so excited to be in conversation at the end of the month with some real luminaries, including filmmaker @_motionxpictures (of the incredible film @familiartouch ) and chaplain and writer Lynn Casteel Harper (of the incredible book, On Vanishing). Join us?
/developing-our-hearts
@eastsideinstitute@reimaginingdementia
