On the brink of shelving my dreams, I found out I get to work on an essay that I can share with you all soon ✨
Guided by my editor’s vision (+ a new colleague’s), I am researching masculinity 😵💫 and conspiracy-boarding in my head. Who knows what’ll happen after submitting, but for now－all that I have, really－I am living in my purpose.
To really get this writing thing down, I’m in three online classes this month about the personal essay. It’s fascinating how much the demographics and sensibilities differ! All sorts of people want to tell their own stories in any number of ways. I kinda feel like the odd one out in each class, but that might just be a perennial Brian thing.
If you’ll indulge this Angeleno gay, I keep almost meeting jonathan.anderson, my favorite designer. I walked into the Chateau Marmont for the first time minutes before he left (and a few days before Beyoncé hosted her annual Oscars party 🙊)! Anderson also appeared at USC and my alma mater didn’t tell me 😾 Not like I would’ve gone up to him and gushed, so let me say it online.
Jonathan, thanks for creating a language that expands and refines how I appear in the world. I feel at home wherever I go in your clothes.
What else can I share before I return to the last day of researching? I am spending too much money to (paradoxically) feel like I have control over my life. A month ago, my mental health was at a 3.5 and we’ve gotten our way back to a 7. (Opportunities are lifelines. Thank you, editor.) And finally, I want to figure out how to restructure my life so that publishing’s not my central devotion. What day job would I enjoy? Alternatively, can I pitch enough magazines this year to win the publication lottery enough times that I have a better luck with my book?
In short, I’m lost and sometimes lonely but I’m trying my best. I was feeling so defeated that I started repeating this mantra:
I have enough. I do enough. I am enough.
And as posting this has reminded me, I’m surrounded by beautiful people who love me.
Let’s read #infinitejest together!
I’ll share reading schedules, brief check-ins on the novel, and monthly dispatches from LA, including
👀 how I’m navigating the book
🥳 what I ate, watched, and wore
📚 what I learned researching performance
We start soon ☁️
#literarylife #nonfictionwriter #personalessay #weekendread
So I’m writing a book of essays and over the last three weeks, I did three round of edits on five chapters.
⭐️ I used to care so much about sounding stylish and smart. Now I work to make every sentence clear. If a line doesn’t make sense right away, I change it. I want the reading part to be effortless so that people sit with what I am saying.
💡 The book is about culture and politics today, but I want it to be timeless, so during these edits, I flagged every year that came up and either cut it or replaced it. I learned this from The Office, I think. Mindy Kaling said the writers avoided things that would date the show during rewatches.
🚨 I use a lot of fucking colons. Like, I know that people are self-conscious about em dashes, but my bad habit is these listy dots. Changing this punctuation meant adding a lot more “incomplete sentences” into my writing. Which actually I’m happy about. I’ve wanted a looser relationship to rules.
Other than that, I’ve been playing the new Pokémon (fun but short) and watching movies.
🐝 Bugonia is wild, suspenseful, and smart. It’s on Peacock and it’s definitely worth watching.
Hamnet is a big heart. It is tender, gorgeous, and stressed out! I didn’t know what I was getting into and it’s lived inside me since.
🔫 No Other Choice was my first movie of the year and I’m so glad. The storytelling! The jokes. The levels.
Lastly, I’m not alone in thinking－
❄️ What’s going on with Meredith?! How is Brittani so annoying?? AND HOW IS THE SEASON ALMOST OVER?
🎀 How did Jonathan Anderson charm me into Dior?
🌧️ LA is pretty after the rain.
#writingbooks #amrevising #nonfictionwriter #jonathananderson #dior
Lessons I’m learning about the literary hustle
- I can’t rely on other people to tell me my writing is good. I need to trust my own judgment and taste. As Cynthia Erivo says in Actor on Actor, “I know what I have.” (Hugh Jackman says it first, actually, but I’d rather credit Erivo 😂)
- Publishing is a business. Agents and editors make decisions based on what sells. It’s not their job to tell me my writing is good. A “no” doesn’t mean I’m a bad writer.
- I’m reading submissions for Electric Literature again. I don’t know about anybody else, but the first thing I do is open each document, check the length, and put the page numbers in the file title. I read from shortest to longest. I’m often tired and annoyed towards the end. So, Brian, when a magazine or conference has a word limit, go under. A hard lesson when you write 14,000-word drafts 🙂↕️
- When pitching magazines, adjust the title of the piece to the style of the house. Trying on different names helps find the heart of the work.
- Choose a writing sample that aligns with the artist statement. This makes the application cohesive. I learned this from A. L. Major and Lance Cleland at Tin House. They had a great video about residency applications that’s relevant to other opportunities. (Can’t find, will keep looking.)
- A book is a product. Everyone with a hand in its publication needs to know how to sell it. The title thus far for my essay collection really leans literary. “Personality Scores: A Performance for My Life.” Even when I’m explaining it, I feel it’s cumbersome, kind of tricky. I need a new title, something direct. Something that makes it easy for everyone involved to say, The book is ____ and you *have* to read it because ____.
