Woman whose loveless marriage proves Stockholm Syndrome isn’t real, Melania Trump has been heard comforting an embarrassed Donald Trump after the president was unable to erect his tower in the Gold Coast.
Melania was reassured Donald that not getting your tower up is something that happens to loads of guys, especially at his age.
“This is totally natural,” she said, “maybe you just need an energy drink or something?”
Melania was later heard screaming and dry heaving after Donald suggested he try a blue pill his doctor gave him.
LIVE UPDATE:
The Labor government has announced a major increase in backbenchers saying ‘hear, hear’ during budget speeches.
Treasurer Chalmers has said this is “a record breaking investment in ‘hear hear’ production to deliver a sustainable responsible budget.”
“Previous governments have barely managed to average one ‘hear, hear’ interruption per minute, but the Labor government has gotten that number to over two per minute. This is what Labor does best.”
The announcement was followed with an enthusiastic ‘hear, hear’ from Labor members.
The question now becomes since this was not brought to the election, could this new cut out lead to a loss at the next election? We will have to wait and see.
The Chaser report podcast is holding another 'Live and Arty' event in the Soda Factory on Sunday 24th May at 6pm. Come along! Tickets at chaser.com.au/live
Local fuckwit James Richman the 4th has spoken to several news outlets to warn them that if the government does anything regarding property profitability or rental rights, he will be ‘forced’ to raise his rent, as opposed to his current plan to do it for no real reason.
The regular man who happens to own 8 properties, only 7 of which were purchased using money from his parents, said times are extremely tough for people like him right now and any change to his money printing operation could be catastrophic.
“Any tweak to the system would be unfair,” he said, “if anything changes, I will be forced to raise it by the exact amount I already will be.”
“These renters are just being greedy. I mean you should hear how entitled they are when they yap on about the mould in their child’s bedroom.”
Cocaine dealers around the nation’s capital have been non-stop working today to meet the demand that comes with tomorrow’s budget lock-up.
While the Canberra cocaine industry has been one of the few industry’s to hold strong in this economy, the day before budget lock-up always puts extreme pressure on these local entrepreneurs.
“Each year it’s chaotic but and somehow always feels worse than the previous years,” said dealer Jeremy rushing to reply to ten different clients with massive orders, “but that’s how crunch time always is.”
“Between the politicians, staffers, journalists and now content creators; it’s the busiest night of the year.”
Researchers have confirmed that a previously harmless, widely encountered and deeply unavoidable aspect of everyday life is in fact “extremely carcinogenic,” prompting renewed calls for the public to change absolutely everything about how they live.
“We were surprised by how dangerous daily things have turned out to be,” said the lead researcher, who stressed that even things long considered safe, normal and in some cases unavoidable are, according to their research, likely to cause cancer. “Once we adjusted for lifestyle, environment, genetics, income, and stress levels, the correlation between modern living and cancer was undeniable.”
According to the study, regular exposure to the world increases cancer risk significantly, particularly when combined with other known risk factors such as eating food, breathing air, and ageing.
Health authorities were quick to reassure the public that the discovery should not cause alarm, while simultaneously advising people to drastically reduce doing anything wherever feasible.
“In an ideal world, you would simply avoid things altogether,” said a spokesperson for the National Health Advisory Council. “We recognise this may be difficult, as doing things tends to be integral to work, family life, and all other forms of existence. But people should do what they can.”
Further research is planned, pending the discovery that research itself causes cancer.
Adelaide Airport has responded to criticism after viral footage of disability advocate Shane Hryhorec being turned away from the wheelchair pickup area despite being in a wheelchair while accompanied by a service dog, which apparently wasn’t enough proof that he needed to use the wheelchair zone.
The airport has apologised for any ‘frustration’ caused by their rules, saying they plan to make things more obvious for those disabled people who need these systems by adding a physical hoop to jump through for every metaphorical one they have.
“The people involved didn’t jump through the hoops they didn’t know existed,” said a representative for the airport, “but now we have made it clear what hoops they need to jump through to qualify as disabled in our eyes.”
“The new literal hoops will be on fire but that’s because the flames make it easier to spot the hoops disabled people need to jump through. That’s called allyship.”
“Service dogs will also be required to jump through but that’s just because we think it would be cool to see.”
