With levels of hubris unseen since Odysseus cursed Poseidon, like a legless veteran bragging about a dodge charger, sometimes the bloodied admire the crimson hue of their hanes white tee. Observe the modern coven, casting hexes through technology from a well-crumbed oaken brunch table. GOTCHA! A comparatively playful birdcall to me, your friendly social media psychopomp.
When a screech from a woman’s vocal cords is let out in the serenity of a restaurant, you bet your ass I’m going visualize the hot vapors emitted from her unlocked maw (figure 4.). The duelist slammed her head against the table at mach 4 like some competitive Japanese apology. A prayer of forgiveness said towards a brick wall. GOTCHA! Another bell tolls for me. At the bare minimum I take joy in the joy of others. Idk what the opposite of schadenfreude is but I got it. For what am I if not a hooker-clown, meatspinning in a bright blue merkin and pointed shoes?
My single father had to watch his single son take sneaky pictures of a table of women in a crowded restaurant with horror. He understood, social mishaps must run in the family…except for Dylan, bless Barbara for her patience. GOTCHA! The doomsday clock ticks closer to midnight for us all. And thank you for the DM. At the end of the day we’ll always have #camera_duels . I don’t get got, but can appreciate the attempt. Maybe the treasure was the duel we had along the way. It does seem that this account has inspired more of you to raise your camera in an attempt a gunslinging. Not my initial intention, but it does make sense considering people enjoy the content on here. This account is whatever you choose to make it or understand from it, but if you engage in it, you may have to live out Warhol’s premonition. #GOTCHA
#MeAndTheFBIAgentInYourPhoneAreAlwaysWatching
Ahhh Mardi Gras, my favorite time in my favorite city. New Orleans is the beating heart of the United States and I won’t hear otherwise. The people, the music, the food, SOUTHERN COMFORT. But what’s this? An old fashioned duel marring my teeny lunch outing, raising me high on the balls of my feet, whisking me away to a sour place? The martini is a perfect cocktail, a strong structured drink in a delicate elegant glass. Usually filled to the brim and ice cold, if you cannot carry it back to your seat without spilling, the martini lets you know you’ve had too much. I approach the duel in much a similar way- strong shots with delicate aim, and if the duel is not carried out with ca deft hand, then it’s time to put the camera down.
The duelist in question pulled a technique I’ve not seen before, and so I was pleasantly impressed. Hiding her camera behind her raised menu, she would quickly lower it to snipe me. Pretending to be deeply invested in the appetizers before going for the kill. But I was prepared. There’s an energy shift that occurs when a duel is about to happen, and so I look for secret glances and shifting body positions. The phone is removed from pocket and subtly swiped to the camera. That’s when I know it’s on.
A mix of baked drum fish and bourbon st hurricanes is not the best fuel for the duel. You need to be frosty to engage in the standoff. In rare fashion however, I was sent a message afterwards apologizing for the encounter. That must be the southern hospitality I’ve seen so much of here. No apology needed, my spirits are high during Mardi Gras, so it was no rain on my parade.
#camerduels #neworleans #mardigras #shot4shot
Underneath the chittering din of horny dime square men with sculpted mustaches and enough jingling jewelry to blind even a Johnny Depp impersonator, I found myself in the scope. Like Moses parting the Red Sea, once the ocean of ethically non-monogamous gravitated towards whatever phone was playing ‘Geese’ the loudest, my path was clear- corner pocket. Time for the break. The girl with the 8ball hair and solid demeanor, midriff striping her all black silhouette like chalk. It was cold outside, she was tough. Her disarming and gentle glasses were slightly illuminated by the sinister alien glow of her phone camera as she prepared to fossilize me in her “drunken memories that ruined my inner child 2026” folder. She was guns akimbo, precariously t-rexing a second yellow trap phone with just a pinky and ring finger. The more is not always merrier, and this ain’t a polycule. So good try chum but there are pool sharks here, and don’t try anything tricky, the only cheatah here is on the table.
Also get your drink off the table dude.
