Cortney

60 years of brotherhood in one room, celebrating 100 years of Alpha Upsilon. LONG LIVE AY & 06 TO THE GOOD BRUHS.

Letter to my future's past. I enter this new year having recently turned 38. Reflecting on the life I've lived and the life I still hope to live. Whoever you may be reading this, there are portions of our story that are the same and paths along our journey that we all have had to walk. This new year, I hope for you the same as I hope for my present and future self. I hope you find bravery when you need it. I hope you find compassion when it is difficult. I hope you find joy when it seems absent. I hope you find gratitude every day. Happy New Year

A thought on trying

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Day 207 - Stay up

This is 37

(note:I wrote this to/for myself 3 months ago but you can read it too) I left all my jobs in January.I wasn’t unhappy but I quit.Everything?Yes.Am I on some “eat, pray, love sh!t”? Short answer, “Nah”.What does that book from someone like me even sound like? This isn’t some desire to “find myself”,though that’s ok.I think once you’ve sat in quiet & become acquainted with “yourself” at a certain level it’s hard to ever truly be lost but that’s not what this is about. Maybe there’s a sort of irony in it. As a people our value has been so closely linked to our labor for generations,is there a small victory in attempting to decouple YOUR labor & YOUR value as an inseparable or synonymous identity? Freedom is a word I use to describe this space,but truthfully I think about “time” the most.The idea that we have a limited time to experience unlimited possibilities.What does that mean? I turned 36 last December.36 at the end of one of the most turbulent years the world has collectively experienced in some time.Following my bday I spent time out west in the desert w/friends & my connubial (vocab word of the day) hoodie thief nnekaj. We explored, we climbed,& witnessed shooting stars occur so quickly we debated the event itself.It was my first & I laughed at my awe in seeing a shooting star at my big ass age. Sun rays spread across boulders turning from sunrise to sunset w/little justice done by our cameras.On day one we received news of a family death.We mourned,we cried a bit,we laughed a bit,remembering the lives lost in 2020. We watched a rich burnt orange light turn purple & we asked questions about life the way you do when you’re thinking about death.What does it mean to live a full life? Is it easy to live a “good life”? Ppl around the world have influenced my thoughts here.A tattoo artist in Amsterdam, the little boy in Cambodia,a regal aunty in Nevis,an elderly man in Indiana & hundreds more. Moments where ppl chose to be deeply transparent about their life.Day to day, our choices can seem mundane,but in reality, the sum total of every choice tells a far greater story in the end.  So...I guess...I chose to start using my time differently in January.

Maybe it's cliche to offer a reminder that we are all traveling down our own road. Even still, here's a reminder that you have the agency to decide when you drive, where you go, when and where you rest, what passengers you pick up, and at what speed you wish to travel. The outside noise trying to dictate those things for you, often DOES NOT MATTER in the long run. Whatever your final destination turns out to be, is the by product of where YOU decided to venture. Just a friendly reminder #waw #wmd

The experience, the impact, the decisions, the love, the hate, the growth, the reflection, the hurt, the healing, the world, the work is offline.

When I was in highschool I worked at a movie theater.(best worst job ever). Concessions, ticket cashier, that sort of thing. Every few weeks a guy would roll up in his corvette, come into the theater, chop it up with the owner, make friendly banter with some of us workers, and then empty out the gumball machines and be on his way. Randomly, one day I asked how many gumball machines he owned and how much money in coins was usually in them. (I was a nosey kid) I'll never forget his response, he took a sip of his oversized coke, kinda smirked and said he owned a few hundred around Central and Northern Jersey. He then figured that just from his gumball machines alone, he brought in a little over 1 million a year. As a kid that seemed crazy. Gumball machines? F#chin gumballs? He didn't look or act like the idea of success that I held at the time. I didn't understand that success doesnt always share the same space as the spotlight and for many, the desire to be "SEEN" as "successful" can be the biggest blocker to actually obtaining either one. As a grown up I understand that there's a billion ways to be "successful", most of which are not accompanied by a fancy title, a pat on the back, a promotion, or the cheer of a crowd. I guess I'm writing all this to ask you this: If you had to choose between being 'seen as successful' and actually BEING whatever you define as successful, what would you choose? And if the answer is the latter, than why do you care about the former at all? (Yes, I know they're not mutually exclusive in the real word, its a thought excercise) P.S - the moral of story is that people actually eat those nasty gumballs. #TooDeepForTheIntro

The last few years this line of thought has been at the forefront of my mind for a few reasons. Nneka can vouch, these sort of conversations are never too distant, especially as I round the corner on 35. Time is the only thing we all have an equal amount of (give or take) and regardless of what we do, its going to pass. We don't have time for fear, embarrassment, shame, ego, pride, or dozens of other adjectives. On the rare occassion that any of these emotions/traits are actually helpful, that occassion is fleeting. Yes we will feel them, we're human, its sort of a requirement of our condition but when your time is up... in that quiet moment between you and yourself, will you be able to say you did the things you were most afraid of? Faced your embarrassments? Dealt with your shame and didn't let what others thought of you guide YOUR purpose? I dont care what you do during this quarantine, rest or work, feast or famine. I'm curious about what you choose to do when it is over and how you spend that time. (You = yes YOU reading this) Living a "safe" life does not guarantee peace and little honor can be found dodging growth or struggle for a false sense of safety, only quiet desperation resides there. Just My Thoughts #yesThisWasReallyMyMorningThought #IwroteThisInMyBathroom #ItTookMe5minutesForReal #IhaveNothingButTimeToThink #ItsAquarantine #NoIamNotGoingThroughAnything #YesItCouldBeTooDeepFor9am