“We hope these changes will clear up any confusion and protect from any pr disasters in the future.”
The airport also stated they plan to cut down on those who don’t meet their requirements to use wheelchair accessible spaces by replacing all ramps with escalators that only go the wrong way.
One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has reaffirmed her goal of representing the views of ‘everyday Aussies’ like herself as a career politician.
This comes after the self-described ‘everyday battler’ was gifted a fucking million dollar plane by Australia’s richest person Gina Rinehart after being a frequent flyer on the billionaire’s private jet.
“Thanks Gina for helping me pull myself up by my bootstraps instead of always needing to borrow your jet,” said Pauline, “something many people can relate to.”
“Normal everyday Aussies like me are struggling with booking a billionaire’s private jet but the government is doing nothing about it, that’s why I love that we as a community can come together to do stuff like this. Mates helping out mates.”
“She and her rich mates who donated millions of dollars to me today all understand that I am here to represent working class people like the ones we all hire to clean our planes.”
“I am doing things differently. There just aren’t any other people in Parliament who are completely beholden to the whims of fossil fuel executives.”
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has urged disgruntled voters to please be more ‘realistic’ with their demands by avoiding any requests that could upset Labor’s donors.
This comes after a campaign online calling for a tax on gas exports to help reduce tax avoidance from the major fossil fuel companies and help the government pay for things during a worldwide economic collapse, which the PM has ruled out due to fear of doing anything.
“It’s always a sad day when I have to remind people of gas lobby talking points,” said the PM, “but I will continue to do so until people start to get the message.”
“There is a lot more to the story than the liars what you to believe, what the major gas companies lack in paying the proportional level of tax that everyone else does, they make up for in fancy dinners for me and my colleagues.”
“Democracy is about compromise, some of you want us to take away money from billionaire fossil fuel executives to help out everyday Aussies, but as the adults in the room, we are willing to meet you in the middle by cutting funds to disabled people so we can give it to American weapons companies.”
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has been spotted trying to steal a child’s wheelchair, yelling ‘we need this metal for the war’ outside an NDIS provider.
This comes as the government has announced that over 160,000 disabled people will be kicked of the disability scheme in order to ‘save’ money while massively boosting the ‘defence’ budget.
“Sometimes people need to make the tough choices,” said the man too scared to properly tax gas companies out of fear they might say some mean things in the media, “and these disabled kids needs to realise that.”
“These kids are just being so greedy thinking that we should be supporting them knowing full well we are busy supporting our allies blowing up kids overseas.”
“This was always the plan, wheelchairs were never intended to be a permanent need.”
A multinational conglomerate has unveiled a bold new initiative designed to improve employee wellbeing by urging staff to simply “be less poor.”
“We’ve done extensive research,” said the company’s chief finance officer, presenting the program at an all-hands meeting. “And we found a strong correlation between financial stability and happiness. So, we’re empowering our employees with a simple, actionable solution: have more money.”
The initiative, titled “Thrive: A Wealth Mindset,” consists of a series of workshops, PowerPoint decks, and motivational posters featuring stock images of Rolexes. Employees will be encouraged to take personal responsibility for their financial wellbeing through practical steps such as “spending less,” “working harder,” and “manifesting abundance.”
Despite initial speculation, the company has confirmed the program does not involve salary increases, bonuses, or any tangible financial support. Instead, employees will receive access to a free online budgeting course and a weekly email titled “Success Starts With You,” featuring inspirational quotes from billionaires.
“We’re committed to holistic wellbeing. And nothing is more holistic than personal accountability," said the CFO before approving the next quarter’s hiring and wage freeze.
Tech giant and child labour enthusiasts Apple has announced its new CEO, meanwhile their current CEO has suspiciously began to slow down and randomly shut down when doing tasks it used to be fine at handling.
Apple fans around the globe could barely contain their excitement following the release of a new rich, old, nerdy, white man CEO almost completely indistinguishable from its last rich, old, nerdy, white man CEO.
The new CEO 7 (John Ternus) will reportedly come in regular and ‘pro’ versions.
The base model will continue the company’s focus on destroying the ethical fabric of modern society, whereas the ‘pro’ model will change its charger again for no good fucking reason.
UPDATE – Apple executives have returned Tim Cook to the Apple Store for a $20 trade in.