#cameraduels #InMyPocket
Shout out to the staff at the Eye Associates in Austin for pulling their signature team attack: Divine Oculus Rift. Feeling a bit like a participant of the back room casting couch, I’m blessed on this Thursday morning that my eyes still work well enough to know when I’m getting tag teamed. Scrubs in both subterfuge and outerwear, this may have been the most effective way to determine how blind I am. My eyes weren’t the only thing dilating, as the banshees opened their mouths to unleash a deafening war cry to disorient our local production team.
Don’t forget I CARRY THAT THANG ON ME. Three birds with one stone, bird shot, spray and pray. Call it visual learning. I hear that nurses have high rates of infidelity. Don’t know how the statisticians got that one. Long hours and late nights with doctors make for surgical male enhancement. While I don’t think the cliche applies to ocular mds, I couldn’t help but think I was the one getting fucked. Take me to dinner first, but lemme read the menu the font is too small. #cameraduels #eyespy #TheOculusRift #NoThisIsNotAHIPAAViolation #ImClearlyStandingOutsideTheOffice
The L train subway goth is an elusive and mysterious cryptid that manifests in cars filled with too much spiritual angst. Normally clad in all black, the subway goth protects itself against mind attacks by shielding its forehead with a chitinous set of bangs that are immovable and permanent, fanning out just over the eyebrows to disguise their emotional intent like a sad chameleon. The goth in this photo however, opted for a shorter bang look, showing the confidence and agency in the way she carries herself through bushwick, but also allowing me to detect her incoming duel.
The hot pink phone was a cute and ironic choice methinks. Something that said: the real world is dark and gloomy but the digital world is whatever I want it to be. I’m sure her Pinterest goes fucken crazy. Unfortunately the color shined like a harbor for me. A light in the darkness. #lanternfish
Perhaps rarest of all was on the second slide I detect a small smile? A smiling goth is either a recession indicator or nature is healing. Like the grinch growing a heart, or a business student doing mushrooms and having empathy for the first time in his life, a giggling goth is capable of turning even the most sour -> sweet. Smile on L train subway goth, the world is brighter in your presence.
#cameraduels #gigglinggoths
You can tell by the wall art that this place serves a diabolical tomato soup, a life changing grilled cheese, and a downright crippling sense of entitlement. The premier Caucasian safe space. Long gone are the days where a young man could tuck into a cozy cafe covered in comic sans and order a mid cappuccino from a barista with ear gauges. Those days are gone because of ladies like this. The flash, a previously stated signal of amateurism, cuts through the liminal atmosphere like a hot butter knife. A blinding ray that reveals the depthless existential gazes of all the patrons of that global village coffee house.
I am perceived. Here? Would you fart loudly in a church? Text at a funeral? Have you no shame? I’m supposed to blend in here, instead I am roasted and ground into a savory blend with smokey after notes. Your cold and selfish action has chilled my dish into a bisque.
Nothing like a glass of white wine and an Ativan to make an older lady proceed with reckless abandon, the marriages in the suburbs that have been demolished by this combination leave therapists baffled but gleefully employed.
Fix your one long bang, fix your flash, fix yourself another glass of blanc, you’ve been dueled.
#cameraduels #shartonnay #globalvillagecoffeehouse
In honor of our rapidly accelerating surveillance state, I figured- what better time to bring back my own little digital diary documenting my descent into paranoid schizophrenia? TEEHEE! You’re all gunna be just like me soon! Let’s at least hope we’re all hot enough for the fbi agents in our phones to get a solid goon in.
Ahhh summer time. The sky takes that slightly whiter shade of blue, the cicadas start their annual scream, and the aging fathers fawn corruptly before taking a picture of my wet and glistening belly. I saw all of this man. That should be noted. Yes of course I saw the camera, but what is only partly visible here is the adidas Speedo holding like atlas just underneath HIS wet and glistening belly. The silhouette of a 50+ shivering meatus jailed behind a small layer of hypebeast panties is not the view I wanted during the aperol spritz, but it’s Europe baby.
Often fathers or mothers are put in charge of the camera when the child, who’s likely the real perpetrator, wants to remain mysterious or is too shy to pull the trigger. To them I have this to say: I’ve seen the outline of your father’s balls, time to grow your own. You’d sooner send your wet naked father clambering in front of the lens of the camera than have the duel yourself. For shame. That being said, you have to admire a father’s ability to sacrifice. I too would jump on a grenade in nothing but underwear. And if any of my bits landed on you post explosion, then scoop what’s left of me into a xs speedo and hurl me into the ocean as is custom. Thinking of you always~ kiss kiss 💋
#cameraduels #faperolspritz #ThePudendaAgenda
#afatherslove
The games the other way.