- I can frame something complex in a way that’s simple. Past me would’ve found this disingenuous. Now I’m, like, girl, do you want to sell this book and get a job or nah? 🤭 More seriously, maybe it’s not a bad thing if the jacket copy says one thing and the pages reveal so much more.
#literarycommunity #writingconference #writingbooks #rejections #amrevising #nonfictionwriter
Rejection makes me feel small. It reinforces the story that I’m worthless. That my work will never be enough, no matter how much I do.
Rejection makes me forget all the milestones before－the wins, the praise, every step. Rejection traps me in a moment, makes it feel like the end.
Rejection convinces me that I’m exceptional in my failure. Everyone can do this but you. You must be unusually bad at this.
Rejection brings out my mean. Rejection is plastic wrap covering my face. I think I’m still seeing clearly when I’ve actually forgotten to breathe.
Rejection cuts me off from community. It feels like no one really cares or understands.
I’m writing this down so that when I get to where I’m trying to go, I remember I made it through this.
I’m sharing this and not just success because I want my friends experiencing rejection to know that they’re not alone.
How am I coping?
Whenever I catch myself certain it’s over, I tell myself I do not know.
I’m doing things outside of my work to teach myself that I’m more than this.
I’m cooking. I’m organizing the fuck out of my kitchen, closets, and office. I’m reading, knowing that every book is a miracle. My writing community is full of heroes.
I am slowly getting back to work, finding that it has value. I’m gonna put it out there again.
I’m surrounded by people who love what I do. I am not wrong about me.
#literarycommunity #virgovibes #selfcompassionjourney #writingbooks #amrevising #nonfictionwriter #rejections
Dressed up as some Broadway hits, took some selfies in Oz
AKA a #jonathananderson exhibit
AKA I haven’t done this much photoshopping since middle school
#ʜᴀʟʟᴏᴡᴇᴇɴ2025 #wickedmovie #loewe
Recent pleasures
❄️ the clarity of the light and the sky
🌸 the game-day corn dogs at Ototo
❄️ the Mango Thunderbolt off the new menu (yes, a new menu!!)
🌸 the intimacies and voices of “The Wilderness” by Angela Flournoy
❄️ the recent Balenciaga show－the lightness and bounce of the feathers
New growth
🌸 talking with my brother on the phone for an hour
❄️ cutting essays from 14,000 to 8,000 words
🌸 telling people when they fucked up
One hope
❄️ After revising five sample chapters, the “comps” section, and the overview, I’ve completed a new draft of my book proposal. This thing is so fun and I believe in it so much and I’m excited to write the second half of the book. To grow as a writer, thinker, and decent human being.
P.S. Some people might be bicoastal. Me, I live by the ocean, mountains, and cherry blossoms. It wouldn’t be fall-winter without Salt Lake City and Potomac. I’m so glad these ladies are back－and the memes they inspire.
#writingbooks #amrevising #nonfictionwriter
I went to Taiwan for my grandma’s funeral services, and as trying as the circumstances were, I had so many heartful experiences with my family
For the first time in my life, Ma asking for a kiss on the cheek, me saying no, then her asking again, me leaning in
A whole room of family gathering around the casket, a man leading us in a call-and-response, my dad repeating everything loudly and firmly until the final thank-you, breaking and sobbing
During the funeral, in the middle of my aunt’s speech, my brother crying in between his sons, both clasping his hands
After a slideshow of family photos, a cousin sitting and sobbing, his mom having passed this year too, me wanting to go and embrace him, his sister and wife noticing and standing by his side
After a mid-day break at home, my sister driving me and the kids back, us getting lost, pulling to the side, my sister finding the way
At the end of the day, my niece “acting out” because someone woke her up for dinner, her yelling at her mom about wanting a hug, repeating that all she wanted all day was a hug from her mom
At the doctor’s for my mom, the doctor calling my nephew fat, telling him to lose weight out of nowhere, then once we got in the car, telling the boy I’m sorry the doctor said that, that was hurtful
Going down to the kitchen to get more food, my dad walking in at the same time, choosing to stay with him, pouring him soup, listening to his reflections on the week (he gave himself an 80%)
It’s my birthday 🥳
I had more shots yesterday than a Thursday night called for, so this might not make the most sense, but that’s okay! A year out from grad school, I’ve been learning that I don’t need to sound smart and polished all the time. I can be dumb and messy and people will still wanna get to know me.
Self-esteem is such a funny little thing. Like, why do I have to keep working at it?
My perception of myself is finally catching up to how people see me. Last night I went to a－get ready－cocktail party on a rooftop bar at a hotel in Santa Monica 😮💨 So many strangers were looking at me as I walked through the bar! I was hit on by multiple white women. Instead of ignoring it or acting confused, I’m like this makes sense, I’m attractive. People want to get to know me.
I have learned to embrace myself from all the people in my corner. People who celebrate all of me and never make me feel like too much. People who listen to the (still too long) elevator pitch for my book and say they can’t wait to read it. People who see a bigger version of me than what I’m comfortable accepting.
This next year, I’m gonna write the second half of this essay collection. I want to see my family more. I want to travel more and have more sex. I want to take things less personally and tell people how I feel.
Hope to see you around.
#teamvirgo #virgovibes #writingbooks #amrevising #nonfictionwriter
