hi buddy.
I’ve been sitting on this for a long time. I kept waiting to feel ready. waiting for life to slow down. waiting to feel like I knew what I was doing.
but it turns out you can’t wait your way into a life you’ve always dreamed of.
so I made a plan.
and I’m doing it now.
if you’re here, I’m really glad you are.
maybe we’re figuring it out at the same time.
what do you think, should it be “the plan” or “plan b”?
#theplan #bnotbea #becomingabetterme #autisticcreator #followingmydreams
did you know they manually change out the day of the week every night at midnight in the elevators on a cruise?? me neither, but HOW COOL IS THAT?!
goodnight :)
#bnotbea #firsttimecruiser #royalcaribbeancruise #sillygoose #itsfridaybaby
The last time Thanksgiving felt like something. November 25th, 2021.
This is the day my PopPop died.
I can still remember almost every moment of the day. I was in the shower, my mom and I were running late (as usual), and Nick called me to say that we needed to get over to Grandma and PopPop’s house ASAP.
Since I was in college, no one wanted to tell me beforehand that PopPop wasn’t doing well. He had been on hospice for a year and a half, but I guess things had gotten worse. I had no idea until I got off the bus and I was told to soak in as much as I could. I remember the night before I went thrifting with my cousins for a nice shirt for the holiday. I can’t wear that shirt now, last time I tried I had a panic attack.
The day that it all happened, I could not handle it. I had just lost my childhood dog less than 6 months before and it felt like my world was falling apart. I found solace in my camera. I was studying photography, and I’m lucky that I found safety behind the viewfinder.
I’ve only shared these images in a classroom before, so this feels a bit extra vulnerable. I’ve got a lot of grief that I’ve avoided for a while now, and this year I think the dam has finally broken.
I’m going to do my best to have the best Thanksgiving I can with my family this year. I’ll make my Grandma and PopPop proud.
#bnotbea #griefshare #becomingme
xvii
this year it felt especially important to celebrate my day. this year has been extra tough. 2025 has shown me more loss and change than I could’ve prepared myself for. there have been more days that I’ve spent questioning whether 12 years was worth feeling the hurt instead of succumbing to my old vices. though it’s been a tough battle, I still haven’t given in to the old me who still lives in my mind and continues to try to lure me back to bad habits.
some days are very hard. some days are very easy. some days I forget all the pain. some days I cannot help but feel it.
if you’re still struggling, I hope you know there’s going to be good days ahead. maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this month, and maybe not even this year, but someday there will be a good day that you’ll be happy you didn’t miss.
thank you for being here bud. thank you for giving me a reason to be here too. on the darkest days, you give me a smiles that light up the dark. I wish I could tell 15 year old me that one day we wouldn’t be alone on this journey, but I’m so glad 27 year old me is lucky enough to still be here. grateful might be too small a word for this feeling.
happy 12 years :)
#bnotbea #shrecovery #becomingme #gettingbackontrack
it’s been quite a long time since I put my feelings out there through my photography, but after September 30th being such a tough day, I wanted to try it again.
if you’re one of my many new pals, you probably just think of me as silly B who doesn’t like life and wants to do better. or maybe you know me as B who’s just grieving the loss of an orange cream loving grandma.
I am also B with a BFA in photography, who doesn’t know how to talk about feelings very well. writing them down on my photos has always felt simpler.
this time it’s not so simple. this time it’s heavy. it’s hard. it’s words that I would give anything to be able to say over the phone instead of in writing.
so here’s a little part of me I haven’t shared in a while. I think maybe I’ll try to get back to it more often. hopefully it helps.
if you’re grieving, just know you’re not alone.
#bnotbea #griefsucks #griefjourney #grandmasarethebest
I kind of dread my birthday every year if I’m being honest.
it usually feels like I’m the only one who thinks it’s important, and something usually goes wrong, and it’s just not a good day. I’ve had good years, but I’d say the good doesn’t outweigh the bad (at least to me).
this year was different. this year my birthday just showed me the signs of what’s to come, and it looks so much better than the past.
I’m excited for 27. I’m glad you’ll be with me :)
#bnotbea #birthdayvlog #autisticcreator #becomingme #followingmydreams #turning27
i wasn’t expecting this today and I really don’t even know how to say thank you well enough
i hope you know how much it means to me that you’re here.
hi buddy, we’re going to do it. we got this.
#bnotbea #theplan #becomingme #autisticcreator #ihit10k #followingmydreams
my little girl is 11!!
so, coda can’t read. she won’t see this, and even if she does she won’t know what it says! she has not a clue what instagram is! these are some words for my fellow humans about my girl.
coda is named after the symbol in sheet music. I was in choir in high school, so I had to go with the music thing. ironically, she hates music. not a fan of loud noises or high pitched sounds. she doesn’t like to get spooked by a rogue bass, or by a leaf blowing in the wind. she’s very sensitive. very scared. somehow convinced that she’s protecting us. especially her grandma, my mom, she’s very big on her coda grandma time. coda is a very nosy little girl, she’s got to know what’s going on. we like to look out the window together. for her birthday I told her we can go sit in the car one day and people watch. I’d offer a walk, but she made it clear when she was a puppy that she’s not into that. she’s a couch potato. the sweetest potato. my baby.
I just hope she knows I love her so very much. I’m sure you can tell.
#mydogisfamily #dogbirthdayparty #seniordogsrule #lifestylecontentcreator
it’s been a minute since I took some time and wrote on my photos. I mean write something more, like the way I used to
I’ve been in my head a lot lately, hoping to find my way out soon
these photos are from 241231 (aka NYE). hopefully I’ll put in some action and post more photos from this night. I’ve had a few pals tell me to post my work more. so here’s that, starting with me
(shot by @vscheidling on my camera + edited by me 🤠)
new font, new try?
I’ve been thinking a lot about social media and what I want to do, and I probably don’t have it all figured out yet. I think I just know what direction I’d like to go in and hopefully that’s a good idea.
don’t get me wrong, vlogs are not off the table. they’re just not going to be exactly the same anymore.
the way I have been doing things just wasn’t working for me. I would get too focused on making things work in just the right way that I got too overwhelmed to actually do them.
that even happened with this video! I was like wait I could do this cool thing (and then it took me waaaay longer than I wanted to actually even start editing because I was too busy thinking about something I couldn’t even try to start yet).
any of that make sense?
I don’t know. it makes sense to me.
c u soon 🫡
#bnotbea #contentcreative #letsbefriends
a year ago today I got on an NJ transit bus dressed in my most beach-y themed clothes (and thermals underneath) to got to NYC to celebrate @carolineematheson ‘s birthday!!
this year, there’s no celebration on the day, (at least that I’m apart of) so I have to make a post to show off my love for sweet sweet Caroline!!
if you know Caroline, you’re very lucky. there’s never a dull moment with her around. whether she’s being her incredibly talented (and oh so creative) self and being so silly, or she’s being chill and comforting.. life feels good with Caroline around.
I’m very lucky to call her my pal.
happy birthday Caroline!! I love you!!