Shout out to the @whitecapsfc for sporting us at the game. Two teams clashing in immortal competition, a duel in its own right. Only to conclude in my white ass popping a cap in the cap-etition to cap the night off white. In another attempt to prove my claims of paranoia are no cap™️ , I’ve provided you with a fool-proof video and cap-tion. When it comes to dueling, don’t forget: I’m the cap-tain. #cameraduels #noharmnofoul #akickintheballsatthefootballmatch
It may surprise you to know that my primary demographic is mothers. Yes, something about raising children on wholesome programming made me somewhat of a mommy magnet. I imagine The Wiggles cleaned house. And so here we are with another duel, and just in time for cougar hunting season. “But Cole! Perhaps they were just taking a photo of their girls lunch!” Perhaps they were, and yet her camera drops when I leave her field of vision, only to return when I appear again, context people CONTEXT. See comments below for less of it. “Now I am become death, the destroyer of homes.” -Oppenheimer (milf enthusiast) on the nuclear family.
Who’s that boy looming like a paper towel ad in the right of frame? That’s @caseycott . Here to mop up the aftermath.
#cameraduels
#familyprogramming
#thewigglesabsolutelydecimatinghotsinglemomsinyourarea
Hark, do you see? Underneath the bougainvillea? The amateur magician cosplayer seated behind his solo margarita pitcher with the extra long straw. Watch as he makes his liver disappear. Don’t drink and duel, it reduces stealth. This should be an obvious tip, but I’ll admit it was a particularly beautiful day for an afternoon drinkypoo.
I sometimes wave at the person dueling me before I take out my weapon, to give them a little “hey I’m letting you know I see you.” If they still persist in the duel, then it’s on. However, when I waved, the man in blue waved back at me. Just a friendly interaction. Misjudged but friendly. Blue man and I had a connection, it was real. I felt it. And then when I pulled out my camera, he was disgusted (observe his expression). I think he must have assumed I was taking a photo of him, which would be incredibly strange. It’s so strange actually, I’ve dedicated this entire Instagram account to precisely how he felt in that moment. For a moment he was cole. I’m sorry blue man, you were a victim of friendly fire.
#cameraduels #abrakadasshat #rolereversal
Target acquired. Engage.
The nuclear family sat in the front two rows of my plane back to Vancouver. Brother and sister clad in fresh, matching, baby blue Mickey Mouse sweaters, my first warning sign. The human equivalent of poison dart frogs, fresh mouse merch always gets my survival mode cranked. My personal pain body. Once I smelled the four recent tickets to Disney land and I knew to unholster my happiest pistol on earth.
A pro tip to the stealthy duelists: don’t google image my name before deciding to pursue discretion.
Our duelist in question pursued a “wide angle, discrete video” approach. This technique allows the duelist to pull still images from a phone that otherwise appears to be at rest. But I know better.
#theywereactuallyverynice #askedforaphotoafterward
#cameraduels
Sometimes a duel writes itself. True assassins, the advanced duelist knows to conceal their presence and body language as much as possible. The fidgeting and double take is the context of a duel often unseen to this audience, and is usually the first indication that it’s time to unholster my trusty pistol from my lint filled pocket and assume the position. A Californian would describe the body language as “a strange vibe.” But I know what it really is: fear and shame. For anyone with common sense, it is awkward and obvious when you take a picture of a complete stranger. It is easier in many cases, to avoid eye contact altogether, so as not to rouse suspicion. I’m actually quite a fan of this approach. Low impact and, frankly, just fucken funny. Like where’s Waldo sans whimsy.
Whatever, wherever, whoever you are. Just know that I saw you. I saw you and your sweaty shameful knuckles. And maybe one day we can shake hands and atone for our decisions. Or maybe that’s just an Easter wish. Until then, happy celebrations to all, and happy dueling.
#cameraduels #missedconnections #knucklesontheLtrain
